Anyone else having to deal with a verbally abusive spouse until the separation?

(25 Posts)
trumphy Fri 28-Jun-13 23:34:36

My partner is due to leave in a weeks time (thank goodness). I've tried to have as little to do with him as possible and that works as long as he hasn't been drinking. Unfortunately he seems to be stepping up on that front. His treatment of me has gradually got worse over the years. But even I was shocked by this weeks events. We ended up having a heated discussion about money and he didn't like it that I was questioning him (before I would have just kept quiet and tried to keep away) he got so nasty calling me horrible horrible things. Jabbing his finger in my face and pushed past me. I was so very hurt. I asked him why? Why does he always have to be so horrible to me? He said it was because I made him angry. Sorry for the rambling, but I'm feeling very alone. Just want to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of behaviour?

foolonthehill Fri 28-Jun-13 23:38:23

Yes...you will be well shot of him. but don;t expect his treatment of you to get any better. you just won;t have to live with it.

best of luck. Any chance you could go for a few nights at relatives or friiends...or he could???

trumphy Fri 28-Jun-13 23:49:39

No where to stay this week, I keep trying to stay cheerful with the knowledge that this time next week I won't be dreading hearing the key in the door. He's out tonight, goodness knows what state he will be in when he gets home, but he refuses to sleep on the sofa. He apologised today for his behaviour but I've heard it all before.

He just uses me as a punch bag to offload all his pent up frustrations. An yet all his mates think he's wonderful! I just feel a bit nervous now. Sometimes I pretend I am asleep so he will leave me alone. But he normally noisily stomps in, muttering under his breath about me, collapse into bed and breath his horrible alcohol fumes all over me. Just a few more days......What makes me sad is how upset my family would be if they knew the whole truth. He's turned into an abusive man. So very, very heart breaking. sad

foolonthehill Sat 29-Jun-13 00:02:54

so sad but at least you have seen who he is and made a good decision. The future will be better, give yourself a LOT of credit for keeping going to the other side of this rubbish and reclaiming your life

trumphy Sat 29-Jun-13 00:08:51

Thank you for your reply follonthehill. I appreciate it. smile

trumphy Sat 29-Jun-13 00:09:28

sorry foolonthehill (blush)

ColourfulColour Sat 29-Jun-13 01:19:46

Oh trumphy, can you afford a Travelodge or Premier Inn? It sounds horrible to be forced to share a bed with someone who frightens you. Please think about telling your family the truth. Call Womens Aid, they will be able to talk you through it.

He is not doing it because of what you have done. He is doing it because he believes he is better than you and should be able to do whatever he wants. Great book

trumphy Sat 29-Jun-13 11:31:27

Oh just thought I'd add, when I said punchbag I meant it in an emotional sense not a physical one! Don't want to put the wrong slant on this. He was ok when he came home last night, just went straight to sleep. I'm not making excuses for him, we are going our separate ways and that is for the best, but I think even he is disturbed by what he is turning into. Also, I don't feel frightened of him in that I think he will hurt me, but I feel very stressed and tense when I know he's been out drinking because I never know if he will be fine or a moaning, shouty drunk when he comes home. Thank goodness my kids are heavy sleepers!

SnoopyLovesYou Sat 29-Jun-13 22:19:57

Trumphy I'm worried about you too having been in this position.

For the next week, remember NOD AND AGREE. Don't get into arguments, stay out of his way.

Poor you. Remember it well. Update us :-)

trumphy Sat 29-Jun-13 23:46:19

Hi SnoopyLovesYou, thanks for the advice. I think that's what I'll do, just nod and agree. I just feel a bit nervous again as he's gone out again tonight.

I did tell my family how he spoke to me though, they were shocked, and my sister said his behaviour was abusive, but she also said the same as you, not to get into any discussion with him. I just hope that in time he will be civil and leave me alone.

foolonthehill Sat 29-Jun-13 23:55:56

flowers

Lioninthesun Sun 30-Jun-13 00:05:35

My ex drank a lot too. My best advice is don't engage. Try to walk away and ignore. He won't remember what he has said and sadly this is when they start calling you mental/liar etc. They have no idea who they become. You are doing a very brave thing and that is what you need to keep hold of. He may well get a lot worse, as my ex did, after the separation so you need to make sure you are as removed as you possibly can be so it doesn't continue once he is out. My ex turned up on the doorstep saying he had liver failure and me asking for CSA was going to force him to drink and therefore die hmm but unsurprisingly he is still alive and kicking enough to have a new g.f and attend works awards etc.
Detach as much as you can and let him wash over you - it isn't worth the angst of thinking on everything he says as it actually means nothing.

