Dd doesn't want to spend time with her father

(8 Posts)
Notcontent Sat 26-Oct-13 18:12:00

Is this to be expected?

Basically, the background is that my ex-husband left us when dd was only a few weeks old. He left to be with someone else. When she was a baby and toddler he used to come twice a month or so to spend time with us. When dd was around 2.5 she started having days out with him and later would sometimes stay one night with him. Bu he was always busy with work and his new family and sometimes she would only see him once a month. She seemed to be always happy to see him and the DC he has had with his new wife. She is now 8 and has suddenly decided that she doesn't want to go there. She has been crying about it and I basically had to force her to go. I just don't understand it.

Before anyone asks, there is no chance that she is being abused or anything like that. The only explanation I can think of is that I think the new wife resents the fact that my dd exists and while I am sure she is not mean to my dd, it may be that now that dd is older she can sense that. I really don't know.

It's very hard because her father obviously expects her to want to see him.

Mynewmoniker Sat 26-Oct-13 18:22:25

It may be a phase she's going through and I would say don't force her. Does she share her thoughts with anyone else in the family? She may not want to upset mum n dad with the real reason but someone else may be able to get to the bottom of it.

She may also be a little jealous of new wife seeming to get more attention now. Not unreasonable at her age.

Notcontent Sat 26-Oct-13 18:26:08

I don't think she should be forced to go but the problem is that her father expects her to. When I tried talking to him about it he seemed to suggest that it was my fault, which could not be further from the truth.

betterthanever Sat 26-Oct-13 18:44:54

He is bound to say it is your fault, he would never take the blame for having not established a good attachment and bond because he has hardly seen her her not wanting to go.
My DS is the same age and he doesn't want to just hang out with me as much now, he wants his friends around more and to be out locally with his friends (there are woods and a safe street to play in - and thier houses). At this age he has established friends and people he likes to spend time with - it really depends what they (DD and her dad) do together when they are together I supose - if she doesn't feel comfortable and happy and has other better options of things to do when she is with you then it is probably justly that and to be honest as she gets older it will get worse as she starts seeing her friends more.

They have to work so hard at school these days and have homework, I guess she wants fun weekends and why not. It is up to her dad to sort out his relationship with his DD, the time they spend together has to be beneficial - it is a real shame but you can't force her.

I know there are those who would say she is a child she should be made to go but then I think resentment would just kick in and she will dig heels in.

Notcontent Sat 26-Oct-13 19:07:38

Betterthanever - I suspect you are spot on. Do you know us? grin
He never does anything just for her or just with her. He is well off so they all go out to lunch, etc. but then at home she is I think just left to watch tv, whatever younger sibling is watching.

Yes, I always get blamed for everything.

betterthanever Sat 26-Oct-13 19:27:19

If you are not the problem it must be him and he can't have that smile they follow the same script.
He is ticking the `seen DD' box but has forgotten the bits about love and care and possibly fun too. I think all you can do if he blames you or even if he doesn't is say; `well I need your help to make her want to come because I am either not encouraging her the right way or the problem is something else and she doesn't want to tell me'. He needs to talk to her and he may not like what he hears but that is up to him.

Notcontent Sat 26-Oct-13 19:39:08

Thanks betterthanever.

Liberated71 Tue 29-Oct-13 11:45:37

I'm really interested that you say don't force her to go. I've been separated from my ex for 7 months. Divorce was finalised last week. I've 2 boys, 12 and 11, neither of whom want to see their dad anymore. Say he is harsh and unkind to them when they visit. They don't like his new girlfriend either. He takes the view that contact is the way to keep his maintenance payments down and doesn't really make it a pleasurable experience for any of them. He'll flip his lid if I tell him they don't want to see home anymore.

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