Feelings for your ex....

[confusedagain]

What do you do when you still have feelings for your ex, even when you know he's just not worth it? I split with ex-dh two years ago and things have just recently settled down (money / contact with ds etc). I am still finding it really hard to not care about him and, if I am completely honest, would probably have him back tomorrow .

He has treated ds and myself badly (cheated, left several times when ds very small baby before leaving for good). I know that we have trust issues and that it is highly unlikely we could go back but, despite this, I still care. I feel so stupid because all logic dictates that these feelings are VERY WRONG! Also, my family and friends would crucify me if they even thought that I felt this way. What's wrong with me?.

[mistressmiggins]

I do think this is natural or if not, I feel like that.

the life / future you imagined has gone & its hard to see how you can have a better/different one

you've said it - he treated you badly - cheated lied etc

wheres the respect? nowhere
your family & friends are seeing it from the outside & can rationalise it

to be honest, if you split 2 yrs ago, isnt that long enough?

do you still have contact?
does he play with your head?

theres nothing wrong, its just not what you had planned for your & Ds lives and its hard

big hugs to you

[fistfullofnappies]

yes, I too have these sort of feelings. You have to keep reminding yourself why you are divorced, I think.
Isnt there a book out, which basically makes the point that women are experts at convincing themselves that a relationship is worth it, when in fact its completely dead? You know, when you convince yourself that he couldnt phone you last night because of xyz reason...when its blinking obvious to everyone else that he just doesnt care!
It must be a female thing. But definitely trust logic here, not feelings, Id say.

[confusedagain]

We still see each other once a week approx when he collects ds, which I think is the problem. If we had split up without having had ds then would not have seen him again.

I think as well that it's because we both love ds so much that I care about him. As things have settled recently, ex has been chatty and it is easy to forget that past 2 years have happened and focus on the fact that I miss him. (Although when I say chatty it is usually him offloading about work or gf - possibly ex-gf). Feel like a complete mug for putting up with it, and am usually rational enough to remember all of the crap that came with him! Sometimes though I just feel so sad about it all, and so cross with myself that I would even contemplate having him back. I have been angry with him for so long, which has what has got me through the divorce, but now I am finding myself looking forward to the next time I see him and very loud warning bells are ringing.

[jellyjelly]

I still care about my x fiance because he is the father of our child but i am not in love with him and it has only been a short while. He treated me like dirt and cheated 2 weeks before our wedding and lied all through our 5 yr relationship. I also have conflicting thoughts about him like thinking it would be better for him to just drop out of our lives but i know it wouldnt be for our son. I also want him to be happy but not with herbecause of all the pain that this has caused the children and x partners but i also want it to be worth all the pain.

[nikkie]

have you actually seen/met anyone else?
I didn't want my xh back but still had feelings that I wanted someone and it sometimes became him because there was noone else.

[confusedagain]

Think that is probably a big factor. I have been out with a couple of people but nothing has really come of it. The history of our relationship was break up / make up so on some level I suppose that I have been thinking / hoping that this would be the case again. Sometimes the feelings just catch up with me, I think that if we were ever to give it a try again that I would probably kill him on his first evening home! I do like my independence, just miss him and like MM said in her post, this wasn't how I planned on my life being! Am just feeling sorry for myself and having sunday evening blues! Just wish I could switch off the part of my brain that is making me think this way!

[nikkie]

I think it is a very difficult thing to move on , it took me 4 years to enjoy being independant and another year to actually be interested in anyone but have seen others on here move on much quicker so I think it is a very personal reaction.

[mistressmiggins]

dont talk to your ex about his job - or politely change the subject to DS
can you just let DS out the front door rather than inviting ex in & chatting?

probably suits him to keep you like this but clearly isnt helping you

my ex used to phone & chat to me about his day at work so I stopped speaking to him on the phone - I still (8mths on) have to explain to him that Im not his wife anymore so am not intereested in his work problems...guess he cant talk to HER about it seeing as they work together

I think the loss of one future is the hardest thing to get over rather than particularly the man. I explained this to my family recently - that Ive lost first shared experiences - first day at school, first concert, first GF/BF, marriage, first baby and equally important, 30/40/50th wedding anniversaries
All of these are gone

my family said they hadnt thought about that and could see why to begin with I wanted him back - I wanted my FUTURE back

I wouldnt worry about how long it takes
I have just been on a date after 10 months but have realised that I just wanted a chat with a male who wasnt my friends' husbands or brother or dad....but dont want a new relationship yet.
The difference is that yesterday made me realise that when Im ready and find someone right, I can have a different future.

