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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Another dilemma to add to my screwed up relationship...... sorry it is long!

18 replies

BlueBluePink · 05/08/2006 12:03

As i have previously posted (how do you all cope as a single parent?) i have 'issues' with my partner, BUT as i never mentioned, i caught him talking to 2 different girls over messenger and they were on his contacts list under 'friends' needless to say their conversations were more than friendly and after closer inspection i counted no less then 10 'friends'!!!! i confronted him and with a very heated discussion he confessed and admitted that it had been going on for about 6 months, (i read some of the emails that had been sent to him from 2 girls and they were discussing things about job interviews he had been to that even i didnt know about ) we talked in length and he was VERY sorry (as he would be) and promised he would shut that email down and open a new one and never ever do it again (me being the doormat that i am accepted this) well this was about 3 months ago now, and yesterday after trying to help my friend join mumsnet we had to use an email for he r to join under as she doesnt have on yet and so we used his old one, (i know it sounds like an ideal way for me to 'check it' but i truly and sincerely didnt intend to use it that way) when of course it said she was succesful but she had to open the email that mumsnet had sent to follow the link, thats when i realised oh bugger i will have to call him at at work and ask for his password if he remembers it! he said very calmly its not there anymore its been idle for too long, well i know thats bullshit as it takes 12 months for an idle email to close down and so he said oh ok maybe its not then i will check, i asked why i couldnt check and he said he wasnt going to give me his password, its his 'business' and its private, he assured me there was nothing there that was bad or incriminating, so why cant i have the password, because you cant so just shut up about it!! my friend was sat next to me listening and she said she could smell a rat! - hmmm me too!!!! in fear of sounding like a complete stoopid moron for putting up with his shit (sorry) what should i do? im such a chicken shit (sorry) i really dont know if i have the guts to end it all with him pleeeeeaaaaase help anyone, i need advice - badly!!

OP posts:

Report

hoolagirl · 05/08/2006 12:10

It sounds like he's hiding something if he won't give you the password.
Thats the reality is that if you won't confront him then you'll just need to put up with it.
My feeling is that you won't be able to put up with it for very long though.
Sorry if thats a bit harsh but better getting down to the bones of the matter.

BlueBluePink · 05/08/2006 12:17

As stupid as it sounds hoolagirl im not really how how to confront him effectively! daft i know but i cant bear the thought of having just another row!

OP posts:

Amanda1 · 05/08/2006 16:42

Message withdrawn

Lottelou · 05/08/2006 17:33

Whoa!! We none of us are leading BBP's life, or her "dp's".(or are privvy to how they manage other things in their relationship)....BBP - you have to ask yourself "what do I want out of this?"...we all deserve trust and honesty, though it sounds as if he isn't recognising this. You DON't have to do anything right now! Cool off a little, if you are able, and let himself offer an explanation..he knows he will be under pressure andso will react badly to being prodded...try to be cool, but not afraid, as you are sounding right now..

shebnem · 05/08/2006 21:48

here what is right i cant decide.
i would like to know: in a relationship the spouses can know each others emails, or not. is there a privacy about that between the spouses?
in my opinion there mustnt be any secrecy.

Lottelou · 05/08/2006 22:19

Shebneb - delicate area I know....we are moving from the specific to the general..

But no secrecy? Or rather 'privacy?....soo we have access to all our spouses thoughts movements feelings? A way that would kill any relationship cold dead in seconds...but were do we draw the line? That is entirely individual..no blanket judgement. Here, it seems himself doesn't know how to 'spend' his privacy responsibly and anyone should be suspicious i.e. email account..for me a partner comes to me as they are, without question. I do not want access to anything unless they want to give it to me. Mail, email, time, mobile phone etc...if their conduct is not what I hope and expect, then the door is shown. But that will become manifest without access to their space. Just my opinion..

mistressmiggins · 06/08/2006 07:31

Lottelou - unfortunately in this day & age it is much harder to trust - mobiles, internet, email - all these make secret communication possitlbe

if BBP's dp has been shown to be untrustworthy b4, isnt it hard for her to trust him now when he again is being secretive....

having said that, it may just be in this case that he is no longer using the email address BUT doesnt want BBP reading all his OLD emails....

BBP - I would wait until he comes home & talk calmly about it - get him to explain why he is reluctant to let yuo use his email

god I hate all this secrecy

Lottelou · 06/08/2006 09:28

MM...divergence of opinion warning!!

I did used to think that love and caring were synonymous - found not so - now think that love and trust in relationships is the key - it is one of the things that separates us from our fellow animals - consequence of our bigger brains!!

