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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Everyone is having babies :-(

16 replies

YourHandInMyHand · 08/09/2013 11:13

Everyone is having babies and/or moving on with their lives and I am stuck on my own living ground hog day.

OP posts:

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calmingtea · 08/09/2013 18:08

I totally identify with that feeling. It is so hard, when all your dreams have been crushed. I am becoming better at enjoying the day as it is, and my children as they are, and not thinking about the past/future and what-ifs and the children/relationships/careers I 'won't' have. I guess sort of mindfulness-type thinking. As my life may be even better than I planned.

A HV pointed out to me that 1 in 3 (or was it 4) relationships are abusive, so what seems like other people getting on with their lives as an outsider is not always as rosy as it seems. That helps me a bit. And I am proud of myself. I never in a million years thought I could do it on my own, but somehow I am managing and coping just fine.

YourHandInMyHand · 08/09/2013 18:20

So thankful for your reply. Have been stewing on this all afternoon and feel rotten!

I know what you mean about relationships, mine was emotionally abusive and I left nearly 4 years ago. I started upbeat and positive but see everyone else moving on, even wanker ex has remarried!! I usually find coping a day at a time a good strategy but today I am going hour to hour. So far I have taken the dog for a walk and soaked in the bath, they haven't helped but they've gotten me closer to bedtime. :-/

I always wanted several children but didn't have more with ex as I knew after DS that the relationship was far from ideal. Now I wish I'd gone with my heart rather than my head and had another.

OP posts:

girliefriend · 08/09/2013 20:22

I know exactly how you feel, I always wanted 3 children and now don't see me having more than one

Have been to a lot of weddings this year and think will really struggle when all the babies start to appear in the next couple of years, it's just so hard sometimes.

I even dreampt (sp?) last night I had a son (I have one 7yo dd) it was weird I almost didn't want to wake up and the dream to end mind you I am having a 'feel sorry for myself' day

WithConfidence · 08/09/2013 20:25

I know exactly what you mean YourHand. In my thirties so everyone is getting married / having babies. I'm pleased for them but very jealous.

And the other day ds told me daddy said he is going to be a big brother. Last year WE were trying for another baby.

YourHandInMyHand · 08/09/2013 22:03

girliefriend I often dream I have a baby, have to say I'm relieved am not the only one who dreams like this - totally get what you mean about not wanting the dream to end when you come to.

withconfidence that's crap - your ex hasn't hung about has he! I have to say I've noticed guys seem to move on much quicker, do you think they can compartmentalise better than women?

I'm in my 30s too. Everyone is either getting married or having babies, or progressing in their jobs, and I am doing none of those things.

OP posts:

Sasquatch75 · 09/09/2013 07:08

Really feel for you. I have 3 DCs and def don't want any more but feel lucky to have had them and have one less thing to worry about. I know I'd feel the same as you if I only had the one :(

Yourhandinmyhand yes men do tend to move on quicker, but then they get to live an almost single life again don't they! My ex has 13 nights off in 14! Much easier for him to find someone else eh...

Mia2 · 09/09/2013 14:58

hey...i am in the same boat...

I always wanted 2 children and feel that my DS would benefit from having a sibling - I have such a great relationship with my own siblings and feel like that is a big part he will miss out on...

Am getting into my mid 30s and ticking clock etc...but don't want the whole living with someone again...love my freedom too much...

ProtectiveMother · 09/09/2013 21:38

Hey you lot. :-)

I managed to fit my 2 babies in before the relationship fell crashing to the floor lol.

I know I would feel exactly the same if I hadn't so I really feel for you all.

I'm 2 years single and my ex has a new girlfriend too. She's very welcome to him. It does really hurt when my kids tell me things about them. It makes my stomach feel totally sick. It's a very physical reaction. Probably due to all the years we spent together and all the recent hurt due to his many negative behaviour traits. Do please say this gets easier! And yes it's so much easier for him to get a new partner because he's twisted and desperately needs someone around like a girlfriend. I'm trying to concentrate on recovering and taking care of myself. Hell I think a new boyfriend is the very last thing I need (but sometimes think I would like!) ;-)

WithConfidence · 10/09/2013 21:50

Would you consider this quick moving on?

9 days until he started dating.
2 months until he moved in with someone else.

Some things kill me. Like when ds asks me to swing him (you know when 2 of you swing them by the arms as you walk) and I can't because there is only one of me.

I've also had the baby dreams.

YourHandInMyHand · 12/09/2013 09:23

withconfidence - yep that is quick!

Me and another single mum would often swing our kids on the walk to school. They're all too big and heavy now though. I'm master of the spin instead. grab their hands and spin them around, kids love it.

Mia - I have enjoyed the freedom of being single after being in a long emotionally abusive relationship, but now I feel ready to think about sharing my life with someone again. I'd love for DS to have a positive male role model, and as mentioned would love more children.

OP posts:

WithConfidence · 12/09/2013 21:58

Yeah he loves spins. But it makes me feel sick!

Fifi2406 · 12/09/2013 22:12

Ahh I know this feeling its heart breaking! I never ever wanted one child because I'm an only child and hated it so always thought at least two but totally single never get to meet anyone gonna be single forever and my poor boy will be an only child like I was! Feel very guilty!!! Day at a time is all you can do I think! Just know you're not alone OP and perfectly normal to feel shit

Theincidental · 12/09/2013 22:34

I'm with you too! Ds is coming up 3. Babies popping out everywhere and I don't think I'll have another. Wrong side of 30 and no social life to even meet someone.

Anyone else considering adoption? I am, but fear I won't be accepted. I so desperately want Ds to have a sibling as it's just us. His dad has never been involved and I have a very small, older family.

YourHandInMyHand · 13/09/2013 08:13

Fifi Day at a time is what I am doing here too at the moment.

Theincidental I have considered adoption, however I would need to move to a bigger house as despite DS's bedroom being massive I would need it to be 2 (no doubt tiny) separate bedrooms. If I had a child of my own this wouldn't be an issue as the bedroom honestly is big enough for 2.

I have no social life either. DS's dad has gone from being very half arsed to not bothering at all with over nights. It makes me so mad that he can just opt out of parenting completely. Our son has autism and as loveable as he is a break to go out for the evening would be nice!

OP posts:

Theincidental · 13/09/2013 12:02

Bedrooms is an issue for me too. I think they require a single room for an adoptee.

As I'm in social housing I can't see a way around that one.

I'd love just one night a month to go out or go swimming, an evening class... Something. But babysitting costs are out of the question.

It is lovely just doing things under our own steam, but so tricky to have any free time!

WithConfidence · 13/09/2013 12:02

I have thought about adoption or fostering - I'm fortunate to have enough space but having taken a look at the Adoption boards on here I don't feel comfortable doing it while ds is young. Tales of SS not discolosing or knowing about severe abuse and emotional disturbance, plus siblings of the adopted telling their experiences put me off. Once ds has left home I will look into fostering, if I'm not too old by then!

Partly I think I feel I screwed up ds' infanthood. Not so much the parenting bit (everyone is clueless with their first right?) but the situation. I was ill after the birth and then splitting up with his dad. I wish I could go back and pick a better dad for him I suppose.

YourHand How old is your ds? Mine has a question mark over autism, or he's just "quirky" - they want to see how he settles in nursery, what they think etc. It's not going great. And of course ex says it's my fault or nothing wrong with him, which he can tell by a few hours a week obviously.

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