[nikkie]

well put MM

[bluejelly]

The thing that really helped me get over my ex who I still loved hugely but knew was really not good for me at all was by writing down a very long list of all the shit things he had ever done and how it made me feel. Whenever I had romantic notions about him I looked at the list and thought 'thank god that's not my life anymore'.

[Han4Dan]

i don't he's a twat

[confusedagain]

Thanks for your words of wisdom, esp MM. Feeling a bit better about it all again today, just have these sad, desperate moments sometimes . Think I may well write a list, my mind has a way of editing out the crap when I'm feeling lonely! Really appreciate all of your thoughts, thank you.

[bluejelly]

Good luck. I still have days where I miss my ex but I just know the fantasy which involves his best bits was nothing like the reality of his day-to-day behaviour.
Also met someone new now which is proving to be an excellent distraction

[nikkie]

I don't have a list but have a very strong memory of something he did and drag that out every time I felt imay like him again.

[jellyjelly]

I dont miss him at all the only things i miss out of our relationship are the following:

Sex - but can get it anywhere i like now not that i am going to start doing stands.

Roast dinners because i cant do them.

Money - i have none but what i have is mine. Thats all.

[fistfullofnappies]

gosh, confusedagain, I could almost have written your posts, for years!
After a lot of nastiness from him though, I think I am well and truly over him, and I dont even weaken (much) when he starts being nice.

mistressmiggins, it is truly incredible isnt it, how men can treat women like sh*t, and then expect the same sort of service as when they were married. Mine forgets that he has been telling me how much he hates me, when he wants something out of me.

[nikkie]

What I miss;
hugs!

[fistfullofnappies]

yeah, me too. Im getting good at imagining them though

[nikkie]

me too (until i got a real one then that spoilt it)

[DVX]

Confusedagain there is nothing wrong with you at all! Time though and some sort of perspective on what it is you really miss are what will help. Mistress Miggins is absolutely right here.

Mistress Miggins I have followed your threads and must say I am really impressed at how well you are doing now! Well done it is great to know and you represent a really hopeful future.

[sanchpanch]

I think my feelings for my ex, mainly are that i dont actually miss him but i miss the family that we once had together, it has been a huge adjustment, but i have now adapted and i once again consider me and my 2 girls to be a complete family, sometimes i think we are much happier to!!!

i used to think i missed him but then realised i didnt miss him it was the life we had and the family we had that i missed,
hope that makes sense,

i also, managed to get over him, by thinking about how badly he and treated me and the girls at the start of our break up, and i know i could never forgive him for this, so i had to realise i could never go back because i would never forgive him, and would always be worried he would have another affair, and i now want more than that for me and girls, (weather i will get it is another story), but i would rather be one my own than go for 2nd best because i now know i can be on my own and happy

[benbenandme]

Haven't posted on here for a bit - ex left me a year ago now and sometimes I feel I'm moving on and coping okay, and then other times - like now - I sit here bawling my eyes out for no particular reason other than those already mentioned - its the loss of the future.
Probably not a good noght tonight as he has been round to collect ds and his gf was with him.
Was seeing someone for a couple of months but my heart wasn't really in it so I ended it as wasn't fair to be with someone when I would still have ex back given half a chance.
If only someone could promise me that the day will come where I am genuinely as happy as I was before he left .... Am so frightened that I may not have any more children (am 33 now) ... I know everyone says I've still got a few years left in me but i dont know how long it would be before I meet someone that I love enough and they love me enough and I can trust them not to do what he did !!!! Statistically it doesn't seem very likely !!!
Am planning on moving away hopefully before Xmas, hoping some distance between us may help my head a bit ... at moment I risk bumping into them every time I go shopping and I hate it.

[Lottelou]

Gosh - I thought it was just me!! And being a bloke in this female chamber. BUT, so many of the feelings echo, most potently being the loss ofthe future. And who votes for MM as leader?!!

[Lottelou]

Benbenandme.....one year??? I had been stuck for 2 months (bawling fairly regularly), until a "friend" suggested that it will be so much easier to 'move on' if I actually wanted to....is there a germ/kernel in there for you? Are you reacting to fears rather than in the logic so eloquently described below??

[benbenandme]

A lot of the time I am fine - have ctied quite a bit over last few weeks but think it may be because its my birthday/ ds birthday / 1 year since he left all in the same week. Before the last few weeks I havent cried for months.
Scares the hell out of me that of all the relationships I've ever had I've never felt anything like what I felt for ex and I can honestly say I fancy him as much now as I did at the beginning, fo me it never got to that dull mundane phase (obviously did for him though!)
I would give anything to take away these feelings and just get on with my life. I have built up a pretty good social life (as good as it can be when you're a single parent to a 3 year old!)and am busy most of the time and work part-time but I feel I'm just existing day-to-day rather than enjoying my life - does that make sense to anyone??