So..for me t osay it is harder to 'trust' these days is the same assaying it is harder to 'love' these days which I find too bleak to countenance....

Lots more to say but need to be offski forthe day with dd.

BBP - let us know how you are getting on, please??

also on other threads it has been assumed I am a female - to avoid confusion, will change my name to something a little more definite - something like "dickandballs"!!! ( not really - but something else) - Lottelou is based on dd's name.

Have aggod one today,all.

FanjoFanjoWhosGotTheFanjo · 06/08/2006 09:36

Hmmm, I do think spouses have the general right to privacy. But if he'd said he was stopping using this email, then he is behaving a bit oddly.

That being said, he might have lots of old emails on there he wouldn't want you seeing, particularly not with your friend beside you?

Lottelou · 06/08/2006 17:12

Fanjo x3 plus who's got the... - excellent point, if you don't mind me saying.

BBP@ - wassup?

hoolagirl · 06/08/2006 19:35

the fact he knows it will play on her mind as well........ !
If its about privacy then its really not relevant here if its an email address thats no longer used.
He could go in and delete all the old emails and then give her the password? Unless the email is still in regular use?
Just all sounds too dodgy, or hes being deliberately horrible?

mistressmiggins · 06/08/2006 19:38

thats ok LL - if you read my post again, you'll see I actually agree with you and Fanjo - I said it was possible he had OLD emails he didnt want them looking at and did advise BBP to see what he said

I certainly am not one to shout "leave"
after all I tried to work at my marriage when I found out about my ex's affair

BBP? update?

Pandorasjarboy · 06/08/2006 20:19

(formerly Lottelou)

re-read and thanks, no disagreement.

BBP may be very busy right now. Have been there once and it was truly awful - never again. (easy to say!). Hoping she is better than I was.

BlueBluePink · 07/08/2006 15:43

Hello all, had a shit weekend, didnt discuss it much until last night and then we sat arguing about it until almost 2am this morning he denies that he is doing anything wrong and i am barking mad to think otherwise, so we have left it at that, he did let me check his emails but i found nothing, as much as id like to beleive im wrong and he isnt doing anything, it is very likely that he has just cleaned it up for me as there were no emails dating before the 5th august which is abit of a giveaway! he works with computers for a living too so he is always going to have the upper hand in that dept now i feel fed up, frustrated and knackered.....

OP posts:

Pandorasjarboy · 07/08/2006 19:15

I am so sorry to hear this, BBP.

I appears to me time for an understanding of the fundamental expectations you have for this relationship. And ensuring he understands them. And one of them, it sounds to me, is being accountable to you.

You are sounding so powerless and drained, even when taking the initiative.

BlueBluePink · 08/08/2006 10:28

Thanks for all the help and input everyone - i really really appreciate it had an early night last night as i have picked up a cold from somewhere (never had a cold in the summer before - strange!) Anyway, nothing more has been said and yeah to be honest PJB i am feeling very drained and fed-up, its very hard to be cornered and powerless no matter what you try, its seems so crazy to have so many issues with just a refual to give a password, but its not just that its a combination of that and all the other dishonesty/neglect of the relationship anyway i guess theres nothing more that can be done now, so im left trying to figure out my head and wether or not this relationship has reached or passed its sell-by-date.

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liquidclocks · 08/08/2006 11:37

BBP- have read your thread here and agree with you, very suss if there were NO emails in the inbox. Sounds to me like your bloke knows he's been caught out but is still trying to make you think you're at fault and not him. I've sadi before on MN that my DH does things like deleting history/temp internet files/registry. I was not happy about it and although I can't change what he has access to away from home I now insist that the history etc. on our 'shared' computer is left intact. He wasn't happy about it but I didn't give him a choice IYSWIM.

I've made this analogy before and I know some people disagree with me but I see the internet as a real place. If your DP was going to a club, hanging round loads of women and then not telling you you'd be pretty pissed off right? Or if he was getting letters and not letting you know who they were from you'd be suspicious? Well I don't see chat rooms or emails are any different and he wouldn't like it if you were doing it to him. I won't go on, point made I think.

Good luck sorting this out with him, and don't feel like it's petty having these issues over a password - I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'straw that breaks the camel's back'.

Pandorasjarboy · 08/08/2006 12:30

No, these things never happen in isolation, do they??

From what you say, it does sound like you have a good grasp of where you are....it didn't read well to me when I saw the title "screwed up relationship"...and what your options are..

be brave, and don't make decisions through fear..they are the worst, whatever the decision is. I have been here, and am thinking of you.

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