Bridget Jones + one... how do you meet someone when you are a single mum?

[Fluffybubble]

I know that this is probably going to seem like a daft question...

I am a sociable person but virtually everything I do revolves around my ds (2 1/2). I have attempted to do the internet thing (Matchdotcom) and have now registered with directdating following recommendation from others on mn... I met up with one person from Match but he turned out to be an expert in the internet dating game (was still searching for others whilst seeing me), I am so naive!

I have been single for over a year now (longer if you count the year before x-dh finally left!!). My mum has recently said that it won't be too long before ds goes to school (school, not pre-school!!!) and I can get back out there... I can't wait another 2 1/2 years!!

I am sounding sad and desperate, I know . I am eyeing up any poor bloke (single!) that comes my way and I know that I must be giving out scary manic vibes!!

The main problem is that I was with xh for 13 years (since school), with only a few "flings" when we were "on a break" at uni... I am so rubbish at the whole dating thing...!!!

My friends have all paired up (I went to 7 weddings last year!!) and they are thinking about babies not nights on the town...

Any advice / inspiring tales welcome...

[sheepgomeep]

love comes when your not looking for it!

I was in a similar situation last year, my ex and I had been seperated for 15 months after he ran of with someone else. I had been with him for nearly ten years and he was my first lover.

When we split, I met a few people from the internet (not a dating site but through my service provider) and they turned out to be creeps.
I met another lad when I went clubbing but that turned out to be othing then I had a texting relationship with a lad I worked with but I had a sort 'unsuccesful he he' one night stand with him and then that fizzled out too.

I think I gave up at this point and thought I'm never ever going to meet anyone and resigned myself to that fact.

And then came along dp I actually worked with him and never hought for one minute he liked me 9he had a girlfriend0 and I didn't like him that much, well I liked talking to him and thought he's niceish but didn't fancy him.

Anyway he and his g/f finished and he was well down, we started texting, he chased me loads, we got closer, I started fancying him and one yesr on we are engaged!

It's funny because he told me he liked me from the day he started (about a year before all this) but he was trying to make it work with his g/f.

What I liked about him was the fact he never ever once dirty text me and that was such a pleasant change for me. He was so nice and when it came to sleeping with him he was willing to wait for me and never pushed me (as it happens I shagged him after 2 weeks

we are having some problems, he is depressed and a pain in the ass sometimes but hopefully we will get there.

It will happen to you one day too, Do you work?
could your mum babysit while you did an evening or day class. I know it sounds cliched but you do meet peolple on these places.

As soon as i gave up looking I met someone.

good luck!!

[Fluffybubble]

So pleased for you !!

No, I don't work, which I think is a big factor. I think as much as anything you miss talking about something other than children...

My mum does babysit but she works full time and is reluctant (understandably) to give up her evenings. The idea of a class is a good one though, I think if it was on a regular basis it might be easier for her...

I decided to approach things differently so looked at the dating websites (and so many people seem to meet partners this way nowadays). So many men list having a child (the potential partner that is) as a no-no. I am so proud of my little boy and wouldn't want to be with anyone who couldn't accept him but this seems to seriously limit the options (maybe that's a good thing!)

Congratulations on your relationship!! There are always going to be some issues and it is the working through them together bit that makes it all worth while. It also sounds as if you have been through enough that you can value your dp for his good points and his bad, which is real life ultimately...

Thanks for the advice, I hope things keep going well for you .

[sheepgomeep]

I found that as well, that a lot of men didn't like the fact that I had children or rather they thought because I was a single mum with two kids I was an easy lay. They pushed me to sleep with them but didn't want any commitment.. bloody shallow if you ask me.

dp has got two girls around my dd's age which helped a bit

[bluejelly]

Keep plugging away I reckon. Sure you don't give off manic vibes. Just a question of meeting the right one, and they are worth waiting for...
Met my exp at work, and have a date this Sat with one from work...
Have you thought about getting a part-time job?

