Fuming!

(40 Posts)
Prforone Sat 01-Mar-14 02:13:07

In shock over what my DD told me earlier this evening and if I don't "air" it, I may implode!

ExH reduced the amount of contact he has with DD (9) recently to just EOW (previously every Sunday, every alternate Saturday and one night in the week). Turns out that on her weekends with him, he dumps DD on his mum on the Friday nights so he can go out. Drops her off early Friday evening, then collects her Saturday afternoon.

He has 12 other fucking nights off inbetween when he can go out. Is Friday night out with his GF or mates really more important than spending quality time with DD?

Wanker! angry

Foxy800 Sat 01-Mar-14 08:22:34

Have no advice for you but that must be so horrible for your daughter, I know how you feel to a degree though. DD's dad wont commit to seeing her regularly blaming it on work but its really cause he doesnt want it messing with his life!!He sometimes has her in school holidays so she isnt in holiday clubs all the time but he only has her during my work hours so he has the evenings free!!! We have been separated 2 and a half years and he hasnt had her overnight once in all that time!!!

Sending you huge hugs.x

MisForMumNotMaid Sat 01-Mar-14 08:26:32

He's a prat. Missing time with your DD.

In the childs best interests, does she like spending time with her Granny? This is the absolute critical thing in making an issue out if this.

I prefer it when my DC spend contact time with their other granny, but I like her. Its positive time that shows them they're loved. There dad is a little more hit and miss.

DomesticDisgrace Sat 01-Mar-14 08:30:17

I know exactly how you feel, my ex has been badgering me relentlessly about having less contact (less than 1 night a week) because the one night is a Saturday and he needs a social life, but he can't do any other night either! Aghh!!

I also suspect my DD gets pawned off on his sisters. There's no way to even describe the anger!

Minime85 Sat 01-Mar-14 08:44:29

agree completely, wanker.

summermovedon Sat 01-Mar-14 10:10:42

Wanker! Mine sees his DC 3 times a year for bank holiday weekends, so he doesn't have to take leave and just cancelled on them last minute leaving me stuck for half term childcare since I work - all because his mummy couldn't look after them. (FFIW I think he had a better social offer). Some men should be made to walk around town with billboards saying 'bad father', so people can thrown rotten tomatoes at them!

deepbluewave Sat 01-Mar-14 11:19:37

Fucking wanker. They never want to make any sacrifices & everything only to suit them.
I seriously believe my EXH thinks, life stops for us, when he isn't around. Makes no issue, never asks, what it's like for us.
My DS is 2 & I work 4 days & week & OT if he has my son. I have no flexibility with my diary, but he comes to me every month, with his pre arranged calendar. He even cancelled his night with DS to take his GF out on valentines.
Fucking wankers.
Least I get to wake up, with my sins gentle rantings in a morning & that cute little nappy bum!

Monetbyhimself Sat 01-Mar-14 11:43:33

Wanker.

froubylou Sat 01-Mar-14 11:49:46

My ex has dd eow. He collects from school Friday. He doesn't work or pay towards dd. But has had the barefaced fucking cheek to ask my mum to babysit so he can go to the races.

Wtf. I don't know how they have the nerve I really don't.

CaptainCorellisVentolin Sat 01-Mar-14 12:00:37

ExH lives abroad. He was supposed to have our DCs every school holiday. Xmas hols he gave us the wrong flight details - we ended up at wrong airport and DCs missed their flight. All my fault of course! He promised DCs he would come over end of Jan to see them. He didn't. He promised the DCs they would go to his last half term. They didn't.

In fact, we have not heard from him in around 6 weeks. DD has left skype messages for him without reply. He has landline and two mobile numbers for us.

He stopped paying maintenance May last year. Felt that since he had advanced me half of the flight costs he had paid enough and would start paying again this year. He hasn't.

Still, muppet that I am, I feel guilty for not actively encouraging the DCs to contact him. Maybe I should but I hate having to pick up the pieces when he does not pick up or reply confused

OP, your ExH sounds like a first class wanker, much like mine, if he puts his social life ahead of precious time he could and should be enjoying with your DD!!

LouiseSmith Sat 01-Mar-14 12:01:12

My ex sees (not has) once a year for two fucking hours on DS's birthday. But apparently that makes him dad off the year.

I feel your pain x

Divinity Sun 02-Mar-14 12:01:03

You need to look at the time and relationship with Granny. Does your DD like spending time there? If yes, is Granny someone you can speak to? If that's a yes, cut out Wanker and start talking to Granny directly about DD as it's in DDs best interest to have a good family relationship if that's possible.

