How much do you know about where your DCs are when they are with Ex?

(26 Posts)
TickledOnion Thu 05-Jun-14 19:36:32

ExH and I separated about 4 months ago. He recently mentioned that he planned to introduce the DDs to the OW (who lives about 300 miles away). I was obviously upset by this.

Both DDs have now met OW. I assumed she had visited them, but it turns out they stayed in a hotel in OW's hometown with ExH, and visited OW with her 2 DD's and her mum. I found this all out from DD1 (4yo).

Would you expect to be told if ExH was taking your DCs away overnight?

Chasingsquirrels Thu 05-Jun-14 20:04:52

Answering the question asked - no I wouldn't expect ExH to tell me if they were just going away overnight during the time they were with him (I would if they were going out of the country - but then he would need passports anyway).

TickledOnion Thu 05-Jun-14 20:26:39

Thanks Chasingsquirrels. Just wondering why you put answering the question asked?

bberry Thu 05-Jun-14 20:28:45

Yes... I think I would want to know they were a 5 hour drive away .....!

Meeeep Thu 05-Jun-14 21:12:42

Ok I would say yes I would want to know and would in your position expect to be told. However, would you tell him if you took them away?

Meeeep Thu 05-Jun-14 21:13:42

I'm only asking because if you wouldn't does he know that? Would that be why he didn't tell you?

TickledOnion Thu 05-Jun-14 21:52:34

I took DD1 away for a couple of days and told him where and when. I needed him to look after DD2 for an extra day, but I would have told him anyway.

Chasingsquirrels Thu 05-Jun-14 21:55:25

Well, the question asked was would I expect to be told if ExH was taking them away, which on it's own - no I wouldn't.
But given the info in your post, I don't think it is just the taking them away, it is the meeting with his new partner, which is understandably upsetting from your point of view, but doesn't actually change the situation.

TickledOnion Thu 05-Jun-14 22:10:27

Yes, you are right. I was upset. My DDs just think it was a fun long distance play date. DD1 has mentioned a couple of times how pretty OW is. I don't know if that has come from ExH or she just thinks it.

I texted ExH to ask if he was planning to move there. He said not in the immediate future. So I replied that I'd like some notice if he does so I can help the girls understand why their daddy doesn't want to see them anymore.

Chasingsquirrels Thu 05-Jun-14 22:11:50

It's really hard, and shit to deal with. Have you got friends/family around to help support you?

TickledOnion Thu 05-Jun-14 22:32:52

It is shit. I do have some lovely friends who are helping me through it and my family are trying to help in their own way.

STIDW Thu 05-Jun-14 22:53:02

It's reasonable for parents to know where their children are staying at night but not if they are going to interfere.

Clearly your ex-husband isn't being very sensitive and you are hurt and very upset. HOwever comments such as you want notice of him moving so you can help the girls understand why their daddy doesn't want to see them any more aren't helpful. That attitude will just lead to conflict which is damaging to children and there aren't many things more detrimental to their wellbeing. Good contact for children relies on separated parents working together or at least not against each other. To do that you need to establish good communication, a working relationship and autonomy.

Sadly for whatever reason your relationship is over and you are both entitled to have relationships and introduce children to whom you want. IF your ex-husband moves away it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to see the children. Separated families can live a distance apart and still maintain meaningful relationships. For example in one case the parents lived four hundred miles away so the children stayed with one parent during school terms and two weeks during the summer holiday and "lived" with the other parent for the remaining school holidays.

TickledOnion Thu 05-Jun-14 23:09:24

I know it wasn't my finest moment sending that text, but I have been so reasonable and calm and fair up till now. Things had been working quite well with contact and both of us making an effort to make the girls our priority. Not sure what will happen now.

bberry Fri 06-Jun-14 08:06:37

Oh dear...that was a rather mean text....

You sound more upset about the new woman rather than the kids going away tbh

You need to be honest with yourself about your feelings and process them privately....as in not to your ex

Hard times.....

