is he being unfair, or an I?

[IneedAgoldenNickname]

Just thought I'd ask you wise mumsnetters if my ex is being unfair, or if I just think he is as I'm involved iyswim.

Xp and I split up in May, in August he wanted me to go on holiday with him and the boys (8 and 6) and even suggested we could 'give it another go' (we'd previously split in 09, and had been trying again before deciding we are too different now, and want different things)

Then in September he meet his new partner. They were engaged a month later, and pregnant by Christmas. I'll admit I'm finding this hard, as one of our differences was that he didn't want more children and I did.

He moved in with her within a couple of weeks, and started having the boys for overnight visits straight away. I wasn't happy about this, as I think it was all too soon, and that children shouldn't be introduced to new partners that quickly.

Anyway, he had now stopped having them overnight, as she has morning sickness so they can't be there. She has 2 children though, who obviously are there. I just feel like my children are not as important as hers,and that it's not fair on them. Plus it's her that's sick, not him. Also if I were to meet a man with children I can't imagine saying they can't visit!

But, on the other hand, I've suffered with sickness and it's horrible, so maybe I'm being unfair?

I hope this all makes sense and that someone can help ease my feelings.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I can understand why you feel this isn't fair. It is possible that things will eventually get better a few months after she has had the baby. You could try talking to him about it, maybe you have already? I think it becomes very difficult...in my case, I got divorced because he was a Knob, and he hasn't got any better now he is with someone else who also has a family...Predictable, but frustrating.

[Fleecyslippers]

You are so not being unfair. I can't believe that people can be so unbelievably selfish. Your poor kids are the ones who will be most confused and don't these idiots think about the long term implications of their actions ? In a few months time they'll be bleating about the kids not wanting to go.
I really don't know what to suggest though. Ex and OW are a nightmare and everything related to my children is court ordered.
Do you feel able to send him a very reasonably worded email to explain how unreasonable he is being?

[IneedAgoldenNickname]

Thanks for your replies, I didn't thinking was being unfair, but sometimes I Weider if I'm just letting my own feelings get on the way.

I don't think I will be able to speak to him about it, he can barely say hello civilly, and refuses to give me his email address so that's a no go too.

I'll give it a couple of weeks, and if the boys mention it, then I'll have to bite the bullet and speak to him!

[IneedAgoldenNickname]

They asked me when they were going for a sleepover at daddies again so I text him by no reply.

Then when they came home from his on Sunday DS1 said "Daddy said we can't have a sleepover because the baby is making gf sick and it's worse at night"

But he was very subdued for the rest of the evening :(

[IneedAgoldenNickname]

She's past the 12 weeks I think, due in August, but I had ms for the whole 9 months with both of mine!

[Fleecyslippers]

It's deeply unfair - how nice to be able to opt out of being a parent when it doesn't suit

I think he needs to know that it's affecting the kids or else it has the potential to get worse when she starts moaning about some other pregnancy related condition and then has a sleepless newborn to deal with.

If he refuses to have the basic decency to reply to a text, given the sensitivities of the situation then i really would suggest getting some mediation sorted.

[IneedAgoldenNickname]

I've tried to arrange mediation before, just refuses to turn up!

Should I ask the kids how they feel about it? Or wait and see if they speak to me? They didn't say they were upset, but like I said DS1 (who is very sensitive anyway) was quite subdued last night :(

I'm just finding it all so hard to deal with, and can't believe I once would have done anything for this excuse of a man :( I was so stupid!

[MrsTomHardy]

What an arse he is!

Not a lot you can do really, you can't make him have his dc's but just remember when all this is over with and he suddenly wants to play happy families again then I would tell him to jog on!!

Your poor dc's!! Some women are unbelievable!!!

[Fleecyslippers]

You are not stupid sweetheart. You are not stupid and like so many of us here, you are dealing with an arse of a man who is behaving really badly towards you and his babies.
I would try and talk to them yes. I know when my arsey Ex or OW pull another stunt, my kids all react quite differently and I've learned how to deal with anger, tears,withdrawal, bed wetting, refusal to go to school etc.

And you are also hurting. And it's okay to hurt. You are human

[IneedAgoldenNickname]

Thanks fleecy, such kind words (they made me cry but that's ok) I'm so glad I have this place as an outlet for how I feel, is so much easier than talking to people in real life!

Thanks all of you!

[Fleecyslippers]

I know exactly how you are feeling - Exs OW has just had a baby. After him deciding that 'WE' definately weren't having another. But that's a whole other thread!
As long as your wee ones have the stability and security of a mummy who always put them first that's the main thing.