he hit her !!

(44 Posts)
lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:10:43

my daughter and her ex have gone through a lot, basically he cheated on her when pregnant, she wont get back with him, he is totally gutted and still loves her, but has moved on, he makes everything difficult and threatens her, he hasn't bonded with his son and is indifferent to hm, but takes him for a few hours, so so he can see my daughter, he tries to ruin everything she does, I keep a book as the solicitor advised, and note all he does, last year he was punching her on the arm and she told him to stop and why was he doing it and he said, cause I can. her solicitor to get it logged with the police, she didn't want to do this as she said he will apoligise tomorrow which he did.

I said you should still get it noted for future but she didn't. Today he came to take his son to a party, and said I don't like them clothes on him, so my daughter said tough, when you buy and pay for them you can choose, he looked cute navy shorts and a navy and white t-shirt, all brand new, he said he looked lke the kid off the adams family and went upstairs throwin his clothes about and put on jeans and a sweatshirt , it was warm today and he was going to an indoor bouny ball place.

as he was leaving, they had an argument about how he wants her back and she said no way, and he punched her in the face, and walked away, yelling threats, he has texted her saying, he is going to smash her home up and each time he sees her he will hit her and if he sees her with another man he will smash their faces in aswell..

sorry this is so long, he said to her, she will be hearing from his solicitor as he wants his son each weekend and walked off, im not so worried about the smashing the house up he is always full of threats, but hitting her, I told her she must log it with the police, any advice at all ??

on his face book he said seeing my child laugh and smile is priceless, I wanted to put and smacking his mother and throwing the birthday party bag and cake round the room is that priceless, but he would just delete it'

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:15:59

Yes log it with the police. He shouldn't be allowed contact, vile scum. If you witnessed the argument and can remember what he said word for word then write it down before you forget. If your DD will let you photograph her injuries then do that too.

How is she? Is she frightened of his threats? Does she want to stop contact? Has she had medical attention?

If you can get her to phone Women's Aid (0800 2000 247) they will be able to offer specialised support. Look in the yellow pages or google to see if your local area has specialised Domestic Violence support services too - they are often easier to get through to than the national helpline (which may be engaged - do leave a message as they will ring back ASAP) and this is classed as domestic violence as they have a child together and were together in the past.

Good luck sad Horrible situation.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:16:39

If you repost on Relationships or Legal Matters as well you might get more specialised advice quickly which might be a priority at the moment.

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:22:33

Thankyou for your quick reply I will tell her.she isn't frightend of the threats, more shocked he actually hit her in the face. I wasn't there, but his friend was outside in the car and she thinks he saw him as he pushed her inside the front door, but she has a mirror on the wall, so he could have seen, but she said his friend looked shocked as her ex was yelling.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:33:09

She should/could log the threats anyway. The police will take this kind of thing very seriously especially as there is a child involved.

Definitely copy and paste the OP into a thread in Relationships, that board is very busy at this time of night and a lot of people have this board hidden if they are not LPs. It's not against MN rules or any kind of etiquette, especially as time may be of the essence.

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:40:18

I don't know how to copy and paste into another page sad

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:44:55

Highlight all the text of your OP, right-click, copy, start new thread in relationships, right-click in the text box and paste smile

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 29-Jun-13 23:45:39

Hang on don't worry - I'll do you a link smile

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:47:55

ok thankyou so much, im hopeless, my children usually do technical stuff for me, but either in bed or out smile

notanyanymore Sat 29-Jun-13 23:49:38

Don't rely on his friends backing her up, ime they were always 'looking the bother way', but def contact police and keep the texts.

lilmamma Sat 29-Jun-13 23:54:49

iam taking her in the morning, and she has got all the texts munched, as he deleted them last time, she even has one were he has admitted to hitting her.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 00:02:27

That's definitely good. That should help especially if she can log it while there is still other evidence "fresh" so to speak.

