I got tough - XP got going

[Sheila]

Really need some advice on this one because I have no idea what to do:

As you'll see from my earlier post I finally got tough with XP and told him that if he wants to see DS (6yo) he has to agree to a regular contact arrangement with me, i.e. planned visits rather than turning up (or not) when he feels like it.

His response to that was that it "wasn't possible" for him to plan his weekends in advance and that he would stop seeing DS.

Despite this dreadful news, and the fact that he hasn't seen DS now for nearly a month, I've stuck to my guns. XP spoke to DS last Sunday and said he wanted to come and see DS this weekend. I said he could come on the understanding that he talks to me about a regular arrangement. I asked him to confirm what time he's coming by today. Of course I've heard nothing. Also have had no maintenance payments from him since May.

So, what should I do? Go back to letting XP see DS when he wants, knowing he'll continue to regularly let him down and that I'll be unable to have any life.

Or do I stick to my guns, denying XP unscheduled contact in the knowledge that XP may walk away entirely. I would do this but it's very hard when DS misses his dad so much and life might be even worse for me with no support at all from XP.

Please help - I feel really desperate about this.

[YeahBut]

Regular, planned contact is much better for your son rather than XP turning up as and when he feels like it. It sounds very much as though your XP dislikes the fact that a regular arrangement takes control away from him and gives it back to you and your son. Don't let him get away with it. If he's prepared to manipulate you and your son like this with so little regard for his own child's well-being, your son would be better off without him. Stay strong.

[glitterfairy]

It is really not your fault and you should stick ot your guns imo. My X is just the same and it is really annoying. Now we have a court order that ahs made things a lot better but before he just thought it woudl be almost as though he was living with his and he could jsut turn up whenever.

It is bad for you and your Ds. Kids like structure. Maybe you can sell him on it that way. Say that your Ds needs to know when he will see his dad and that knowing friday is dads day or whatever makes the whole idea that dad doesnt live with us much more bearable for him.

It is not the frequency of contact but the structure and schedule which kids find important. Mine loathe it when X turns up at school unannounced it is not because they dont want to see him just that they like to know.

[Sheila]

Thanks to you both - it really helps to have this support. GF how does your court order work? I didn't think there was much I could do legally because XP and I were never married.

[Sheila]

XP doesn't have PR, although he's named on DS's birth cert. so wouldn't have trouble getting it. That's not really my issue though - I don't have any problem with XP seeing DS as often as he likes - I just want to know in advance when it will be and for him to turn up, and turn up on time (not at 3pm when we've waited in all day for him!).

I've offered to go to mediation etc but XP will never agree to do this because he knows they will recommend we agree a regular contact schedule. He wants contact but only on his terms and doesn't seem to care how much he hurts DS with his unreliability.

[Fluffybubble]

Maybe that's the bottom line though - My xh and I ended up going through mediation to establish a regular contact agreement. It has turned out to be the only way that xh will do what he says he is going to do. Before Christmas I was writing a list of all of the times he turned up late, cancelled etc etc... I had no issue with any genuine reasons for this but when it became clear that his social life / love life came first I was really cross.

In order for him to show that he is serious about being part of your DS's life maybe he needs to take that step. Am reluctant to say give this as an ultimatum but would think that any committed father would welcome opportunity to ensure that he would be part of child's future...If he is not prepared to do this then it does not bode well for the longterm and your DS may just be continually disappointed by him .

Sorry, not sure if this helps really, just know that I now respect my xh for demonstrating that DS is important enough to him to go through mediation....

[glitterfairy]

I agree where mediation is an option use it. It was not for me because of the violence and our situations are very different.

Your Xp needs to make his mind up though as to where his priorities lie. it is unfair to boht you adn your Ds to behave as he is diong but then I often think that men do not understand the importance of routine and structure to both you adn your Ds.