If DD hates going there / Granny is a bitch then you have to kick up a fuss. Otherwise try to look at it as DD having less time around Wankerish tendencies wink.

arob3837 Mon 10-Mar-14 23:32:33

Hi, I'm new to this. My ex walked out at new year and demanded access to my 3 year old little boy. Slowly I started to trust him, as my son hated being taken off by his dad. I always suggested things for them to do together as I work and my time is valuable with my little boy... I wanted my son to enjoy his time with his dad. This weekend, my son has told me that daddy took him swimming with Becky! Who the hell is Becky? Apparently my boy has been to her house and she has a dog called max! This is less than 3 months since his dad walked out. I am so angry that the scheming shit did not inform me and drags my son around after him, he told me today that "daddy left me when I fell over in the park" obvs too interested in the slut he's just shacked up with. I am so angry, my boy does not want to be taken from the safety of his home and why does his "fantastic" father feel that he should not devote his time to my little boy? I am so angry that I just want to scream!
I am refusing access till I see a solicitor. If he demands to see my boy, I shall also be present for his sake and if he is upset we'll leave.

3xcookedchips Tue 11-Mar-14 00:10:56

You're refusing access, because...?

STIDW Tue 11-Mar-14 02:44:31

Because introducing a new partner to children less than three months after parents separate is insensitive and not meeting the needs of children. They need to grieve for the loss of their parents' relationship and time to adjust to the breakup of their family before meeting their parents' new partners.

Also perhaps arob3837 is finding it difficult if she didn't chose to end the relationship, she is struggling to make ends meet and coping with the children on her own a good deal of the time whilst working and/or feels that this person will try to replace her. Under those circumstances it's perfectly understandable someone is angry. Anger is often a secondary emotion to more primary emotions of hurt, fear and uncertainty.

However stopping contact isn't the answer. The introduction of new partners is a potential minefield and it is a case of choosing the lesser of the evils. Although it is extremely insensitive for the new partner to be introduced in this manner you don't have the right to stop contact and the ensuing parental conflict is likely to be far more damaging to your child in the long run.

Children learn by example from their natural parents how to communicate and when there is ongoing conflict between their natural parents communications are distorted they can't learn how to relate effectively to others or reconcile their differences. The result is they have dysfunctional relationships in adulthood. IF you stop contact the chances are your ex will retaliate, you will end up in court and feel resentful and resistant. Communication will then worsen and the family will be in a downwards spiral of provocation and retaliation. The detrimental effects of the downwards spiral on children is well documented.

What children really need is for parents to be the bigger person and put their interests first by supporting the child's relationship with the other parent and trying to improve communication even though the parent's behaviour leaves something to be desired.

Prforone - obviously it's not great that he has reduced access, and yet Ex doesn't spend all the time with her, it's a shame she doesn't get her Dad more often.

But is it really that bad that DD stays with her gran?

It's good for your DD to have a relationship with her fathers family, and paternal grandparents, so you should be happy about this at least.

And (I say this part with a massive dose of salt) he is her parent and can chose what he does regarding her care whilst he has her. There will be times when you leave your DD in the care of family and it is perfectly reasonable for him to do the same.

You must come to terms with the fact that you can't control what happens when the ex has your DD, and that he will chose to parent her his way - regardless of what you say. You can't stop him being a shit parent. I can say this to you as I have learnt over many stressful months with my own ex.

My ex has my DS every other weekend. He has never had him more - his own choice.

He has always had him staying with his parents - in fact the ex lived there for a while - and it became obvious that he wasn't the one doing much of the looking after.

It got to me at first. But as long as DS is enjoying a relationship with the other side if the family, I have learnt to live with the general lassez-fair attitude of his father when it comes to looking after him. At least someone is actually looking after DS!!!

Arob3837 - I was in a very similar situation to you.... except my Ex moved in with the woman and her two kids by month 4. Don't stop contact. It really isn't what is best for your child and will only lead to problems and more anger in the long run.

2.5 years down the line and Ex is on the 3rd girlfriend he has introduced DS to, and the second one he has now moved in with. It sucks because it doesn't feel like that is the best thing for DS, or that Ex is putting DS first. But I actually like the girl that Ex is with now. She seems to have been a massive grounding influence on him. DS likes her, and seems much happoer seeing his Dad now. Do try to take a step back and don't let the anger cloud your judgement.

arob3837 Tue 11-Mar-14 22:40:51

Why is it acceptable for men to behave like complete shit's with total disregard for their children's feelings and we are left to pick up the pieces. It is not acceptable for men to introduce their offspring to every woman they hook up with.
There is no way I will be entering into a relationship anytime soon, my child comes first.
Even if I did meet the perfect man, which is doubtful as he does not exist there is no way my child would meet him until I was confident that this was a forever relationship, certainly not within a matter of weeks!!
After all how will my little boy ever form Fulfilling relationships if he is to follow his father's example?
The selfish twerp does not even have the respect for my little boy's feelings so why should I let him do what the hell he wants with my son?
The bully is a control freak and this is the last bastion of control that he has over me as he know's just how much I value my free time with my 3 year old.
The wretch is violent and has anger management issues another reason why I am uncomfortable with my son spending time alone with the man.