If she did go to the police now she is not tying herself into pressing charges later, if she is worried about making a decision too quickly. But if she doesn't log it then it might be more difficult for her to press charges later if she decided later to do that, if that makes sense? ie speaking to them now would give her options whereas leaving it might close options off.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 00:06:52

Oh sorry missed that you are taking her to the police in the morning. That's good. Lots of tea and sympathy for her tonight - I expect she's feeling all over the place sad

lilmamma Sun 30-Jun-13 00:08:58

I said this to her last time, she is worried they will phone him, but I said they wont, it will just be logged, hope that's right. she only turned 20 last month, so this is all a bit scary for her, but thanks again for all your help.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 00:15:16

I don't know, I'm sorry sad Women's Aid will definitely know. I would have thought as it is sensitive they wouldn't let him know but I expect they'd want to interview him? Women's Aid will be open tonight if you want to give them a call either yourself or for her to and they will definitely not ever contact him about anything.

lilmamma Sun 30-Jun-13 00:32:39

thankyou I will tell her.

calmingtea Sun 30-Jun-13 08:18:39

I think you need to advise her never to have direct contact with him. If he is using their child to see and control her, she can take that power away from him. Either you can deal with handovers at your home with her away at the other side of town, or it can be done through a contact centre. He is a violent man and controlling. There is no need to anything to go straight to her, she could block his number and change her email address. Block him on facebook. If he comes round again call the police as he has already threatened her. Definitely log all of yesterday's drama with the police asap. Take pictures of her face if there is bruising.

Purple2012 Sun 30-Jun-13 08:25:20

It will depend on where you are on what the police do. Where I am there is a policy of always arresting the offender. Google domestic abuse service. Where I am ifyou rreport it to your local domestic abuse service they will log it with police and the offender doesn't have to be arrested.

Hopefully your daughter will want him prosecuted but try to be patient if she doesn't. It often takes a long time for victims of domestic abuse to be ready to do that.

mummytime Sun 30-Jun-13 08:43:19

She definitely needs to report it to the police, and get photos etc. of any visible injuries.

She needs to stop allowing him access to her home, even when picking up his son. He has no right to come in, and regardless of the violence should be collecting from the front door end of path.

However this violence, means that he has committed child abuse by allowing his son to witness him hurting the child's mother. So all contact via a contact centre might be the way to go, at least initially.

She really needs proper legal advice.

Hissy Sun 30-Jun-13 08:51:34

She needs to go to the Dr as well, to get the injuries logged and the attack on file.

The more places this is registered, the more strength she will have legally.

Distrustinggirlnow Sun 30-Jun-13 09:46:40

Saw the link on relationships so came over to give my support to you OP and your daughter.

The fact he hit her is awful, she must of been so frightened....
The fact that he went into her house and upstairs to change the little boys clothes isn't right either though. It's not his house! Selfish, entitled twunt!

She most definitely needs to distance herself from him as best she can. WA can help with this as can the DV unit.

Show her is thread so that she knows beyond doubt that this isn't acceptable behaviour.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 10:14:24

Yes do also let her know if she wants to post everyone on here will be supportive and give her good advice. Not everyone is a middle class well off married woman in their 30s - I got fantastic advice and support here when I was 20, mumsnet doesn't judge, at least not in cases like this. I'm still here and I'm 25 now shock

lilmamma Sun 30-Jun-13 22:40:34

Thank you all so much, will show her this, we went to the police station and believe it or not the two local ones were shut, only the main one in town is open which is a few miles away, so we are going first thing tomorrow. He phoned me today and I told him it was not acceptable to be hitting her, he said he didn't, until I said I have seen the text messages he had sent her, saying he had, and he said oh it was only a slap in the face, I wanted to kill her, he has made more threats, she has kept them all, said he is going to see a solicitor on Tuesday, that he has taken photos of her fridge contents, as there is a bottle of wine, the child could get, she has bottles in the back, which he could fall on, they have been there since her party for her birthday, which were removed today, the child hasn't been in her back, since they were there, and they were stacked safely, he is looking for things that aren't there.he is going to phone the housing and say she doesn't stay there and only uses it as a party house, she has had two partys, one for her birthday and one for her sons 2nd birthday.Her home is immaculate, and the little ones bedroom is amazing, a tribute to peppa pig with a 50ft mural. he sent a message before, iam going to destroy your world, so that will be shown to the police aswell.The sad thing is, he has never shown any interest in his son at all, and admitted to me once that he hadn't bonded with him, he is only does all this because she wont take him back. his sister said he is very much like his dad who was very controlling of their mother.I will let you know what happens, and thankyou again.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 30-Jun-13 22:49:47

He sounds like a right piece of work sad sadly police will have seen it all before and they will see right through him, hope that is reassuring even though it is horrible.

Sounds like the best thing would be that his son doesn't see him at all - he sounds like a very damaged young man, such a shame, but it's not too late for your grandson. I'm glad he's got you and your DD on his side to protect him, you both sound great. It's hard being a young mum without all of this to contend with. Send her my best wishes xx

LineRunner Sun 30-Jun-13 23:54:51

Forget 'logging'.

Report this to the police. That means you phone the police. Please. The police will do their best for you. Like they did for me.

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