6 yr old son sleeps in mybed

(30 Posts)
northwick Mon 06-May-13 02:14:27

It has only just occurred to me that perhaps the reason why marriage failed and i ended up having a brief interlude with another man, resulting in the ultimate demise of the relship with dad - is perhaps due to our son having always come to our bed.
Now that i am alone and feeling abandoned and often times low, sad and depressed, I am struggling to get him out and into his own room. this has not been helped by much upheavals coz we have moved so often and are due to move again in a couple of months.
thing i dont understand and would really love some clear feedbak on, is why it is purported to have such damage to him long term - some theories have been suggested - that he is taking on my needs and therefore unable to be a child and this will affect him later etc etc
also i read about sexual development going awry.

Please if anyone has know;edge, experience or evidence for this stuff, please do share with me. I am struggling to separate myself and especially struggle to be firm and consistent - so i think i need some cognitive therapy - ie a good strong argument explaining why it is detrimental to him (when he so clearly loves the closeness and the cuddles) that will lodge in my mind and enable me to stick firm with the process when I do start to work on getting him out.

of course, advice for getting him to sleep in his own bed would be much appreciated too

thank you

piratecat Fri 17-May-13 22:31:23

lone parent here. my daughter slept in with me on and off from age four till nine. went through phases of it. she needed me. when things were tough with my ex dh which was alot of the time she needed to be safe.
she is eleven now and doesn't want to and boy do i miss it.
i worried too that i wasn't being firm enough or it was doing her harm developmentally but i was wrong to worry. i think i gave her just what she needed.
they are our babiessmile

trice Fri 17-May-13 22:06:40

I have a 7 yo and an 11 yo snoring next to me right now. I love the cuddles and the closeness.

CuttedUpPear Fri 17-May-13 22:02:08

Most other cultures in the world co sleep. It has always seemed strange to me that adult partners sleep together for company but we expect our children to go and sleep alone. no wonder lots of them find it hard.

My DS crept in with me regularly until he was 12. He's 16 now and wouldn't dream of sleeping with me, though we sometimes watch Dr Who together with me in my pjs and him sitting on top of the duvet.

Don't sweat it. You sound like a lovely mum.

northwick Fri 17-May-13 21:57:53

thanks everyone - it has been great to be reassured that i am not weird or perverse and that it wont necessarily damage him.
I like the part about making completely sure that he wants to do it and isnt doing it for me somehow - and actually this week we managed two nights in a row - all night long, with him alone. by last night he needed to come back, but i think thats ok, slowly does it ( i did feel that i had given in - but equally i was frazzled and didnt have it in me to make him try again), so lets hope i can just continue positively going forward like this. and yes, sometimes its divine and he certainly wont be there forever, so i should also cherish it.

plus probably NOT discuss it with others too much!

FannyBazaar Tue 14-May-13 20:47:20

Spanish Paediatrician Carlos Gonzales talks a lot of co-sleeping and how it should not affect a relationship with your partner. He gives examples of relationships in the animal kingdom. I heard him talk last year, really fascinating. Check out his book www.amazon.co.uk/Kiss-Me-Raise-Your-Children/dp/1780660103, I'll confess I haven't actually read it yet though blush.

PintandChips Tue 14-May-13 17:27:18

Enjoy it while you can (as long as you can get decent sleep). my ds (6) always prefers to sleep with me, and if he goes to bed in his own bed then he'll climb in with me when he wakes up at whatever time. i figure that he will grow out of it in his own time. i slept with my mum whenever i could until i was about 12, then i just didn't want to anymore.

the only thing you might want to consider is that when you get a serious partner that you want to share your bed with, your DS will need time to adjust to that, so ideally will have been sleeping in his own bed for a good while so as not so feel usurped by the new man.

LadyBoubou Sun 12-May-13 13:12:46

I once read that children really need ( for their l/term emotional development) a lot of physical cuddles/ strokes. I didn't have that as a child and am aware of the effect on me later as an adult so I have always given my DD loads...she sleeps with me sometimes (single parent) and falls asleep holding my hand, while I'm stroking her. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world. I say just enjoy !

RooneyMara Sun 12-May-13 11:21:05

I had to oust ds2 (who is nearly 6) from my bed a few months ago when ds3 arrived.

Now I co sleep with ds3, and ds2 has a single bed right next to my double, which makes it rather a 'room of bed' and you have to climb over it to get to mine but still, he is perfectly happy and it's a gradual transition.

Ds1 still asks to sleep in my room some nights. He is nearly 10 though, it's just fear/insecurity, nothing odd about it, but I often have to say no as it makes for NO sleep for anyone, he is too big!

NotaDisneyMum Sun 12-May-13 10:59:54

My DSS (9) still co sleeps with his mum regularly - and he expects to be able to do the same with DP and I when he's here; which I'm not comfortable with at all.

It leads to a lot of disturbed nights during contact - which I'm not sure is good for him either?

StealthOfficialCrispTester Sat 11-May-13 23:17:21

I could never do this, my DCs wriggle, kick and break wind smile If that isn't an issue for you I don't see the problem.

NannyPlumIsMyMum Sat 11-May-13 23:10:54

Another co- sharer here.smile

I have given up worrying about it.
I think life expects so much of children and we as parents are frazzled with the pace of life.

