I'm new here and this is my first post. I'm looking for some realistic advice from Mothers and Fathers, and I'd really appreciate the benefit of your experiences. Sorry ? this is a horribly long post but I wanted to give enough background for it all to make sense.
I am 36 years old and moved to London from Edinburgh and couple of years ago for work. I have a decent job in publishing, and am paid reasonably, though for London standards I don't earn anything near a lot of money. I have no brothers or sisters, my mum lives overseas and we are estranged. I have no contact with my father. I don't have many friends in London though I get on well with the people I work with and I have very close friends in Edinburgh.
Just over a year ago I started a relationship with someone from work. When he was 18 (he is now 33), OH had split up with his then girlfriend when she told him she was 4 months pregnant. He made a decision to 'do the right thing' and stand by her. They had a DD who is now 13. Over the years they tried to make their relationship work, but struggles with money, the demands of raising a child and the basic fact that they had be thrown together through circumstance rather than choice took its toil and the relationship broke down. He left for a period when his DD was 5 but returned because he missed her and he wanted to try to make things work. Unfortunately things remained difficult and he finally left a year and a half ago.
At first, I really just saw our relationship it as a bit of fun, and so did OH. In the beginning his ex was trying to persuade him to go back and try again. He still spent time with his DD but he was adamant with his ex that their relationship was over. What with the complications of his previous relationship I didn't think our situation had the potential to become serious but we were enjoying the time we spent together so all was fine and good.
Then four months into the relationship in August last year, I discovered I was pregnant. If I'm completely honest, I'd convinced myself that it's pretty difficult to get pregnant ? such a small window of opportunity, I had never been pregnant before, I had friends who had had difficulty conceiving etc. It was a devastating experience because I have always known I want children, but I had never expected it to be in those circumstances. OH was obviously very shaken ? he had not long been out of a very difficult relationship that had come about as a result of an unplanned pregnancy and there he was staring that possibility in the face again. Plus, we had only been together 4 months and hadn't considered it to be serious. At the time I was only employed on a temporary contractual basis with no entitlement to maternity benefits, I was renting a room in a shared flat, and OH was living at his Dad's house. The situation felt impossible. It was utterly devastating for me because my heart and my gut were telling me I wanted to pursue the pregnancy but common sense was telling it would have been madness. I made the decision to have a termination and OH was very supportive. I choose to take the pill and pass the pregnancy at home. My experience was dreadful, it was very painful, went on for hours and was extremely traumatic. OH stayed with me the whole time and was amazing. I swore blind that I'd never go through that again. The whole experience seemed to bring OH and I closer together which felt like a good thing to have come out of something so awful.
OH is extremely pragmatic, and deals with things in a very different way to me. I'm a talker (as you can probably tell from the length of this post) whereas he keeps things inside and seldom voices his feelings. He very much dealt with the termination with the attitude that 'it's over, it can't be changed, it was done for the right reasons, move on'. I, on the other hand, wasn't able to do that. To begin with I tried to share his outlook and put it out of my head. Then, over the following weeks it began to feel more difficult. I tried to talk to OH about it but he would just tell me that I couldn't think about it that way. I began to feel terrible about it and was terrified that I'd made a dreadful mistake. I'd come home from work and get straight into bed and cry my eyes out. I struggled at work. I asked OH to listen to how I was feeling and to acknowledge my need to grieve. I spoke to work who were brilliantly understanding. I spoke to friends who listened and let me feel how I was feeling. And in just being able to voice my feelings, I started to feel better about it. The panic subsided and I began to feel at peace with my decision to terminate.
OH and I have become more serious. The company I had been working for took me on as a permanent employee and I moved into a rented flat on my own, which OH unofficially (i.e. isn't on the lease) shares with me and pays towards. The relationship has its ups and downs but generally it's good and we get on well. We do have some issues. We've not been together for over a year and despite this, I am yet to meet his DD or any of his family. While I have to respect his choice as her father to decide when would be best for us to meet, it's frustrating. He has admitted that in part, the reason why we haven't met yet is because he just can't imagine the logistics ? the how, where, when ? and because he's never introduced her to a girlfriend before he just doesn't know how to deal with it. So he doesn't. He ex seems to be more accepting of the fact that their relationship is over, but there are complications around joint mortgages, childcare etc which make things impossible to establish a clean break. He sees his daughter every week which is great, but he is still feels very much responsible for his ex as well as his daughter. He has told his family very little about me beyond there's 'a woman I'm seeing'. They don't even know my name.
And last week I discovered that I'm pregnant again. We've been SO careful after the last time so it came as a massive shock. I feel so stupid. I never imagined OH would react the way he has. He's furious with both of us for being so stupid and 'arrogant'. He's furious with himself because he knew that after last time I'd never want to go through another termination. He can't go through another unwanted pregnancy and be tied to another child he doesn't want. If I choose to have the baby I'm on my own. He'll give me money and help where he can but he can't be a part of it. He'll move out because he can't come home everyday to a pregnancy he doesn't want. He'll leave the company where we both work. He's in full-blown panic mode and seems completely unable to even begin to consider how this might be affecting me.
Highlights include:
Me: it's not my fault I'm pregnant, we both did this
OH: it's your fault if we have it
I understand his fear and his panic, that he feels he has had no say in his own life, that he has been at the mercy of other people since he was a teenager and he has missed out on things because of this. He says he's just not ready for this again. His daughter is just reaching an age where he can start to think about what he might like to do with his life, and I'm putting him in a position where he's going to have to do it all over again. I keep trying to tell him that this situation is different. We're not teenagers, we're adults. We both have decent jobs with an income. He'd be doing this with me from the beginning, with an input. We've been together for over a year. But all he feels is panic, that it's impossible and that he'd be completely trapped. I've asked him if he'd come to scans, if he'd want to be there at the birth, but he can't even imagine there being scans and a birth let alone being present at them.
