My narcissisic ex . . what can I do? Really need some help :(

(12 Posts)
Popplecake Sat 08-Mar-14 08:54:32

My ex and I split up shortly after I had my baby. This was because there was an argument in the middle of the night and he hit me (hard) and grabbed me round the neck and shook me several times. He scared me and once is enough. The reason for this is that he has a heavy cannabis addiction and has a history of mood swings (including one incident where he smashed his bedroom door off because he didn't have any money for cannabis). He was not apologetic over what happened at all and justified it by saying he was "ill". Since we split up he was agressively trying to force me back into a relationship with him by bullying.

Not being able to cope with him anymore, I blocked him from contacting me and trying to sort out contact via solicitors (I'm asking for drug testing before allowing unsupervised because of what happened). I am away on mat leave at present. So, as you can imagine, my ex has been going around telling lies/sob story about how he is the doting dad kept away from his baby etc etc. No one knows about the violence or the drug taking. I am getting hate mail from people at work telling me I am "getting a reputation for using him and for being a nasty person" and trying again to force me into "Getting back with him". My ex is an excellent manipulator and puts on the "I am such a lovely person" mask to perfection. Everyone thinks he is wonderful.

I've been to the police/solicitor (they said they can do nothing as the hate mail doesn't threaten me), and to my boss (who said nothing much can be done). So I am sitting at home afraid to go out in case I see him, with all these lies being told about me when I have done nothing wrong (apart from being an idiot getting involved with him). If you were in my shoes, what would you do? I absolutely hate the thought of people questionning my integrity and believing ill of me because of a nasty, drug-taking liar sad How can I get the truth out? I am on mat leave for another few months.

Russianfudge Sat 08-Mar-14 09:07:28

Use the time to look for another job for a start. I don't care how manipulating and great your guy is at work, what an immature bunch of losers to send hate mail and try to persuade you to get back with him. That's not how you behave in a professional environment.

I wouldn't try to counteract their beliefs, they're not worth it. Alternatively, you could go back briefly and get signed off with the stress of it all wink

I'm sorry you're going through this. You have done the right thing by you and your baby. Stay strong.

Inshock73 Sat 08-Mar-14 09:24:53

Firstly, WELL DONE for leaving him and not allowing yourself to be bullied in to going back. I dated someone with a cannabis addiction and they don't change!

Receiving emails of this kind from work colleagues, it doesn't matter how friendly you are with them ultimately they are work colleagues, is totally unacceptable and unprofessional. Do you have a HR dept at work? I would forward all the emails to your HR dept and put in a complaint as your work colleagues are crossing a line by sending you emails about your personal life and an employment tribunal could interpret this as a form of bullying. Also, let HR know you have addressed this with your boss and he/she hasn't dealt with it.

I would most certainly look for another job so you don't have to return to that environment. If you're unable to find a job by the time you have to go back to work, then I would make it clear the day I returned that we split up because he has a cannabis addiction and hit me after I'd had the baby and I'm not prepared to raise a child in an abusive relationship, and say no more, and continue to look for another job. Trust me however 'lovely' he is you will at the very least sow a seed of doubt in peoples minds.

Good luck!

sandiy Sat 08-Mar-14 09:44:26

I second telling the truth,He hit me after having the baby should shut them up.The thing about domestic abuse is that as victims it is considered shameful-she was asking for it etc, until people can be open about it then the stigma continues.It was not your fault and this situation is not your fault.
An awful lot of domestic violence perpetrators are charming and manipulative that's why they get away with it.
Do you have a union because I'm afraid your boss is wrong,you are facing harassment in the workplace.If your boss won t deal with it ask them to put it in writing why not as you plan to take it too their boss.

Inshock73 Sat 08-Mar-14 09:58:47

One thing I forgot to say, when you forward the emails to HR and make them aware you're boss's response was he couldn't do anything, ask HR what action they plan to take and when and ask them to put it in writing to you.

cecilykeirawhit Sat 08-Mar-14 17:13:03

Popplecake
People who would choose to believe him instead of you and yours decisions there is nothing absolutely you can do about them
you can ignore them,you can try to tell them true
my friend was in very similar situation
When she finally have got curage talk to the guy mum she replied to my friend that it was her duty to pay for her ex habbits
His mum!
Anyway you need to stay strong and try to ignore all his lies as much as you can
I can imagine it's not easy sooner or later people will find the true and I know it can be very hurtful but now when you know who he really is you are in much stronger position

Popplecake Sat 08-Mar-14 18:42:58

My boss is supportive it was the sentiment and actual lying that nothing could be done about. Also the particular people involved were not signing their name on the letters. But interesting y the first envelope was handwritten, the suspect was asked about it and the next letter was mysteriously typed. Too much of a coincidence I feel.

Its a horrible situation to be in when you are totally innocent and everybody who knows the real situation tells me I am doing the right thing. But yes, the people at work should be ashamed of themselves. Not only for participating with him but also for not questioning his BS. I notice I get these letters when he has been asked for drugs testing. I think he is trying to bully me into giving in because I imagine his work colleagues are encouraging him to take me to court - which he can't because he'd lose - obviously he cant explain that to them so he's backed into a corner

2Kids2Cats1Dog Sun 09-Mar-14 18:01:02

Tell the truth to anyone who directly messages or speaks to you directly about him, making it short and sweet, eg " we split because he was a violent drug addict, end of story".

The truth always outs.

cestlavielife Mon 10-Mar-14 10:32:27

did you report the assault hitting to the police ?
I hope so.

or are you only now reporting the bullying?

forward any emails to HR.
even if nothing had happened you entittled to break upwith him!

dont go back with him fo a quiet life - too risky...

NoodleOodle Tue 11-Mar-14 19:22:20

I agree with telling the truth. Why are you covering for him at all? He's continuing to make you a victim after you've left him. You owe him nothing, and certainly not silence, and silence at the expense of your own happiness. If he doesn't want people to know he's a violent drug user then it's his responsibility not to do these things, not your to hide the truth from the world.

corlan Wed 12-Mar-14 16:12:52

As others have said, tell people what he did but be prepared that some people will refuse to believe it and others will simply not care.

You don't have to keep quiet - it's his shame, not yours.

And congratulations for getting out.

Popplecake Thu 13-Mar-14 17:16:36

I reported the hit but took no action and just reported the bullying to my boss.

Gosh no, I am going to tell people what really happened, I would never hide it to cover him sinc he has gone around trashing me to conceal his drug abuse and foul behaviour towards me.

My upset is that I know people will go "Oh, he's so lovely! He would Never do anything like that!". This is despite him having cheated on his ex when they had a then 4yo child. . . somehow they all suspend judgement? Anothr friend of mine said that she always remembered someone saying of him "Oh he doesn't have a bad bone in his body!".

Instead, he has portrayed me as the bad guy who has "used him", because he was so agressive and unreeasonable when I was dragging myself along for days with him after we split up. It was awful.

I'm going to print out a stack of his texts and things and just give it to people to read. . . . But really . . What is wrong with people?! why are they so blinded by false charm?

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