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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Passive smoking at MIL where DP insists on contact

21 replies

ilovehugs · 17/03/2013 12:41

Well am early days into the breakup of a 14 year relationship with two kids aged 5 and 7.

Horrific arguments with DP this morning. Now something new and hideous to deal with as if there isn't enough already...

DP want contact every other weekend, which I am fine with.

But, he is staying with him mum who is a chain smoker. My chest hurts after about an hour in that house let alone over night and I am an adult.

DP is adamanet that he wants contact at MIL's house where he is staying.

I have offered to get out of this house for the whole weekend when he has contact so it can take please here and avoid them being exposed to all the smoke, but has has refused.

Should I let this one go or refuse him contact until he finds a place? That will make the situation explode though.

A big part of the arguments leading up to this what that he refuses to take an equal share of time off work when the kids are poorly. What happens if they end up getting coughs evey other weekend and missing time off school which I will have to cover by missing work. I have a precious term time only job which is the saving grace of this situation.

What should I do!!!

OP posts:

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xigris · 17/03/2013 12:54

Sorry - I'm literally about to run out of the door as soon as DS3 decides to finish swinging off my norks... Didn't want to read and run. I totally agree with you about the passive smoking. For me that would be a flat no. I think you've been very reasonable and accommodating in offering your house for your your exDp to stay with the children. Have you thought of printing some info off the DoH website about the perils of passive smoking in children? Maybe some impartial, scientific stuff would make him realise that his children shouldn't be subjected to the health risks of second hand smoke. Best of luck!

Squiglettsmummy2bx · 17/03/2013 12:58

I agree with pp, you are being more than helpful by offering to leave the house for him & it is for the sake of your childrens health so it wouldn't be up for compromise in my opinion. Good luck

ilovehugs · 17/03/2013 13:57

Just text him and told him that it will end up with us in mediation as I wont agree to it.

OP posts:

ilovehugs · 17/03/2013 13:58

Frankly, it's f* disgusting of him to even think about exposing his kids to all that smoke.

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/03/2013 14:05

Yanbu. And you have offered to vacate your house and he still won't agree. Perhaps he sees his mum as s built in baby sitter and can't hack idea of having them alone???

Please don't cave , it's not good for the children end of and I certainly wouldn't agree either as dd is asthmatic. Stick to ur guns!!!

ilovehugs · 17/03/2013 14:08

He's just text me back saying there's no way he will have contact over here and that I just have to accept it. What if I refuse to hand them over? What happens next? Mediation?

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/03/2013 14:15

Maybe you could get a free consultation with a solicitor do you can arm yourself should it go further. Some will do half an hour free over phone or something.

There may be a way to get medical back up that his request is unreasonable and to show you have made fair attempt to rectify the situation with regards to contact.

Fleecyslippers · 17/03/2013 16:48

My eldest DD told the judge (via ss) that she hated ex mil smoking. MIL is no longer allowed unsupervised contact with the children and Ex has to enforce her not smoking in front of them. Don't let these people bully you and put your childrens health at risk.

HeySoulSister · 17/03/2013 16:58

Why will they develop a cough tho? Are they asthmatic?

In my mind yanbu..... BUT if it goes to court he could 'win' as I've seen it many times. Can you afford court costs to fight it? Mediation isn't legally binding.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/03/2013 17:01

Asthmatic or not the prolonged exposure could still irritate the airways causing wheezing and lead to asthma hey Not worth risk. :(

Keep all text messages and don't give in. You haven't said he can't see them merely stated he sees them in an environment deemed safe.

ivykaty44 · 17/03/2013 17:13

you don't just have to accept it, like you wouldn't accept a lot of others things that would put your dc health at danger.

He will have to accept that you are not going to roll over and say yes - so write him a letter stating that he will not be allowed to take the dc to the MIl house due to her chain smoking.

Post the letter with signed to receive.

Then it will be up to him to decide whether to take the matter further - if he wants to go to mediation or court let him do the work, let him seek legal advice. Don't rush around after him going to see a solicitor yet about this.

ivykaty44 · 17/03/2013 17:16

heysoul this lists the risk to children

MortifiedAdams · 17/03/2013 17:17

"DP wants contact every other weekend"....is that all? So sad. I wouldnt agree to them.going to the MILs either.

expatinscotland · 17/03/2013 17:17

I'd take it to court.

HeySoulSister · 17/03/2013 18:22

I'm aware of the passive smoking risks

I'm also aware of how the courts operate.

ivykaty44 · 17/03/2013 18:35

it takes a while to get it to court though and men are slow at getting these things sorted - all that time is time not passive smoking.

lizzie479 · 17/03/2013 20:10

Hi I have the same problem. My children see their dad at his parents as that is where he is living. They all smoke and his parents chain smoke. They don't (or tell me they don't) smoke around them. But they do smoke a lot in the house and sometimes when we were still together I would arrive and be feeling sick from the amount of smoke in the living room. My kids frequently cough in the night after they have been there. I have brought it up with ex who just dismisses it with a wave of the hand. It is third hand smoke as I believe them not smoking directly around the kids but they smoke so much normally and are constantly popping out for fags when the kids are there (from memory) that the kids are still affected. I'm not sure what to do as I enjoy the free time (but not at the expense of the childrens health) and have brought the matter up at mediation. Kids love seeing their grandparents and they are good to them in every other way. I have just thought of limiting contact but it's a shame for everybody then...watch this space.

ilovehugs · 17/03/2013 21:32

Thanks for your posts. I ended up pleading with DP, who having calmed down has said that he won't have them over night for the next few weekends at least. He is still having lots of contact in the week which I am happy to let him have. They came back today stinking of fags and DD (5) said gran did all her smoking in the kitchen, but then we ate our dinner in there. Yuck. I find this situation INSANE. What's so hard about smoking out of a window, just while your gran kids are around. It's not so much to ask. Is it?

You sound like you're in the same boat lizzie479. Do they have over night contact there?

OP posts:

Misfit13 · 18/03/2013 11:51

Hi,
Just a word of warning.
My ex is a very heavy smoker and this is one of the main reasons we never lived together. When DS was 13 months old he walked away from my house in the early hours as I would not let him smoke, even in the living room while we were upstairs in bed. This precipitated the end of the relatonship and a 16 month court case. Duriing the case, a social worker carried out an assessment and submitted a report dismissing my concerns and recommending that contact be increased from 2 afternoons to overnights! My ex lives in a flat and smokes in every room except his other son's bedroom, but the doors are open and he wakes up to smoke. SS are not concerned about his other son living/sleeping in a cloud of smoke and actually recommended putting our now 3 year old in to that environment!

lizzie479 · 18/03/2013 13:34

Hi Op yes they stay over once a month for one night and I can ALWAYS guarantee that they then come home with a hacking cough. I cannot believe what misfit said???? I know it is obviously true for her but everyone knows the risks of passive smoking! I would suggest every time they have a cough taking them to the dr and saying what you think the cause is. Also have a word with your health visitor. Good luck x

Misfit13 · 18/03/2013 14:27

It does sound unbelievable, doesn't it? I assumed 'the authorities' would be with me on this! I had no previous experience of the courts/ CAFCASS/SS etc, and was repeatedly shocked by things they considered ok. My ex admitted very early on that he smokes cannabis. So the SS recommendation was made with that knowledge!
I don't mean to scaremonger, BTW, or to make this all about me, but to share my experience of not receiving the backing I expected re the smoking thing.
(just want to add that my ex did not get overnights as he withdrew his application 10 minutes in to the final hearing - and that CAFCASS were very good in my case)
I really hope I haven't worried anyone.

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