how to deal with 8 year old saying they want to live with NRP

[ozzywiz]

As a bit of background, im RP to 5 kids, 4 girls and one boy. got residency and been on my own for 3 years. the rp is very controling and always putting things into the childrens minds etc . .

Anyways 8 year old daughter came back from lone contact today at 7 and kept going on that she wanted to move in with NRP . . its one of them situations your not prepared for and how to deal with it, feel like contacting the NRP and having a go and asking what they been saying but guess thats not the best aproach. . any advise plzz.

[almostanotherday]

Tell them never ever that right now is not a good time due to school/clubs but perhaps when they are older/in the next year at school you can talk about it again.

[ozzywiz]

Is it really that easy to brush it off and has anyone else had this, just kinda knocked me for 6 cause never had this before and the reasoning behind it is that NRP gave daughter 4 pound spends today when she had 3 years of getting nothing, manipulation doesnt come close. .

[almostanotherday]

It's worth a try, how about but you will have to change schools, loose your friends etc?

[paneer]

Hope you are OK, this must be so shite.

At 8yo they cannot make these decision and I would say to her she isn't old enough to make decisions like this and ask her why she feels like this. (Dont know what you back story is, but whatever, try not to rise to his bate).
Hope that helps, my dd is a lot younger and xp actually said to me once 'what if she says's she want to live with me' so I have been thinking about it.

[chitofftheshovel]

Ozzy, don't worry too much about it, easier said than done I know. The children go to NRP's place, have a great time, no responsibilities, no chiding with getting homework done, chores done, clubs to go to and think that that would be what it is like to live there all the time. I can see how that would be appealing to an 8-year-old.

My own nearly 8-year-old has said similar things in the past. I try to respond with 'that is for me and xxxx to talk about' and get on with something else.

My step-mum actually sent, or allowed depending on the perspective, her two boys to live with their twat of a dad because they idolised him and they found out what he was like first hand but no one involved can say it worked out too well (the boys certainly didn't have a great time of it).

Not really any helpful advice, but I don't really think she knows what she is saying or the consequences if it were taking seriously.

[chitofftheshovel]

*taken not taking

[Spero]

An 8 year old is too young to make final decisions, but old enough to be listened to and taken seriously.

It could just be manipulation, trying to get a rise out of you... a thousand reasons.

But I don't think you should brush it off or try scare tactics. Sit down and have a conversation. Maybe suggest a trial period. But if it does involve changing schools etc she needs to understand its a big thing.

If it is manipulation/trying to wind you up then a calm approach is best.

I know it is difficult - my 8 year old daughter went through a phase of saying she wanted to live with her dad whenever I told her off. I would reply, ok then, lets phone him and talk about it. Surprisingly she quickly changed the subject....

[ivykaty44]

ozzy - I would think 90% of dc in this situation do it anyway - with or without manipulation. In some children it is there own manipulation to see what the reaction from the RP will be - will they be happy to see me go, will they not show any emotion or will they be sad to see me go and want to keep me home etc.

I wouldn't over think it and as others have said brush it off and let them know there place is with you and until they are much older around 12 they can't choose for themselves.

Please don't take it to heart though

[ozzywiz]

Thanks heaps for all your advise, just allready been through 2 years of court and cafcass etc and a year ago was granted full residence. just dont want all this starting again for the kids sake. anyways had a good chat with daughter and she said if she goes live there she will get to keep one of the kittens at nrp . . .she is happy now so will just leave it and see how it goes.

[HHH3]

My 8 year old DS does this regularly. Last week he wanted to live here all the time (he lives with me and his dad 50/50). Today he says he much prefers to be at his dad's. I always listen and ask why but never give an opinion on it. Kids are fickle at the best of times xx

[ohtobecleo]

My (now 11 year old) DS did this when he was 7. I knew he was being manipulated by my ex and point blank said no (to ex). I told DS that he was too young to be making those kind of life-changing decisions (his dad lives 2 hours away) and that if he still wanted to when he was a little older I'd be happy to talk about it. 6 months later he told me that he was glad I'd said no because he no longer wanted to.

I'm sure it's just a phase.