STIDW Wed 12-Mar-14 00:15:56

Being a complete sh*t isn't gender specific and it is no more acceptable for women to introduce their offspring to every man they hook up with. Fathers make just as good parents as mothers. Some fathers even make better parents than some mothers and vice versa.

YOur little boy has the DNA from both of you and if your ex has Parental Responsibility he has equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means important issues such as living and contact arrangements, where a child goes to school, changing a name and medical decisions need to be agreed. When there is no agreement it is open to either party to apply for a judicial decision. In a nutshell unless there is a child protection legally you have no right to stop contact.

HOwever parents can decide day-to-day issues such as what activities children do and who they meet during their contact time unilaterally. It isn't about splitting time between parents or feeling uncomfortable with children spending time with the other parent. It's children's right to have a meaningful relationship with both parents and to feel secure about their identity.

IF there is independent evidence your ex is violent and has anger management problems and the behaviour is effecting your son the responsible thing to do would be to ask the court to put measures in place to ensure contact is safe. For example when it is deemed necessary a court can attach conditions or directions to a contact order so that contact is supervised, in a contact centre or indirect (letters, emails, internet or phone calls) or for your ex to attend separated parenting classes, a Dv perpetrator programme or anger management. If you just stop contact it leaves you on the back foot and takes longer to sort out because you may be perceived as being hostile to contact.

RandomInternetStranger Wed 12-Mar-14 00:22:52

I have no idea what advice to give but he sounds like my ex husband and an ex boyfriend of mine who would dump his kids on me & go out! I have no idea. I have to share my daughter with her Dad and it kills me and when I have her I can barely stand to go to the loo & miss that time with her, never mind going out for the night.

Arob3837 - no one is saying it's acceptable for anyone, man or woman, to have such disregard for their child's feelings or wellbeing. Nor that it is acceptable to introduce them to a new partner so quickly.

What we are saying is that stopping contact altogether, denying your Son a relationship with his father is not the answer.

Believe me - I have been there. By 4 months after our split Ex was living with a new woman playing happy families every other weekend with my DS. 6 months later he had moved out and moved on. Just as DS was getting used to the situation. I cannot imagine how upsetting and confusing that would have been for DS. I tried to talk to his father and explain my feelings and get him to agree to access at his parents etc, but I didn't stop contact.

Imagine how upsetting and confusing it would be to have your Dad disappear from your life. For reasons you don't understand. Knowing your mother is angry at him. Surely that is just as damaging to a child, if not possibly more, than spending time with his new GF for a few hours?

Also it's not really a case of letting him do what he wants with your son. He is your ex's son too. And he has the same rights you do.

You have to accept you are both parents, but you both have different views and opinions on how to parent. The only thing you can do is work out how you can minimise the impact on your DS. Look to agree some conditions on contact. If anger is a problem perhaps look into what you might do to ensure your son's safety.

But please, think very hard about how you might be hurting your son by denying him his father completely.

As STIDW points out this could lead to a long and protracted court case or similar, and so could drag out your sons hurt, upset and confusion over everything for years to come.

I've seen this first hand - between my recent boyfriend and his ex. It was one of the reasons our relationship didn't work (nearly 5 years after they split up) and I am so glad I do not have to deal with the poison and vindictiveness that they both entered into. The person who came off worse was their poor son. A poor, confused, hurt, angry little 6 year old who was consistently used as pawn in adult conflict. Please don't let it come to that.

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 15:15:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 15:18:45

Smudger-is that you darling ? Ahhh and we used to be soooooo good together. You should call iver some day. You've left a few of your Batman suits behind wink

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 16:59:31

Lol f4j reference. I aint affiliated with anything just sick of this constant pattern of I want whats best for the child( money) bullshit. I have my daughter every friday to sunday and weeks and fortnights in the holidays. I pay csa every week yet am still a shit dad apparantly. I have my daughter nearly half the year ( my choice) mother gets full child benefits full csa is married again has 2 incomes yet wont send a change of clothes with my daughter. Excuse me if I have no sympathy for any mother whining about fkn money

clam Mon 17-Mar-14 17:28:00

What, so because you say you pay the required csa amount and see your children regularly (it's called being a standard decent parent, and shouldn't really require a medal but there you go), all those mothers whose exes don't aren't justified in being fed up about it?

Right, okay.

STIDW Mon 17-Mar-14 17:30:54

smudger, I'm not sure what your point is, other than attacking single mums. Mothers on this particular thread weren't whining about money?

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