Should I wait or go?

[stayorgo]

Hello all,

I've been lurking on mumsnet for the last few months and have finally plucked up the courage to write as you seem a helpful and sincere bunch, with useful advice.

I'll try make my story as short as possible and as truthful as possible though it is very difficult as I am sure I worry that I will be judged. Anyway, here goes:

I've been married for just over 10 years and it has been pure hell. We met under great circumstances and were very much in love. However, things started to go sour as we have very different personalities and dealt with the world in very different ways. He very often embarrassed me and I just could NOT bear it. He seemed to take it in his stride and didn't care one little bit whether we had argued or not. I would be insane, not able to eat or sleep while he would comfortable get on with his life and eat and sleep just fine! Drove me mad and a combination of immense frustration and amazement and disrespect made me quite violent. It escalated to me not allowing him to sleep and making him take the time "to think". Then I found out he had been wining and dining a woman from his office. He claims it never went further than that but he bragged about it to colleagues and seemed to think he was some lothario! This took out relationship further downhill and I grew more violent, did not allow him to sleep more than 5-6 hrs a night, kicked him out of bed to sleep in a sleeping bag. We never went out, never saw anyone apart from soem family. We did not see his family as his mother is a witcha and deliberately did all to make sure we fought by the time she went home. I tried to twll him time and again to stick up for himself and us, but as always his problem solving skills were disgusting, so we haven't spoken to or seen his family in years.

Eventually we had a child who is now three. Since her birth my violence has been minimal and so have the fights. At least in front of her. I may have been an awful wife but I am great mother and despite everything I have a very well adjusted intelligent, kind and happy child.

Two months ago he left the house, 1.5 months ago he sent me an email saying he had taken on a solicitor, then divorce petition arrives. Throughout this whole time he has been completely unreachable for me and my dd. Never answers any emails (I must have sent 60 odd!), never answers his phone and I have no idea where to find him as he has no set place of work. I have no family here and I am completely alone in taking care of dd, the household and my feelings of fear and depression. I can see why he wants out but just disappearing is amazing. He has neither seen nor spoken to dd in that whole time and of-course I am sure she misses him. I am now beginning to think that his behaviour is bad enough that it is time for me to stop waiting and take proper action. I would love your opinions.

Thank you.

[nicnack2]

it is difficult to describe a situation on paper. did you get any help for your violent behaviour?

[sagimom]

Hiya stayorgo hun

I think ur very brave admitting the things that u have and u clearly want the best for ur daughter. And ur doing it by urself! That alone is admirable.
Not sure if im having a blonde moment but what do u mean by 'take proper action'? (courts? etc)

[jellyjelly]

Are you getting any maintence if not start now vby calling the csa who can track him down. Is he self emplyed? living in uk?

Have you always been agressive/whatever you want to say/call it (dont want to offend) or is this just with him and you have had enough and that caused it?

[stayorgo]

Nicknack2, no I never did... nobody knows anything about our lives/problems. According to the outside world, we are a perfect family.

[stayorgo]

Sagimom, I'm trying so hard to be brave and continue for my dd's sake, never showing her hurt, always trying to keep her stimulated and happy.

We go out and see friends and I have to put on the huge "I am mrs happy" act. All I want to do is sleep... but I must put her first. She has never caused any of this and I refuse to let her suffer any more than she has to.

Your message has made me cry, you are possibly the first person who has acknowledged that I am doing it all alone and I am completely exhausted, mentally and physically. Thank you for your kindness and perception.

[stayorgo]

Jellyjelly, he is continuing to pay the bills and my credit cards are still working. He is self employed and living in the UK, yes.

Don't worry, I am not offended, I am very aware of what I have done and him leaving has been good in that I suddenly realised. I have written countless emails begging him to call me to tell him just how I have "seen the light" but nothing.

NO, I have never been violent before. But he is extremely frustrating and I could never understand how he is able to live without ANY level or need to problem solve.

I just don't know what to do; if he phoned should I just answer or has is disappearing without a word and not seeing or speaking to dd so horrific that I should leave it at that? And start making sure that the divorce proceedings are done as quickly as possible?

[stayorgo]

I suppose what I'm asking is do I deserve this? Should I wait for him? Has my behaviour been so awful that I should understand his current actions? Or should start taking action, as in getting a divorce as quickly as possible and, like him, refuse to EVER speak to him again. Just disappear? Perhaps he should have an idea what that feels like.

