Feel like I am not doing enough, need a bit of a rant

[angelelle]

So as I have posted here before I have been single since pregnancy. DD is now 3.5 months and this week I moved back into my flat from my mums and am now on my own again back in the same town where her dad lives (who has not yet seen her). Both me and dd have colds and this morning I did the DNA test on us (at her fathers request) which made me feel like shit and wondering what my life had become. Her dad knows we are back and actually sent me a text saying he couldn't wait to see her but has actually not asked to set a date to see her....like hello!!!!

So just had to get that off my chest but here is how I am feeling now. We have no routine. I am the mother I never thought I was going to be. I thought I was going to be Gina Ford but that was before I knew I was going to be on my own!

I simply feel like I don't have the energy to work on a routine right now meaning that dd feeds when she wants (I am basically a milk machine) and goes to bed when I do, sometimes in bed with me and sometimes in her cot depending on how restless she is. I do the housework with her in a baby bjorn on my stomach. My sister has made a couple of comments about how I should be doing routine, controlled crying etc and I think, well its easy for you, you had a husband to support you. I keep planning to start a routine but then find I just take the easy way out as I am soooo tired.

How have other single mums with babies coped doing the routine thing?

Just needed to get that off my chest...like I say we both have colds and I have cancelled our activities for the weekend so now I am stuck indoors with
no adult contact for the next 48 hours. Help!!! :)

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

So sorry to hear your in this situation. I have a 3 year old so the baby years are well behind me

I never had a routine and still don't now, we just wing it all day

Only routine he has is his bedtime and it suits us.

I did the cleaning while he slept on a night or if he had a nap. I also would use his nap time to have a cuppa and a fag

[chocoreturns]

the only routine my kids have is bedtime and that is rigidly adhered to so I can escape for an hour or two on here

I've got a 2yo and a 7mo DS. My baby still sleeps in a travel cot by my bed and feeds through the night, which I know I should knock on the head, but being on my own I don't feel I can let him cry at night and wake up DS1. I'd just be stuck with two crying LO's instead of one, who I can silence with a bit of boob. I've made progress tbh just getting him out of my actual bed.

Routine isn't for everyone, so don't beat yourself up. As your DD grows she'll get her own naturally, she may sleep all morning and nap after lunch or sleep after lunch and only nap in the morning. You'll get more into baby groups (do try to, it does help to get out even when you feel like cack. It's a sanity saver for me) which you'll find you are choosing based on said naps. Weaning isn't far off believe it or not. Another 8 weeks or so and you'll start thinking about baby rice, another 12 and you might be on 3 meals a day for her.

I've not cracked it yet but we muddle through, my two are healthy and happy in the most part. I sleep just about enough and do my housework around the activities in the week when they finally go to bed more likely

You're doing great. Starting off on your own is HARD. Don't let anyone else make you feel like you're not giving her a great start, you love her, you feed, bathe and house her and you are still just getting to know one another. It will get more fun I promise x

[angelelle]

thanks, yes she is very loved and cared for :) And I definitely use the boob as a silencer :)

I actually wish I could have some more me time but the 7pm sleeps are just not happening at the mo. I have tried but find it easier to have her on the sofa with me rather than rushing back and forth trying to settle her.

Choco...glad I am not the only one who resorts to co sleeping!!!

Onwards and upwards

[Nat38]

Hi
I would just like to say-get into your own routine, not what any one else says should be your routine!
Listen to what everyone says about their routine, read about how your routine should be, feel what your routine should be between you & your little one & go with what feels right for you & your little one after listening, reading & feeling!!
So what if your place is messy, as long as its basically clean under the mess(like my place<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/assets/images/mumsnet-emojis/base/grin.png">) As long as you are both healthy & happy, enjoy<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/assets/images/mumsnet-emojis/base/smile.png"><br /> Go with the feeding at all hours if that is what works for you to get through, youll soon start to try to get into a routine if it does`nt work for you!
My younger DD still likes to sleep with me-she is 12, I became a single parent last May, so this set her back a bit!
All I can recommend is go with you gut instinct on what is the best for you & your little one!

[blackeyedsusan]

fuck your sister and her sarky comments... you are doing great... (ooo that hit a nerve)

children at 3.5 months have a rorutine, it just chaanges so rapidly as they grow that you do not notice.. it will vary from week to week.

your child needs you to be her world right now. house work with baby on your tummy is great, though did not work for me. i was the worlds best one legged washer upper... the other was rocking the car seat, back when kids were allowed in carseats!
i was still using the boob as a silencer/comforter at age 2 years 6 months... it was good for him. hhe got comfort from mum. children need the security of their mum and their needs responded too.

7 pm sleeps will not happen fo a while. relax and go with it. get a book/the remote/ a drink/ a snack and settle in for the evening cluster feeds. relax go with the flow. 3.5 months is still really eaarly.

children who are responded too and not left to cry early in life, cry less when older. you are making sure your baby is secure and loved and knows that someone will respond to her when she is upset.

[angelelle]

Thanks blackeyedsusan. actually only today i was thinking about how many things i can do one handidly and should i lose an arm when dd is older i would get by just fine. :)

Due to stinky colds last night also ended up as cosleep. oh and i am a master at getting a tray of goodies and settling on the sofa for the evening with dd on boob:)

[DoubleYew]

There are plenty of parents who see feeding on demand, not doing cc etc as things to be proud of. Just tell your sister you have become a hippy .

Seriously though even the guy who invented cc says it shouldn't be done before 6mo. Your sis probably thinks it will be easier for you if you were in a routine. But don't push it if it isn't happening. Sleep often goes haywire at 4 months and once you start solids you'll need to find time for preparing and cleaning up so a routine will need to change and change again, plus teething could be more blips (some babies aren't phased by these so I hope I'm not worrying you). I found it got a lot easier once ds could sit and play with toys.

But please get a new sling! As they get heavier, a Baby bjorn is not good for your back and can cause probs by putting pressure on a baby's hips. A stretchy wrap is comfy for both of you - make sure the material is spread widely over your shoulders. You can wear it over clothes and just pop dd in and out. If you like a more structured rucksac type carrier look at an ergo or beco type. You want plenty of bum support so it's like the baby is sitting on a shelf rather than dangling from their crotch. If you want to try some diff ones out see if you have a local slingmeet, often you can borrow them.

[angelelle]

Thanks i have an ergo which my sister gave me (she is actually really generous and supportive so now i feel mean. i just don't think she realises how hard singledom is). Dd was sleeping ok until a few weeks ago so i know it can change at anytime.

last night i actually found myself walking around with one boob hanging out as i knew there was no point popping it back in as shed soon wake for a feed again:)

[HerrenaHarridan]

Your sister ( like everyone else in the world) knows exactly how you should raise your child best!
Just get on with it, there is no point fighting your tiny baby. H
having had lots of opinions on how to raise children I now firmly believe in the whatever works technique!
Re co sleeping. A) damn right, how on earth do people not ( answer; with a different baby than I had!)
B) whatever some people say it does not have to be a rod for your own back, dd slept with me from the start ( as she didnt ever bloody stop feeding for the first ten weeks!) through gradual progression by 5 months I was leaving the room with her still awake and no crying. She still came in later but as the night feeds dwindled so has cosleeping.
Don't be hard on yourself, don't parent to impress others.
Just trial and error, whatever works.
Congratulations by the way. Try to remember that you'll miss it when it's gone and you've painted out how bloody hard it really was