Hello,
I have not been on here for years, but received alot of useful advice and support when trying to end my 15 year relationship with emotionally/verbally abusive Ex partner, whom I have 2 boys with age 6 and 12.
2 years on and I have moved on with my life and all I went through is now becoming a distant and less painful memory, that is until the boys have contact with him and then it all rears it's ugly head again.
The arrangement we have (at his request) is for him to see the boys Wednesday evenings and alternate weekend for Friday after school until Sundays at 7pm.
The problem is that most contact results in him being horrid/abusive with one or the other of the boys and them being left upset.
Typical examples are: Calling our 12 year old gay all over Christmas and constantly criticising his hair appearance ect, until he was left in tears.
In February after he upset our 6 year old by threatening to leave him alone in a room and then called him a baby for crying about it, this was because my son said he didn't feel like going to watch a football match. Following this he stormed off taking the eldest and left the youngest at home. When he returned my eldest son there was an altercation, as I wanted to close the door on his shouting, so he booted the door and hurt my hand before calling me a retard.
As this was an ongoing problem I took legal advice and my solicitor wrote to him advising him to address his behaviour or risk no contact.
There has been little contact since then for numerous reasons, mostly due to his social arrangements. Therefore this weekend was the first substantial contact with both boys in a month. It started with him protesting about the weather, therefore I walked through the snow and delivered the boys to him. He then went on to protest about me sending my eldest as he had a cough, this was followed by my eldest calling and texting saying that his Dad thought it best to come back home, so that he wasn't keeping his brother awake all night. I advised my eldest he was with his Dad for the first time in a month and therefore his Dad needed to look after him until it was time to come home. Things quietened down then, but obviously I was left feeling worried that my eldest was getting grief about having a cough.
The boys returned at 7ish with their Dad ranting about my eldests behaviour and saying that he needed to tow the line or not come down etc. I reminded him that he couldnt have one child and not the other and that he needed to be able to parent through good times as well as bad and then he started yelling and it turned into the usual argument about how badly behaved he thinks the kids are. My eldest later told me it started as he had forgotten to close the lounge door behind him, then didn't put a cup away, so he got yelled at, went upstairs to get away and got yelled at even more.
My problem is I feel torn as despite the upsets with their Dad the boys want to seeing him. It's killing me seeing them being treat so badly and exhausting keep trying to pick up the pieces, as there seems to be an incident at every contact weekend. However stopping contact would be equally as devastating and destructive for them. My eldest was in bits earlier as his Dad had told him that if he told me there had been an upset, I would stop contact and it is not what he wants.
Has anyone been an a similar situation and found a way forward? Or do I resign myself to the fact that there is no way forward and just keep trying to piece them back together after contacts?
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Lone parents
Constant upset for children on contact weekends
Trinab75 · 24/03/2013 22:53
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