My main hearbreak over all of this is dd. She's a gorgeous, gorgeous child and it rips me to shreds seeing her friends with family, doting grandparents etc and she has no-one but me. She deserves so much more.

[sagimom]

Hey there

I have to admit that I have been pushed beyond extreme by men too. Frustration isnt the word!

I dont think it makes us violent ppl, just victims of heartless provocation at times. (says she!! lol)

Maybe its time u had some 'me' time & got out and had some fun. Ur daughter is still young so u can make the most of that & explore life babe. Theres so much out there, choose what u want and do it....never hold out on a guy that could leave a child the way hubby did. She is worth so much more & so are u.
I think u'll be just fine. If i was ur mum id be proud x

[shebnem]

hi stayorgo,
i feel sorry for how you feel.
and i understand how you feel sorry for yr dd, because i am in the same situation, thinking my dd doesnt deserve this. she is a beautiful girl like yrs.
when i look in general, i think that these men are not cut to be a father, they dont care about their children, so its better for our dd s if they are away, its their loss, which they will understand later.
as four yr relation with yr dp, it didnt work for 10 yrs, so its good that it finished. i think it was going to finish in some way anyway.
his new partner will see his true colors later.
you will be able to discover how life can be nice without them, at least think that way, there wont be any more arguments.
wish you best

[tammybear]

Hi, I read this thread and felt I had to post. I've had the same feelings as you, and I know how difficult it can be.

I understand you want to do the best for your dd, and have her see her father as much as possible. I've been down that road with my xp, but to beginning with, he was very awkward about it, and it just seemed to be a war of games. My advice to you is to not contact him now, and to leave it, and let him make up his own mind about whether he wants to be in contact with dd or not.

Also, how are you financially? If he is continuing to pay the bills, he may one day decide to just stop and you need to make sure you'll be in a position to be able to cover them. Also look into benefits you are entitled to.

I too have been pushed in previous relationships, to the point where violence does occur on both parts. Unfortunately it does happen, but I agree with what sagimom said.

You need to focus on yourself and your dd now. If you do have family or friends that are near you or that you can talk to, then let them know what has happened. Your dd having you is more than enough. You need to be strong for her and for yourself, which is why having some kind of support for yourself can be of great help if you can talk to someone.

Take care xx

[Fluffybubble]

Hi

Am so sorry about your situation.

You have been very brave and it sounds as if you are doing an amazing job as you have a happy child - children are so perceptive, so you are obviously making her feel very secure.

Just picking up on a couple of things... legally, it wouldn't hurt to know where you stand. An initial appointment with a solicitor is usually free and you are not obliged to follow up. Maybe if you have some facts to hand it will make your decision easier... Also, maybe if you start to use any emails to your dh to update him solely on your dd, he might come out of the woodwork. You have said that he is not a great problem solver so maybe he is keeping his head down, as he cannot deal with the situation anymore (just guessing). If he loves your daughter, he may be persuaded to respond, as it is issues concerning you as a couple that have led to this breakdown in communication. (My ex cannot deal with any kind of confrontation with me, and just disapears off the radar if we argue. If I play it softly, softly and talk about our ds then he reappears...)

Finally, (sorry so long!), I wondered if you had thought of speaking to your gp? You have so much on your plate, and presenting a happy front to everyone must be exhausting, especially when dealing with a young child. You say that all you want to do is sleep, and it may be that a chat with a dr or counsellor will help you to cope...

I really hope that things start to get better for you. In the long-run, all you have any control over is your life and that of your dd. You need to put yourself and your dd first, look after yourself and ask for support from people you trust. Try to take one day at a time... Take care.

[shebnem]

hi Fluffybubble,
i really admire yr advices.
they sound really professional.

[stayorgo]

Thank you all, you are really kind. Because this is the first time I have confided in anybody, all those tears that I have been terrified of shedding start flowing every time I read your posts. Perhaps I need to cry and it's a good thing. A little more info:

Husband has generally been a good person. He has always been generous with money (he is a high earner) and most decisions in our household have been made by me. He's always treated my family with respect, been a very hands-on dad etc. So apart from not problem solving, most people would see him as a good partner.

I can't talk to family as I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. They have their own problems and the pain of my mother's passing three years ago is still very heavy. Also there has always been this thing with me where I have to present a perfect exterior - and that is the reason I can't tell my friends. I am completely alone in this and really not sure what the next step is.