[Fluffybubble]

I think that work might be the way to go... Is typical, was loved up, engaged & married at last work place, where there was at least a 50:50 ratio of men to women (has got to be more likely there than at a mum & toddler group I suppose !)

Actually really enjoyed working there so may find out about p/t jobs...

Am not sure about the manic vibe, I think I go from one extreme to another - am so concerned with not looking as if I am looking, that end up ignoring people .

Very exciting about your date (is it exciting??!!). Are you looking forward to it? Is a night out, at least...

[bluejelly]

Well it's a blind date which is rather scary-- someone been emailing at work. Am trying not to get too excited cos he could be a weirdo and/or he may think I'm a weirdo
Will keep you posted!
And good luck with your search!

[TerrbileTwos]

why do so many guys think that single mothers are an easy lay? Have had the same problems since returning to work after having my son. Anyone i show the slightest interest in automatically assummes they are gonna get me into bed on the first date. I have actually resigned myself to the fact that i will be single till my son leaves for uni (in about 16 years if i'm lucky)

[Fluffybubble]

Very brave bluejelly!

You never know, you might be pleasantly suprised if you don't get your hopes up!!

Have received email from someone on internet dating site - v exciting (doesn't take much to excite me ). Sounds nice... at least it shows there is someone out there...

Have only been out with one person since split from xh TT and he seemed to think the same regarding easy lay...he should be so lucky, my xh would confirm that I have never been an easy lay (much to his disgust ).

[bluejelly]

There are loads of people out there FB, just a case of finding the right one! Good luck with your internet thing anyway. Will keep you updated on my scary blind date

[lou33]

can you not go out for a drink with some friends one night and practise your flirting skills, just to boost your confidence a little?

if it is any consolation, i have 4 kids, and since may i have had 3 or 4 offers from different men, and they all knew i had kids

[Fluffybubble]

Lou33 - I have dragged my only willing friend out to the pub on a friday niight and have been told that I am rubbish at flirting - she wasn't joking!!!

Have made progress on website though , may have date on sunday with someone who I went to school with (don't remember him, not sure if that's good or bad!!). He seems very nice, not sure how it will go but at least it's progress!!

Thanks for the advice .

[pebblemum]

When i seperated from ds1's dad 8yrs ago leaving me with a 1yr old to look after i hated being on my own. My mum said i would have plenty of time to find someone when DS was a lot older, I htink she was thinking about 18 but that scared me. I didnt want to be single all my life. Ok i was only 20 at the time but even though i had friends who were there for me and willing to go out now and again i wanted someone to cuddle up with, someone who would notice if i had my hair done etc, I even missed having someone to argue with. For two yrs i had absolutely no luck meeting anyone decent, they were either married, gay or thought that as i was a single mum i would obviously put out if they bought me a drink. In the end i just stopped looking and tried to enjoy my single life. And it seemed that once i had accepted that i was single and didnt need a man to make me happy, i became a man magnet. I had men chatting me up, asking me on proper dates and showing a genuine interest in me. Maybe its true what they say about giving off 'desperate vibes'. The funny thing was by this time i wasnt interested in having a relationship. Well that was until i went on a blind date that a friend had set up, 6yrs on we have just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary and DS1 has a little brother.

I know how hard it is to get back out there and meet decent people. Trust me i have the worst taste in men and if there are any weirdos or aresholes out there i probably know most of them. It is hard to meet people when you have a child especially when they are young but it will happen. In the meantime enjoy having ds all to yourself ( i hated sharing ds1 with dh at first, i was very protective of him)And when you feel down about being on your own remember all the bad bits from your marriage and ask yourself what is better, being single and not having to deal with miserable blokes or being in a relationship and having to put up with smelly feet, farting, snoring etc

[Fluffybubble]

Thanks Pebblemum! everything you said makes so much sense and I am trying so hard not to look!! I spent the first year after the split just picking up the pieces and am only just now feeling like life can be fun again...this dating thing is trickier than I remember though .

Congratulations on your relationship, it sounds like you definately deserved some luck...Am really pleased that things worked out for you - there is hope for me yet (& I definately don't miss the down sides of being married that you listed ).