I'm terrified of so much I don't even know where to begin. I'm frightened that every time I feel a twinge I might miscarry, even though I know it's just my body adapting. I'm terrified of getting fat, of being sick, of there being complications. Of having to do it all alone. I'm terrified of the birth. Afterwards, the logistics of having to look after new baby on my own, with no sleep and no one to help. What about money? How will I manage on my own? How will I pay my rent? I won't be able to on my own and because I have a job my entitlement to benefits or council housing is next to zero but I don't earn enough to manage. I feel so stressed. I want to have this baby so much and yet I feel such a burden of guilt because OH feels like his life is ending. He's so adamant that he wants no part in it so I'm having to think about whether I can really so this on my own.
I don't think I can go through another termination. It broke my heart before. I'm 36 years old. I'm certain the impact would be devastating. OH insists that it would be shorter lived than having a child for the rest of my life.
I'm looking for some insight. I know it's hard having a baby and raising a child. People who I know have OHs and support are tell me it's hard, so how the hell do I do this on my own? No OH, no family, no money, and few friends?
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Pregnant and frightened – facing single parenthood and unsure what to do
AirMax1 · 11/05/2013 12:47
OMG what a nightmare for you.
You sound as though you want children, if not now, then in the future whereas he just sees children as a millstone, even the one he already has
Have you considered a life without children ever which is what he wants and will be your life if you stay with him?
I think you are worrying about the wrong thing and should be more concerned that you could spend the rest of your life with a selfish idiot. He has had no life?... Pffff what an arsehole thing to say. He has got a DD already. Is that not an incredible thing to have in his life and i'm sure he didnt give up as much as his ex wife to raise her.
If you want your baby then do not be emotionally blackmailed into terminating because your relationship is heading into the bin anyway because you will be filled with resentment and grief and at some point it will all come pouring out unless your'e 100% at ease with your decision.
You are more than capable of raising a child alone, loads of women do it. its not ideal but we do it. Look at the practical side of things for now, money, maternity leave and options of childcare and then deal with the emotional side. It might surprise you how organised and prepared you could be if you do decide to go solo
As for getting fat, meh, give it 10 years you might be fat anyway once middle age checks in for good. Theres not a lot any of us can do about the ageing process. As least you can blame your DC like i do
Hopefully someone will come along and give some real advice but i couldnt leave your post unanswered.
Goodluck x
If you want to have this baby, then have it - you'll be ok. You live in a country where there is really good support (financial, emotional, practical) for parents, you just need to go and look for it - you'd be amazed by all the people out there who are just waiting to help you. You don't need to have a partner to raise a child - they're not the be all and end all.
And you won't get fat, you'll have a beautiful bump which you'll love more than you've ever loved anything before. I did feel sick at the beginning, but I was only ever actually sick once (after eating some soup my MIL made ) and I actually didn't mind the sicky feeling - I found it reassuring that my baby was growing strong.
It might be an idea to consider a move back to Edinburgh with the wee one after your maternity leave too - it would be cheaper than London and it sounds like you we're happy there and have a good support network there.
I wish you all the very best with your decision. And also agree that it's probably best to factor your DP out of your decision, as it sounds like he is only thinking of himself and you don't need that right now. 
Firstly I would like to get this out of the way. Your dp did have control over whether he got his ex or you pregnant and his control ended when he didn't put a condom on. He is behaving abominably. It is up to you to decide if its worth saving but personally I would rather do it in my own than with a selfish brat of a grow man (I finally made that decision when dd was 10mo and still wish I'd made it sooner!)
Now more importantly, do not feel bullied into a termination.
Plenty of women manage in your circumstance and you will too.
If I was you I would leave London (well I'd never have moved there in the first place but each to their own)
If you have a support network in edinburgh come back here (guess where I live )
You can do it without a support network but it is much much harder (my mum lives in Watford, my bf in Portsmouth!)
If that's not what you want to do (after all I haven't chosen to leave edinburgh!) you can still manage, some one up thread suggested gingerbread, also citizens advice.
There are benefits that you can get as a working parent, child tax credits, working tax credits, child benefit, partial housing benefit, child care vouchers.
So calm down, put your feet up, look after yourself. Take it all a day at a time
Oh and.... Congratulations!
Can't believe he is being such an idiot 
You will be fine, if you have a termination I think you will really regret it but if you have the baby you never will.
Definately look into social housing as though you earn enough now your income will go down when you are on maternity leave etc.
I have been on my own since conception and financially its fine, babies don't need to cost a lot, you can get loads of baby stuff very cheaply second hand. Plus if you are doing it on your own I found people were very generous with baby gifts!!
So my advice is embrace the pregnancy and tell the stupid bloke to get stuffed 
Good for you!
You absolutely can do it by yourself, it won't be a walk in the park but if any ever told you parenthood would be they were lying!
And don't forget to come and tell us how the pregnancy counselling went
You sound like you really want this baby, don't let him convince you otherwise. Good luck and congratulations .
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Re your dp. All he thinks of is himself and how hard done by he is. Are you absolutely sure he isn't still with dd mum? Something doesn't hang right here.
Aside from that where's the give and take? Your feelings in this are equally important and he only has time for his own 
I'm a lone parent of two and I'm nearly 34. Wouldn't change it
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