lizzie479 Sun 30-Jun-13 22:53:31

Good advice Lion. We could all do with a bit of detachment mentally. I used to get so worried about exes threats of full custody, nasty throwing toys out of the pram episodes etc. Now I feel less anxious but I think I will always wonder why he got sooo nasty?

lizzie479 Sun 30-Jun-13 22:56:23

OP your ex sounds just like mine. I too had the waving arms, jabbing finger, and push past, aswell as being called a disgrace, liar, thief etc. They really let rip when they know its over don't they? Nasty! Good luck, you will be okay and it sounds like your relationship is totally dead and buried. Don't look back love xxx

kittycat68 Wed 03-Jul-13 10:05:24

flowers and a hug op. its tough i know, i used to take the children to a caravan park for the holidays just so i wasnt in the house! stayed at a few friends too couple of nights a week. hotel now and again helps. But i did end up leaving in the end as the children were put in an awful sitation of witnessing it all and i couldnt bear it any more. However a solicitor would not reccomend this, as you loose rights to reside in the house if you leave. Maybe this is one of the reasons he has increased his aggression? Men can get very nasty its all about EGO and controll.
Hang in there as long as you can push the divorce forward as quickly as possible and good luck xx

trumphy Wed 03-Jul-13 17:53:28

Hi All, he's calmed down a bit the last couple of days. He even came home drunk again and patted me on the back saying "don't worry, I'm not a nasty drunk tonight", then started lamenting how he couldn't believe we wouldn't be together anymore. I hate that part. Almost makes me doubt myself and feel guilty. But I have to remind myself that he has pleased himself the last few years without a thought to me when I have been a sobbing wreck because of his neglect and coldness. I think I will go back to the Drs because I would still like counselling.

trumphy Wed 03-Jul-13 18:02:49

Also, kittycat68, I had been looking at caravan parks funnily enough! Ha ha, about all I can afford really, if I take the contents of my kitchen with me! I think it would be nice, the kids would love to stay in a caravan. My parents offered to go with me as well.

kittycat68 Thu 04-Jul-13 08:39:21

i used caravan parks cos i one its not as expensive and two it made it feel like a holiday for the children so it made them less aware of the conflict. sounds like your ex has tried one route, which hasnt worked( control), now is trying the other route ( poor me), if this dosent work he will revert to the nasty route again (most likely). If you are sure this is what you want try to only engage when you need to. Have you been to a solicitor for advice yet?

trumphy Thu 04-Jul-13 09:41:28

No, I haven't been to a solicitor yet. I'm not in a rush to divorce. I think once I am more settled on my own I will be able to look at things more objectively and with less emotion.

I'm going to the CAB again next week. Fill out some forms and get some more advice. I'm just trying to take each day at a time. My emotions are still all over the place. I hope that settles down soon!

If he becomes scarily aggressive call the police and have him removed. It's OK to do that. A man with form for drunken aggression needs his behaviour reporting and recording so that if it gets worse, intervention from the law will be quicker and more decisive.

trumphy Thu 04-Jul-13 19:16:27

If I don't reply for a few days it's because I don't have a computer sorted. I'm in the process of trying to find reasonably priced half decent laptop. My kids use the computer a lot as well. I feel so down tonight. After everything, we've been together years and I still care about him. This is hard. sad

trumphy Wed 28-Aug-13 23:25:38

Well, I have a laptop finally, yippee. Oh my, things have been so hard over the last few weeks. My sisters baby died, which has been horrific, so so so sad. I feel so bad for my sister and brother in law whilst trying to deal with my marriage problems. Feeling very very down at the mo.

cestlavielife Thu 29-Aug-13 23:22:59

That is really sad trumphy. sad

mimbles Sun 08-Sep-13 00:04:09

Hi trumphy
How are you? Hope things are working out? I remember, the peace I felt the day after he left. Being able to pad through the house without his verbal abuse and I just loved that. Sad to be divorced and the kids not having 2 at home parents......but it was worth it.

trumphy Mon 23-Sep-13 20:26:55

Hi Mimbles, thank you for taking the time to ask about me, that's really kind. I'm kind of ok. Functioning anyway, I just find I'm ok until the kids have gone to bed, then I have a good cry and fall asleep.

I just think that my family and I have been unfortunate to have been going through so many heart wrenching, life changing situations in the last 6 months that it's really taken it's toll on us. It's a bit of a battle everyday to not panic and keep control but I am trying.

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