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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

What is the etiquette?? DS having first overnight visit with his dad

13 replies

Fluffybubble · 30/06/2006 13:53

My DS (2 1/2) is due to spend tomorrow night with his dad for the first time. Xh left for first time when DS was 3 months old and has only been around on and off since...

We split up (finally!!) a year ago and have divorce has now come through. As it has not always been a very amicable situation my xh has not been around for the nitty-gritty parenting (dinner, bath, bed etc) and has only really had DS for 9-5 visits on his own.

As this is the first overnight visit I am wondering what the accepted approach was... I am mentally compiling a list of a million dos and don'ts for xh and know that if I actually come out with it he will just switch off!!

I will obviously send DS with favourite teddy, pj's etc etc but not sure about things like night lights and bath stuff (ducks, bath mat etc) etc, etc- I know I am being neurotic mum but am so anxious that it is not too unsettling for DS. Equally, I don't want to just provide everything for xh and do all the thinking for him (which is how our marriage worked!).

We negotiated the access through mediation and xh is supposed to be sorting practical stuff (nightlights, stairgate etc) himself. Really doubt that he will though and have now got my knickers in a twist about it!

Do I just leave them to muddle through together or do I provide everything "just in case"??

Sorry for waffle!!

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Beauregard · 30/06/2006 13:57

Haven't got personal experience but i would go with your instincts and screw him if he has got a problem with it ,when you see him present him with an a4 sized list of to do's.

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bluejelly · 30/06/2006 13:59

Do whatever you can to make it easy for your ds. Doesn't matter whether that inadvertently helps your ex.
It is in your interest and your son's interest taht it works out well.

One thing I always did with my dd was ring her to say goodnight at the usual time. Sometimes she cried but she always fell asleep very soon afterwards ( I put it down to tiredness)
And she was always fine in the morning.

Really try and enjoy your time off, sure you deserve it. Are you going to go out?

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Fluffybubble · 30/06/2006 14:06

Thanks

Yes, am off out to the pub (am driving in case need to collect him .)

Is good idea about phone call. Xh has suggested that I pop round to say good night at bedtime but have said that this will be unsettling for DS as only usually go to xh's house to collect him! (think it will also be too upsetting for me, am a coward!)

Think I will present him with a list... feel like a complete control freak, and xh makes me feel daft for worrying so much. Am not concerned that he will be unsafe at all, just want him (ds!!) to be happy.

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eefs · 30/06/2006 14:09

I would let him muddle - he will end up creating his own bedtime routine which will suit the two of them just fine, plus until that happens he will appreciate how hard it is.

Don't create a rod for your own back by doing too much, even if it is the first time. Your DS will be fine.

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BernieBear · 30/06/2006 14:13

Scary time for you FB. My ds (also 2.5) goes over night every other weekend. Whilst I don't believe that his father is quite as organised or does things along the same lines, I don't worry too much now. At first I used to provide everything (for my own piece of mind) but over time I just pack the clothes, bedtime toy and epipen bag. Just wanted to say I know how you are feeling and it does get easier as time goes on. Enjoy your night off (I still obsessively keep my mobile with me at all times!

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Snafu · 30/06/2006 14:21

I also vote for muddling through. My ds goes to sleep at his dad's every weekend - at first I found it incredibly hard to switch off and let go a bit but it's easier now.

I think they have found their own special 'Daddy and ds' routine which is fine with me - i.e. he puts ds to bed later than I would but it's not a problem!

I also used to provide everything but over the weeks have got more relaxed about it. I do make sure he takes a toy/pjs with him though, but now he has his own cup, books, toys etc at daddy's anyway. It does get easier and you end up actually quite looking forward to the odd night off!

I'll try and find the neurotic thread I started when ds first slept over - might make you feel a bit better

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Snafu · 30/06/2006 14:23

It all turned out fine in the end!

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QueenEagle · 30/06/2006 14:27

I would give dh only one or two tips that you know will help settle your ds and leave it at that. But in all honesty I think your ex will do things his own way anyway. If you were in his position how would you feel about being presented with an arm's length list of do's and dont's? However well intentioned they are?

Leave him to muddle through on the whole, let your ex find his own way. For one night a week it won't hurt.

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Fluffybubble · 30/06/2006 17:09

Thanks all .

I know that I am being neurotic and I know that he won't come to any harm... half my problem is letting go but will have to get over it!

Am definately looking forward to the lay in though, especially since ds has been getting up as early as 5.30am this week...his dad will have that pleasure .

Thanks too snafu (have read your thread, feel exactly the same!! Is nice to know I am not the only one!!)

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Surfermum · 01/07/2006 12:19

Actually I don't think you're being over-neurotic. I was like this the first time dd was away from me at my mums! And the first day she went to play school. You're bound to worry that he's going to be OK when he's away from you.

I'm a step-mum and I was really surprised the first time dsd came to stay overnight, when she was 4, that her mum didn't pass on any info to dh about dsd. He had hardly seen her for 2 years - not through choice but because the Court Order took that long to get . I expected "she won't eat this or that, this is her normal bedtime", but she said nothing. I think QE's right about not presenting a whole list of Do's and don'ts, but there's a big difference between trying to control how things are when he's with his dad - which I don't think you are trying to do for one minute - and giving a few tips that would be helpful. Dsd was absolutly fine, of course, and had a ball with her Daddy, and I'm sure yours will be too, but don't worry about worrying that's what us mums do isn't it?

I just showed this to dh too and he agreed with me that some helpful tips would have been great, but he would have reacted to "don't take her to Macdonalds" type of thing. He also said that it would have been nice to have been handed a bag of clothes and told "I got these ready just in case you didn't have any for her", rather than "this is what she'll wear" or as he got "I'm sending her with nothing".

Hope you enjoy your lie in.

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Fluffybubble · 02/07/2006 20:28

Thanks surfermum!!

Yes, all went fine... I knew I was neurotic but couldn't seem to overcome it!

I did send a "guide" of ds's normal routine, just in case but actually had panicked phone call from xh from Mothercare, where he was attempting to buy everything ds would possibly need. This was a bit late in the day (an hour before due to collect ds!!) but I really appreciated the effort.

He (xh) did have to ring me at 11pm last night to ask what ds would eat for breakfast though...!!!

I had lovely lay-in and ds woke xh at 6am .

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

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Surfermum · 02/07/2006 20:37

Glad to hear it . That's men for you isn't it, leaving things until the last minute, but like you say, at least he thought about buying things that he might need.

I think you two are going to do OK over this, if your x can ring and ask for help when he needs it and you can gently guide him when he needs it, because it's your little one that will benefit from you two being able to do this. But it sounds to me like you know that.

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Fluffybubble · 02/07/2006 20:52

Has taken a year of mediation (on & off!) to reach this stage. I am really hoping that we can put ds first.

Is easier said than done sometimes but ds loves us both and if we don't try our best we will just mess him up .

Am so angry with xh about his behaviour since ds was born (grass is always greener, xh decided he would prefer to be single after all!!) but ds is worth so much more (biased proud mum! ) so is xh's loss ultimately!!

Have to admit that it was satisfying that ds did 6am wake-up call for him though .

Thanks for your messages surfermum, v kind of you .