What do I do about moving regards DS's dad?

[AmberLovesRoses]

DS is 11 months, I have been living with my parents so far, but will be moving out soon. I have enough saved to pay a large chunk outright myself, and my parents have agreed to lend me 20k, so I have arranged a viewing at a small flat.

The problem is, my dad will be retiring next April, and moving back to his hometown, which is a lovely, child friendly, very low crime/drug area, and this is where the flat is. We currently live on the outskirts of a fairly rough area, which I would have to move completely into to afford anywhere close to as cheap and the flat I'm going to view.
I definitely wouldn't want to stay living in this area, I don't think it's a nice place for DS to grow up and I would especially be worried about its influence once he's a teenager, but the place I'm wanting to move to is about 2 hours 15 mins away from DS's dad.
DS's dad currently lives 25 minutes from me, he had sporadic contact to start, and is still supervised by me due to DS getting very distressed during meet ups, and Ex loosing his temper/acting dangerously with him regularly. He sees DS 3 hours once per week, for the past 7 weeks, but he refuses any more contact as he says he doesn't have time.

I can't imagine him reacting well, he is still very controlling, where do I stand regards being able to move, and contact/travelling etc after?

[teetering13]

I know you can move .. well he can't stop you as long as it's in the same country ... as for contact, it'll still be the same 3 hours a week. Could he get to you? Maybe you could arrange one week you'll travel, the next he will?

My personal feelings though ... He sounds an arse, Just move and get on with your life ... it'll work if he wants it too

[ColourfulColour]

Any decision you make once you are split up with the other parent, ask yourself - what is in ds best interests?

So pros are nice area for him to grow up, close to supportive extended family. Cons - further away from dad. I think this would be more of a drawback if we were talking about a lot of contact with really involved parent.

I think you are expected to do most of the travelling if you move away however.

[calmingtea]

You need to think about what is best for you and your child, then her father second. If you are happy and feel safe, live near your support group, your child is being raised in a nice area with schools and family nearby that she is used to, then this will bring a lot of stability and support into both your lives. Her father is going to have to accept that he will have to put a bit more effort into seeing his child. And I have to say I really don't agree with that just because you move you do all/most of the travel. It is not necessarily in your child's best interest to be going back and forth. Her life will be centered around her new home and it is up to the NRP to put a bit of effort in to getting to the child. Within reason.

[AmyFarrahFowlerCooper]

I would move and tell him afterwards tbh. I doubt people will agree with me but we had to do that or exP would have tried to control us and prevent it happening. My family were frightened he would lose his temper and come round to the house if he knew and hurt us. For the sake of three hours supervised a week, which he can have even if you do move, I wouldn't even let it bother you. Especially when he "doesn't have time" to see your dc more often. 168 hours in a week, he sees them for 3. That's 165 hours a week of your and dc's life that would be affected by him for the sake of his 3 if you stayed. If you moved, he would only be affected for 8ish hours. That's how I weighed it up :)

[ColourfulColour]

calmingtea, I don't agree with it either necessarily, I just meant based on reading people's experience on here of court decisions when one parent moves away, it seems common that the mover is expected to travel for contact.

[AmyFarrahFowlerCooper]

I don't know, I was advised that the most that my ex could expect me to do was travel halfway and we moved 3.5 hours by train. It can affect child maintainence if you do it through CSA though. They can reduce it by a reasonable amount for travel costs if you move far away. No idea how much though because ex hasn't bothered to see dd since we moved.

[Bikelock]

as a bloke who lives a looong way from my daughter, i would unhesitatingly say that you should move to place she can be happy, secure and surrounded by people who love her and who will look after her, and where she will live in a nice environment with good schools and the danger of crime is limited.

however, the flip-side to this is you're the one who's moving awy, so you have to make contact as easy as possible. this is where the practicalities of travel grind up aginst your personal feelings: with a 4.5 hour round trip by car/train/bus, the childs father may find that the present contact times just aren't practical, things like train tables might present a problem, or, for example, if he works during the day, doing a 4.5 hour drive in the evening might not be a very safe idea. also theres the issue of the cost of travelling, which the CSA will take into consideration when determining his liability - i work out 4.5 hrs driving, four times a month at about £180-200 per month in diesel/petrol... when my daughters mother 'set the CSA on me' she discovered to her displeasure that the CSA took my travelling expences into account, and they reduced my liability to about 25% of what i had being paying by private agreement.

thats not saying don't move, its just saying that you may have to go out of your way to facilitate contact.

[teetering13]

"you may have to go out of your way to facilitate contact"

So ... carry on as you are

[kittycat68]

if thier a no court orders in place you can move if you want to. However if you dont tell him you are moving before hand a court would not look favourably on you. However if you do tell him he could apply for a prohibited steps order to stop you going! so swings and round abouts here. It is usual to meet half way but if a court thinks you delibrately moved away, and you didnt tell him before you went, you would probably have to do all the travelling.
As far as costs go, csa expect him to pay the first £10/£15 ( depending on income) per week but then all HIS costs are taken from your csa payments plus any overnight care. THERE AND BACK.
ie: £30 train fare return would mean your csa is not deducted from if this makes sense. BUT also he has to apply for the fares to csa, its not back dated either so if you dont tell him he may not know about it!!!
TBH if it was me i would just move then tell him afterwards, cos he sounds like aa arse, and deal with it afterwards!!

[SignoraStronza]

I moved abroad to escape my ex. He still managed one weekend a month. He now lives in the UK but a 4 hour drive away.

He has told the csa that it costs him £200 a month to facilitate contact for that same one weekend. He is responsible for the first £15 so they deduct £175 from the calculation. This doesn't mean deducting £175 from the actual maintenance payment. In reality, on a £40k+ gross salary, it equals a deduction of about £5 a week. So don't worry too much about that side of things.

Good luck with the move.

[SignoraStronza]

Maths fail I mean that £185 a month is deducted from the calculation!