Stressing about dd's first holiday with stbxh

[duffybeatmetoit]

Been separated for 6 mths. Stbxh has arranged 2 week camping trip in summer with dd (5). In theory FIL is also going. Stbxh has taken her once before on a weekend trip which seemed to be ok but he told me he had left another couple with two very young children in a campervan keeping an eye on her in the tent while he went to have a few beers. When I and others took issue with this he suddenly changed the story and said he'd been sat outside the tent the whole time.

When we were still married he used to take dd on his dates with the OW to provide cover for the affair. I don't know what she witnessed and as she hasn't talked about it I have left well alone.

Stbxh also sleeps for extended periods in the day so there could be times when dd is unsupervised iif FIL isn't on the trip. I have been told that there is a new woman on the scene with a child the same age but that she doesn't have custody of.

If I raise any concerns about the plans I just get told that he would never hurt her. I can't trust anything he tells me and I'm getting very stressed at the prospect.

I know I have to let him have her and do things his way, but I'm having big problems balancing that with worrying about putting her in a situation where she could well be neglected and at risk.

Any suggestions for dealing with this?

[ItsRainingOutside]

I can empathise with you on this. My dd and I were stuck together like superglue until she was 6 years old when exP persuaded her to go to the USA with him for a month over the summer. I was distraught, particularly as he'd never expressed any interest in her prior to this and to leave me on my own without her for a month was unthinkable.

As it turns out, she's gone with him happily every year since and she's now 12. I don't like the fact that he leaves her on her own with relatives, lets her ride in cars with cousins who are still teenagers themselves (15 is the driving age in USA), leaves her with the current woman in his life for long periods of time - it's a different woman each visit.

However, there isn't really any option but to trust that he will look after her with the same consideration as I do. We are in touch constantly via Skype and any hint of putting dd in inappropriate situation would result in my booking a flight and bringing her home.

My advice would be to let him have his time with her and when she's older, she'll make her own mind up whether she wants to spend time with him. Good luck!

[cestlavielife]

if you happily let her go to see him unsupervised and on overnights then there is no reason why she should not go on holiday ...you have to reign in your anxiety in the absence of concrete welfare issues.

just teach her a few basic safety things which she should know anyway - like who to go to if she scared/unsure/lost (eg campsite office if there is one etc)

[duffybeatmetoit]

His access visits are normally at my house so that when he is sleeping she still has access to her toys, food & drink etc. On a normal weekend he would generally sleep most of Sat afternoon and all morning Sun despite only seeing dd every few weeks. If she goes to see him for a week she stays with the inlaws.

She knows her address and my phone number but wouldn't know what constituted a campsite office and he wouldn't show her. He doesn't think through the consequences of his actions or the potential issues.

I have no faith in his ability to look after her properly as I know he forgets her medication and only thinks about food when he's hungry.

It feels like concrete evidence will only be obtained if she comes to harm to the extent that he can't cover it up by which time it is too late.

It'sraining - that sounds so much like what stbxh would do. How did you keep from worrying yourself to death about the situations she was in before she was old enough to be able to deal with it?

[cestlavielife]

Ah. In that case then stipulate that she only goes if another adult you know and trust goes eg if fil goes and talk to fil about it.
If there is no court order saying she should go then you don't have to send her.

Is the medication for life threatening issue like diabetes 1 or less so ?
Why does ex sleep so much !! ??

[duffybeatmetoit]

C'est - not taking the meds wouldn't be life threatening but would have longterm consequences which couldn't be reversed. He suffers from sleep apnoea and his family say that he is lazy. I think the excessive sleeping is a combination of the two. The sleep disorder is worse when he is stressed.

There's no court order but I am just starting divorce proceedings so things are at a delicate stage

[cestlavielife]

if he has a documented medical condition which makes him sleep in day and means he cannot be fully responsible for his child when in his care then i think you should make it a condition of contact that another responsible adult is around. dd is too young to be responsible for herself. but you would need proper medical diagnosis and medical reports. you need to make sure your solicitor ifs fully aware of this condition. so contact can be dependent on IL being around or other responsible adult... eg if he was a childminder/teacher/nursery worker it would be important consideration and measures would have to be put in place to cover when he has to sleep... when she older - fine but now she is too young to be left alone while he sleeps...

[cestlavielife]

also make sure dd medical condition is documented. that you not against contact but given his and her medical issues it needs to be safe

[FireOverBabylon]

Seperate to all this, is your stbxh receiving treatment for the sleep apnoea? If he isn't, I think he has to stop driving. That would presumably prevent him from taking her camping....

[duffybeatmetoit]

Thanks for that. He had to go to a sleep clinic when he was younger and I did bring it up about 2 yrs ago when I went with him to see the gp about his sleeping. He was prescribed sleeping tablets to get into a better routine but he didn't get immediate results and abandoned them and wouldn't go back.