LadyNexus Fri 06-Jun-14 08:09:53

No we often take sd on trips/ away for a day or two, her mum doesn't usually know anything about it. Unless she has rung up and asked.

But we don't expect her to inform us every time she takes sd somewhere either.

LadyNexus Fri 06-Jun-14 08:13:56

Op that text was so below the belt...but you know that.

It's hard but you really have to separate your feelings from your ex as a crappy partner from him being a father to your dd's.

It hurts he doesn't want you anymore, I get it. But I'd nip using your children to try and hurt him in the bud. Trust me, you don't want to become one of those bio mums.

Even if he is the biggest twat on the planet smile

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 06-Jun-14 21:02:22

What is a bio mum??

Op, I would want my ex to tell me if he was taking DS away for a night somewhere, and if I was taking him away I would tell him too. (Unless I'm just staying at my mums round the corner). I would also want to know if ex was introducing him to OW - unfortunately he did do this without me knowing though, and I'm sure at some point he will take him away without me knowing. I don't know if it's some sort of power trip or just general lack of respect empathy that makes these people do this.

Hope you're ok. It's so hard - try not to let him know how much it bothers you.

spookySwitched Sat 07-Jun-14 09:47:18

The way I see it is if my exH has the kids then he has the right to take them wherever he wants with whom he wants.
When the kids are with me, I have the same rights, I can go where I please and with however I want.

You've got to trust that you exH has your child's interests at heart. Even if he does stuff you wouldn't be particularly pleased about.

Needadvice5 Sat 07-Jun-14 09:53:17

Sorry you're in this situation but I think you seem more angry that your DC have mwt the OW.

Not been in this situation but I think I'd like to be informed if my DC we're going away for the night, I like to know where they are but then my ex doesn't have the best track record and he didn't have any contact for 2 years so I'm probably not the best person to comment!

3xcookedchips Sat 07-Jun-14 10:24:33

Because this is a forum and no one can really know the back story etc, maybe the reason why some exs choose not to inform the other of the intention to introduce the OW, they fear the repercussion of interference etc. This ex has possibly picked up you wouldn't like it and maybe thought you would have withheld the children or been awkward. Just an opposing view to the control angle as someone has suggested.

If things were tickety-boo between the two of you then you would expect the courtesy of being informed of OW intro but it's all too raw an recent(the split).

You've already let on the significance your kids have placed on it being just another play-date.

TickledOnion Sat 07-Jun-14 11:28:30

I've had a bit if time to think about this. I am annoyed at myself for the text. I think the problem is that I never got angry at ex for the affair or for leaving me. I was just sad. I am now getting angry and have nowhere to channel it. Hence the text.
Can I undo this?

MuttonCadet Sat 07-Jun-14 11:44:06

You've every right to be angry at your ex for leaving you. But please don't take this out on your children.

We wouldn't generally mention if we were taking the kids away for a weekend, and don't expect to be told if the circumstances are reversed.

TortillasAndChocolate Sat 07-Jun-14 19:55:03

Don't feel bad - it's one of those things, and you haven't done anything terrible by sending that text. Ok it's not the best thing to say but you're human and it happens.

People get too judgmental on here. It's a horrible position you're in - I always feel like if ex hadn't had an affair and left, I wouldn't have to spend any time away from DS if I didn't want to and I would be in control of so much more - I didn't get any say in it all. Sounds like you're in a similar position and it's sad and frustrating. If the worst thing you do is send that text then you're coping bloody well actually. Don't beat yourself up.

TortillasAndChocolate Sat 07-Jun-14 19:56:27

Oh and also it doesn't matter if other people wouldn't expect to be told - you want to be told and that's what counts and it should be respected by your ex - it's hardly an unreasonable request.

TickledOnion Sun 08-Jun-14 07:58:17

Thanks Tortillas, that's exactly how I feel.

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