Leaving is very difficult as I would be so ashamed and embarrassed to admit a failed marriage. The kind of background I come from and the circles I move in very much look down on divorce. My dd lives in a good area and all her friends' parents are together.

I know my behaviour in the marriage has been disgusting but I cannot for the of me understand how anyone could be SO cruel that they would just disappear and not even attempt ot see their dd. I sometimes wonder if he is having a nervous breakdown after years of unhappiness?

It is an extremely difficult feeling not being able to just speak to somebody about what is going on. Even if we never get back together, we still need to talk, need to know the next step.

I'm now so desperate, I am thinking of hiring a private detective to find out where he currently lives. But I'm no longer even sure if I want to know... I wonder whether it's time for me to walk away now? Or was my behaviour in the past awful enough that I just have to take this on the chin and wait for him to contact me and tell me what is next? It is getting more and more difficult to go on daily though.

[Fluffybubble]

I really think that you need to find someone to talk to asap (apart from us! )

If you did feel that you could approach a friend or family member I doubt that they would judge you (I would hope not!). You don't have to give all the gory details, just the basic facts, which are that you and your dh have had some problems and that you are now (at least for the time being) trying to cope on your own. This is all they need to know at the moment.

To be honest, whatever your behaviour, I don't (my personal opinion!) really understand why you dh would not at least be in touch re your dd. The only thing that I can think of is that he obviously knows that you are a capable and caring person, and that you will put your dd first, therefore he will have few concerns regarding her welfare.

I think that anyone who truly cares about you will want to do everything they can to help (that's what friends are for!). Maybe some of your friends are more "associates" rather than true friends. You never know, though, if you confide in someone they may suprise you! If you have been busily putting up a "coping with everything" front then people probably assume that all is well. It sounds as if your family has been through a lot too, and if you don't want to offload the whole story, you don't have to. Maybe you could explain things very very briefly, and maybe ask for some help with your dd, even if it is just for an hour to give you a break.

I really think that you should try to see your gp if possible. When my ex left last year, I sobbed all over mine! They can recommend counselling etc, if that's what you want. At least then you would have someone neutral and unbiased to unload onto. I don't think that you can cary around this burden alone indefinately, for your sake and that of your dd.

As far as the private detective is concerned maybe you could ask the opinion of a solicitor. Ultimately, you do need to know where you stand, and it is not fair of your dh to just remove himself from the situation, it just leaves you in limbo.

Sorry this is so long (again!) - you sound so sad and I hope that you can get some help (from any source) so that you don't have to deal with all of this alone any more. Keep writing here if it is helping at all...

[stayorgo]

Fluffybubble, great advice. Today I plucked up the courage and have now made appointments with two solicitors for tomorrow. Then at least I will know roughly where I stand. I never, ever thought that husband (notice how I can't say "dh" could ever be this disgustingly cruel and capable of not seeing his own child. But then again he may see he will never understand how I did the things I did to him.

The same question keeps running through my mind; if he wanted to come back should I just let him or is this bad enough that I should leave? It really is a tricky situation. What a stupid, cowarice man he's turned out to be and at the moment I absolutely abhore him.

You're absolutely right, limbo is exactly where he has left me. I don't even know whether to get my girl her school uniform as I don;t know where we will be this time next month!

I'm too ashamed to talk to my GP but perhaps a councillor is a good idea. Perhaps he/she can give me some perspective.

[Fluffybubble]

Hi! Have been away for a few days, hence no reply -sorry!

How are you doing? Did you see solicitors? If you did, I hope that they helped a bit. I think that at the moment you should concentrate on taking one day at a time, and looking after yourself and dd. In the event that your dh reappears, and wants to make a go of things then you can deal with it then...I don't think that it is a have him back / ditch him situation. there is a lot that you don't understand about the current situation so he would need to fill in the blanks for you. Also, you obviously have some unresolved issues that must be dealt with so, if he were to contact you, it would probably be best to consider seeing Relate (or similiar) to help you decide how to proceed...

Have you heard from him at all yet? As far as your dd and school is concerned, I think that you need to assume that this current situation may continue, and do what you can to ensure some continuity and security for both yourself and your dd. If you are happy for her to go back to school, then make that decision and get the uniform. Taking control and making some decisions will hopefully help you to feel a bit more positive.

I think that the counselling idea is a good one, if you can deal with it - at the very least it will give you some "me" time, which you need badly, especially if you cannot offload onto friends and family at this time. Hope you are having an okay weekend , take care.