Bluejelly, how was your blind date???

[bluejelly]

Blind date went okay. Was v nervous beforehand but he was sweet and chatty and we got on okay. Not sure if I fancy him though, bit short and maybe a bit serious for my liking?
Not sure if there was a spark there...
He seemed keen to meet again, am not so sure...

Anyway good experience!

[bluejelly]

He just asked me out for a second date. Not sure what to do. I feel like meeting him, but don't know if that'll lead him down the garden path (IYSWIM)

[Earlybird]

Go and enjoy yourself. Take it slowly, and you may find you do fancy him. Have fun!

[sanchpanch]

i think you should go with your gut instinct, if you dont fancy him then dont go unless you could be friends instead of lovers......
but thats just me i couldnt be with someone i didnt fancy

[bluejelly]

I agree with both of you! I think we could be friends and/or maybe he'll grow on me.
Maybe just one more date to see if I don't feel anything then will tell him straight...

[bluejelly]

I just agreed to meet again... we'll see how that one goes

[pebblemum]

Just hopped on here to see how things were going for all of you.

I think going on a 2nd date is the thing to do, you will be a bit more relaxed and may see a totally different side to him. When i met dh i almost ran out the pub. I was expecting someone the same age as me, quite good looking etc but instead i ws met by this man who looked about 30 (i was 21), he was in desperate need of a shave, he had on a hideous orange top and he had been drinking already (he had forgotten we were meeting that day and went to the pub to watch footy)My first thought was that i wanted to kill my friend, how could she have got it so wrong. Anyway it turned out dh had a great sense of humour, we had quite a bit in common and we got on really well. I couldnt say i fancied him but it wasnt a disaster, i could imagine us being friends. Anyway two days later he turned up on my doorstep, clean shaven, looking sexy (sober!)and asking me and ds1 out on a date. We have been together ever since. It just goes to prove you cant always tell from just one date. Maybe your date will turn out to be funnier/nicer than you thought, maybe he wont but at least you will have given it a chance.

[bluejelly]

Good thinking pebblemum.
To tell you the truth it wasn't what he looked so much as what he said.
I guess I just felt he was quite innocent and although I was playing demure ( in first date fashion) I somehow felt a lot older than him even though we are the same age.
But anyway we are meeting on saturday so I am giving him anotehr chance.

[pebblemum]

Well good luck for Saturday, hope it goes ok and you find out if he really worth seeing again or if your first instincts were right.

Whatever the outcome, have fun!

[bluejelly]

Thanks, will do

[sanchpanch]

yes i agree, and hopefully after the nerves of the first date have gone, things ,may be more relaxed on the 2nd date, best wishes(let us singleton's know how it goes)

[Fluffybubble]

Well done bluejelly!! Very brave .

I had a date yesterday with the person that I went to school with - didn't recognise him and he was slightly hungover so not altogether positive start!!

He was very nice and easy to talk to but there wasn't any chemistry. I probably would have seen him again anyway (just to be out somewhere!!) but he emailed today saying that he hadn't felt any spark either... he was very nice about it and I agree totally but I was still a bit miffed that he got there first . Am not quite sure that I am 100% up for the internet dating thing...it seems quite brutal, almost like going for an interview, and then you have to wait to see if you have made a good enough impression to be invited back for the second round!! Sorry, am ranting.

Anyway, I decided at lunchtime to become momentarily assertive and winged off a couple of emails to some random men...I have had one reply! Luckily for all concerned I am only registered on the site for another couple of days, then normal service may resume!

I hope that your second date goes well. Maybe he was on his best "first date" behaviour too... Re what you say about him appearing innocent, maybe he is just more "simple" (in the straightforward, honest uncomplicated sense!!) than you / us... I am beginning to think that we sometimes credit men with the same kind of though-process that we have but obviously this is what distinguishes us as the superior sex!! Does he have a child / children? This may influence his outlook on life somewhat...

Sorry for the waffle!!