Question for parents of children who don't see NRP...

(15 Posts)
starlight1234 Wed 11-Jun-14 22:26:51

Can I ask how old your child is and how they have coped with their absence..

My DS seems to cope for a while then it all seems to come round again with him wondering why?

WanderingAway Wed 11-Jun-14 23:51:01

How old is your ds?

My dd is 10 & she came to realise what a useless person her 'dad' is. She does have days where she asks about him & says that she would like to see her half siblings but it is out of curiosity rather than anything else.

starlight1234 Thu 12-Jun-14 12:42:50

My DS is 7 not seen his Dad for over 4 years..No matter how many times he is told it is not his fault he is still always looking for a reason why.I can't give him any sort of explanation that isn't slagging his Dad off..I have told him his Dad wasn't ready to be a daddy

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 12-Jun-14 13:42:09

DD is 10 was a very happy girl whilst she isn't see Ex. Sadly contact has had to restart gradually this makes her unhappy. But there was verbal and emotional abuse.

nomoretether Thu 12-Jun-14 13:58:14

I don't think it's realistic to expect that a child will just accept an explanation, no matter how logical, no matter how many times you've explained. There might always be questions and a sense of abandonment, sadly. Lots of reassurance and sticking to the same familiar explanation would probably be best and being as open and accepting of his curiosity as you can be.

starlight1234 Thu 12-Jun-14 18:19:56

I don't expect him to just accept it. I have told him he can ask me whatever he wants and I will always be answer honestly but may not tell him some things if I think he is too young to understand. Sometimes he will start a conversation then ask if we can stop talking about it ,simply because it is too painful

I just wondered how other people had handled it whether my DS response is in line with other children in the same situation or anything someone else way telling their child that may help me , help him further.

Lioninthesun Thu 12-Jun-14 20:06:00

Sorry to hear he is still asking Starlight, I can't help sadly - DD is still asking every man we meet if he is her daddy. I just will keep on saying that he is very busy working in London. She now comes back with "but he will come really really soon to play!" and I have to say "No dear, he is too busy" and try to distract.
Thought I'd comment anyway if only to hand hold.

WanderingAway Thu 12-Jun-14 21:25:42

I just told my dd the truth. I didnt slag her dad off. I just told her that he doesnt bother because he is lazy and not interested. I told her that he was a fool because he was missing out on such a wonderful girl and if he doesnt want to be in her life then it is his loss. Over the years she has came to realise for herself due to the lack of effort from him.

Your ds might always question you because rejection is a bitch and no one wants to feel like someone doesnt love them especially someone who is your parent and is supposed to love you unconditionally. The only thing you can do is show your ds that you love him no matter what.

FreeSpirit89 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:42:07

My son is four, and his dad walked out when he was 1 1/2 years. He has just started asking, ATM I say daddy didn't want to stay with us, and he knows where we are if he wants to see him.

starlight1234 Mon 16-Jun-14 17:12:54

Freespirit I found the worse time was when DS started school..Don't know if it was the biff, chip and Kipper books full of the nice perfect families or Dad's on the playground or simply his age.

Someone got him a box of chocs for him to give to me..At bedtime he said night Mum,Dad... Hopefully this is another step forward but who knows.

I agree that void is always there for him no matter how much I fill it.

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 17:21:50

DS is 5 and totally fine about it for now at least. He has a stepdad though, so maybe that makes it easier. DS has decided that "My daddy from when I was a baby" wasn't good at cleaning or other daddy things so I went to the daddy shop and got DH confused Little bit concerned that he seems to think daddies are something you can swap and change and have multiples of but we've tried to explain it to him and that's what he's sticking to. He sees DH as "My dad/my daddy" which he came up with himself when he realised that other kids had dads. He still calls him his name, though, although he'll use "Daddy" if he wants something grin

BertieBotts Mon 16-Jun-14 17:23:38

The saddest part for me was when DS started saying that DH was "like a mummy" because, although still seeing his real dad at that point, he didn't have a concept of a dad who acted like a dad sad

periperichicken Mon 16-Jun-14 17:35:55

DS is 15 now and has never had any contact with his dad, I left him during pregnancy. The questions came at 5-7 years old with general curiosity, I explained the situation, but for the past 8 years he has accepted the situation and has never shown signs of upset about it. I think what has helped was having a completely clean break, a good supportive extended family (on my side) and lots of involvement from uncles/grandad.

Meglet Mon 16-Jun-14 17:42:54

7yo DS hasn't seen his dad in 5yrs and rarely asks about him. I think he remembers how nasty XP was.

5yo DD has started asking since she started school. She's confused because there are other children who don't live with their daddies but they still see them. Although we do know children who also don't see their dad.

They do know his name and what his job was, I am happy to answer general questions and they both have a photo of him.

I don't slag him off, but I diplomatically say that daddy was grumpy and not very good at being in a family. I don't want them to idolise him and it come as a shock when they're older.

brittanyfairies Tue 17-Jun-14 12:36:19

My DCs hardly ever see their dad, once this year so far. DS2 seems to miss him the most and makes excuses for him. DS1 is very angry with him and I hear him saying to DS2 "nobody's stopping him from visiting us, he chooses not to come" which I think is sad, but it's also the truth. However, both of them brought Father's Day gifts home from school last week and put them in the bin. They didn't see any point as they never see dad. His loss, they are amazing boys!

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