I think that the time during co sleep can be really healing for everybody. It's like connecting time out of the craziness of busy lives.

worley Sat 11-May-13 23:09:30

im a lone parent whos 6yr old ds shares my bed. he goes to sleep fine by himself in my bed and sleeps through. he went through a phase of going to sleep in his own bed but would wake in night and cry and come through. ive suggested he sleeps in his room again and he had agreed until it came to bedtime and he couldn't do it. he decided to get in my bed again, so now hes come up with the idea that when hes 7 he will sleep in his bed again (in june) wether it will happen i dont know.
i think it is a security thing. he told me thursday he is scared of two things, 1- i will run out of money for food (i reassured him this wont happen! Financially i am able to support us all well) 2 - i will leave him like daddy did ( i have promised and promised him i will never leave him. i have to go to work but i always come back.
so i think reason 2 is the underlying issue of why he sleeps in my bed.
i have a kingsize and he sleeps through so not really an issue to me.

chocolatespiders Sat 11-May-13 22:55:46

Another one who shares with her 9 year old. It is me sleeping in her bedroom though as I don't have a bedroom. I am hoping it will be okay until she is 12/13 ish.

ohmeohmyforgotlogin Fri 10-May-13 19:29:03

Mine is 7 and regularly in my bed night. I don't think you ar doing himany harm though obviously it needs to be reconsidered if you enter a relationship. I tell dd not to come in if her dad is at home, she ignores me and I end up I her bed. Se is now sleeping in her bed all night more since we got a cat that she doesn't want in her room so is closing her bedroom door.

bollockstoit Fri 10-May-13 18:53:09

I tried the taking the bull by the horns approach for about 3 weeks and still got nowhere. I think I have an exceptionally stubborn child though tbh.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Fri 10-May-13 18:04:34

After ex-dh and I split up when my son was 4, he spent about 18 months sleeping in my bed. I finally decided that it had to stop. I decided to talk to him about it and why it had to stop over the course of a week or so. I then took the plunge and put him in his bed. He screamed nearly all night for the first couple of nights but by about the fourth night he was fine and slept all night. Just take the bull by the horns and do it.

FreckledLeopard Fri 10-May-13 12:01:38

I've been lurking on this thread, wondering whether to post or not. DD sleeps in my bed. She's 12! I am a lone parent. Her friend, also 12, sleeps with her mother (a lone parent).

I sleep fine, DD sleeps fine. It's not an issue for us. At some stage I wouldn't mind having a bed to myself but I really don't see it's an issue.

paneer Fri 10-May-13 11:57:11

I agree, so long as it's his choice to sleep in your room and you are not getting him to sleep in your room for your own comfort I wouldn't worry.

I slept in my mum's bed until I was about 10 (she was a lone parent).

My 5yo DD has been sleeping in my bed. My rule was she started the night in her own bed, if she woke in the night and I was in bed she could come in. I didn't mind her sleeping in my bed, but at the same time I wanted to encourage her to sleep in her own.

Last Thursday she decided she was now ready to sleep in her own bed. She comes in my bed in the morning when she wakes, but that's it now. I kind of miss her, but really proud that she is happy enough to sleep alone.

redskynight Wed 08-May-13 12:23:12

As long as it is solely his choice to be in your room, and you gently encourage him to try sleeping in his own room so he knows he has the choice, I don't see how is can cause problems.

BabiesAreLikeBuses Tue 07-May-13 22:55:01

Like the advice about whose benefit it is for, sounds like with moves etc you have a lot of change and it may make him feel more secure, in other cultures all the family sleep in one room without it causing deviancy so i don't buy that theory!

Trying2bMindful Tue 07-May-13 22:38:46

2 of my 3 brothers spent many nights in my parents bed until they were much older than your DS. They are now married and my parents are still too.
Don't worry about your DS. He will sleep in his own bed when he is ready. With all this upheaval he just needs to be close to you. You are his secure safe place. Let him be. In a few years time he will be out all night & you will wonder why you worried about this stage!!

Hi, there is a thread I started in classics about co-sleeping. It has some very good advice from other MN's.

My daughter is nearly six and has only just gone back in her own room in the last two weeks. Previously she had slept with me for years I like it so wasn't in a rush to get her out wink

But, I wasn't sleeping well with her in there, so I moved her to my bigger bedroom, redecorated, let her choose the colour etc and she has not been back in bed with me for two weeks now.

The first two nights were hard I'll admit, crying etc. But if it had been very traumatic I think I would probably of let her get back in with me blush

But, if your happy with him sleeping in your bed, and he is happy leave things be, if not then maybe change a few things in his bedroom, new duvet, pictures, curtains or similar, make it a big adventure and a big fuss and stick to your guns!

gettingeasiernow Tue 07-May-13 21:57:26

My ds still likes to co-sleep and he's 10, although he very rarely gets to because I wouldn't get a wink. I suspect it does more harm to leave those needs unmet than to meet them. Be careful that he doesn't feel he's doing it for your benefit, but if he just can't settle on his own, go with the flow and eventually he will.
Mine finally broke the habit by having friends over for sleepovers when he was 7 - try that?
I think it gets so much bad press because it's bad for any marriage, but if you're single, just do whatever it takes to get decent sleep, no?

cuteboots Tue 07-May-13 17:36:53

I have a similar thing going on with my 9 year old son. So its good to get some feedback on this one. Most nights he sneaks in leaving me clinging to the edge of the mattress and coming into work looking like I need more sleep ; 0 )

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