Feel so bad for my DD - ex moving his g/f's family in

[Mybabysmellsofbiscuits]

So.... ex and I split a year ago. He was cheating on me for some time with a woman he worked with. We had just bought a house together and after a year of fighting with him and his manipulative family, I (stupidly) signed the house over to him with no financial gain on my part. This left me in a rented flat with my daughter, who lives with me 90% of the time.

The last few months have smoothed out for us a bit and I thought we were just getting to the stage when things might settle down and we could just be happy, separate parents and provide our DD with two solid loving homes - the best of a bad situation.

So, ex turns up on my doorstep to collect DD yesterday and announces he is moving the 'other woman' and her two older children in to the house we built together. Not only that, the he is moving the woman's daughter in to my DD's bedroom - the same room I spent weeks decorating for her before we moved in. I wouldn't mind so much if it was clear that this move was because they love each other and are at that stage of the relationship. But Ex has just been made redundant, so is clearly just trying to support himself financially by moving her in - saving his own arse at the detriment of my DD.

I have no emotional attachment to this idiot of a man any more. I have my own (amazing) partner now and have no feelings of jealousy that he will be living with someone else. I just feel so horrendously bad for my little girl, who will suddenly have another family living in her Dads house with him, 90% of the time, when she only visits every other weekend and one night a week.

DD is 3, I'm sure lots of you with toddlers will understand what that age is all about, how important it is for them to have their own space that they feel comfortable in. She is a sensitive little soul and I know it will be hard for her going to his house when other kids have been in her room, playing with her toys and spending time with her dad. She will feel like she's been outed in favour of this woman's children.

I really need some advice from people on how to make this as easy as possible for my little one. It's been a tricky year for her getting used to all the changes and I really don't want this to rock her any more than necessary. He hasn't got a clue how to support her emotionally and is clearly just thinking about himself... Has anyone else been through this? x

[farrowandbawl]

Oh crap.

Um...maybe you should post this in chat - there is more traffic and more people with this experience.

Sorry I couldn't have been of more help.

[TwoStepsBeyond]

Poor little darling, that does sound unfair on her and I totally understand why this has upset you so much, but I suppose having the room empty for 2 weeks at a time while the other children sleep on the sofa isn't a practical solution either.

Its always hard for children when their parent is with another family when they're not there. Having them permanently in her room must seem like a real intrusion (my DD gets upset when DP's girls stay for one night when she's not here, I dread to think how she'd react to them being here permanently without her.)

Could you have a chat with him about how they can all make her feel at home when she's there, perhaps have a part of the room that will remain hers or have her choose some toy storage/new bedding etc so that she can have a 'new' room instead of her previous one. It will probably be a bit unsettling for the other children too, so it might help them to be able to choose their own stuff for the room rather than have DD's toys and furniture.

Could she bring most of her stuff from her old room over to your place and she can then take the things she wants to play with to her dad's when she visits? It may not feel as much like her 'home' when she's there if her stuff isn't all around her, but at least then it won't feel like they are staying in 'her room' so much either.

Sorry I don't really know what to suggest, but hopefully having other DCs around will be also be fun for her when she goes to stay. I know my DCs often squabble and moan about having to share with DP's kids but they miss them when they're not here and they all love each other and call each other sisters! Regardless of the awful way this relationship started, sadly there's nothing you can do to change the fact that they are moving in, but if you can try to present it to DD in a positive light that will help her (& maybe you too) to deal with it. x

[converselover]

Sorry but you sound still too involved with you ex. He and gf probably just trying to manage sensibly given your ds only there occasioanlly. If your concern is ds care when she's there ops above posted some good ideas but at 3 yo this is not a big deal. Follow them and try to detach yourself a bit more.

[Lackedpunchesforever]

Does she sleep in that room at the minute ? He's not talking about making her move out of it though is he ? Am assuming she'll be sharing ?
I'd be tempted to do something like take her shopping (however much it sticks in your throat!) for something like a cushion each for her and the other kids, so they've all got something 'matching' Help turn it into an adventure for her, how exciting it's going to be to share a room etc. Presumably these other kids have already stayed over at her dads so she'll be used to them ebing around?

[Mybabysmellsofbiscuits]

Thanks all for your advise, it's all really valuable.

He told her today what is going on and she is not happy at all about having to share her room. I have tried to be upbeat and positive about it, and love the idea of taking her shopping for matching bits for her bedroom - she'll love that!

The new partners kids hadn't stayed over until last night and they are moving them in this weekend. Feels horribly rushed for everyone, and know it will be hard for her children as well as mine, particularly as they are pulling them out of school to accommodate the move.

I will try to stay positive and keep her feeling good about gong there. Guess it's just a case of seeing how she is over the coming weeks.

Thanks again all x

[TwoStepsBeyond]

Your DD knows that she has you as her constant and stable loving home for the other 12 days every fortnight, so a little upheaval once in a while won't affect her as much as it will affect the other kids. Your ex and his GF are probably more focussed on them, which is probably only fair, but at least your DD has you looking out for her.

She'll adjust and if she has any problems, try to make sure that you and your ex can communicate calmly and effectively about them. Even though you've moved on, it must be hard for you to see him moving OW's family into your FMH, but it will honestly be better for DD to be part of two happy loving families.

[Letsadmitit]

I shared a room with my sisters and although we had our disagreements (as we continued to do later when each of us had a room), it didn't kill us. Actually, I have better memories of the time when we were sharing a bedroom than when we didn't, and we were never the closest of friends.

Every child who is told he is going to share a room is bound not to be happy about it, be it a child of the average family or one of divorced parents. Yet, it won't be unusual for them to end up sleeping on each other's rooms because they are enjoying the company. My son has stepbrothers, and despite the usual disagreements between children, he has got a lot of positive things from having contact with these children.

Sorry for the hard words but this is not about your relationship with her dad, the house you built together or what you think about when your ex should step up his new relationship or not, or how he should use the house. This is a time to ensure that your child makes the transition as easily as she could, to reassure her on any anxieties she may have. Antagonising everyone about a bedroom is not going to be in the benefit of anyone at all.

Choose your battles well, you still have 15 years ahead of co parenting this child, and the most important thing to be able to co parent together is to keep the communication flowing, and for that sometimes you will need to just take the things as they come and trust things will be fine, because most of the times they will be.