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When exP gets mad that you have met someone else...

7 replies

HeartShapedSaw · 21/01/2013 19:23

ExP and I broke up over 3 years ago, have a DS 2.6. He only started seeing him about 6 months ago due to him not really being interested when DS was a baby.

Throughout this 3 year period ExP has swung between emotional abuse and begging me to take him back/declaring love for me.

I have recently met someone (very very recent and not at all serious yet). New guy has obviously not met DS. ExP was here to drop off one of DSs toys yesterday, and it turns out he picked up my phone and read all my texts while pretending to use the bathroom. So he knows about the new guy. He admitted all this today, and went into a rant about how if any man ever disciplined or upset his son he would make sure they went missing.

I freaked out a little when he said that, I dont know if he could/would do something so serious and horrendous as that but it is a pretty big threat. I am beginning to wonder if he is ever going to let me move on and be with someone else. I am more than ready to be involved with someone, I hope to get married someday and have more kids but I dont want him to make it so difficult for me.

Im kind of hoping everyone comes on here and tells me their ex was like that at first but then accepted it!? I dont want to live my whole life with him right in the middle of everything but he seems determined to get involved and make threats all the time.

OP posts:

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blackeyedsusan · 21/01/2013 19:46

if he is going to abuse your hospitality, he no longer comes in the house. in future he hands thing over at the door. I would also be tempted to register the threat with the police if you have concerns. if he threatens you for not being let in the house, phone the police again.

he may calm down, but personally i would not take the chance. i pass the tape on the laampost at the end of ou street and the dead bunch of flowers far too many times to think that occasionaally these threats are not untrue.

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Peterpan101 · 22/01/2013 20:18

Blackeye, spot on.

But may I add from a devils advocate position (and NR dad position). Although hes has shown you that he has some jealousy issues, he may have genuine concerns about your ds, while not being able to communicate them very well. Jealously as well as many other character flaws comes from the feeling of loss of power.

Try to alleviate the fears and help him to feel like he has some more control over ds future. Suggest some ground rules for new partners for the both of you.

Even though you may be over him, he doesn't sound over you. Protect yourself.

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deleted203 · 22/01/2013 20:24

I would ban him from my house, personally. He stepped way over the line. Who and what you get up to in your private life is absolutely NONE of his business and it was a massive invasion of privacy to go through your texts. I would make other arrangements for him to pick up DS (from your DM or a friend?) and have absolutely no further contact with him. He doesn't need to be in your home at all.

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AmberLeaf · 22/01/2013 20:26

Going through your phone is totally out of order and for that I wouldnt let him in my house ever again.

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Piemother · 22/01/2013 21:28

I think the coming into your house and going through your phone is the issue here let alone ex feelings about a new partner. This man has serious boundary issues and this action is utterly inexcusable.

It's not so much about letting you move on its about allowing you to life a normal adult life. Btw the human rights act; right to private and family life can be used in extremes to stop him coming in to your house.

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queenofthepirates · 22/01/2013 21:30

I think you can issue a warning and establish the boundaries. No more reading texts, no more nosing into your private life. He is welcome to ask questions about parenting which you may or may not choose to answer however no more threats. The penalty for overstepping the mark is he gets banned from the house.

It's nice to have a relaxed relationship where he can come and go but it's not okay to hurtle over the line as he has done. Set down some standards for behaviour.

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HeartShapedSaw · 24/01/2013 14:12

Thanks for your replies.

The fact he read my phone did enrage me, but its more that he doesn't seem able to accept that its none of his business what I do in my private life. I'm worried for the guy I end up with, as I don't know who should have to put up with this drama.

I think you are all right that I shouldn't let him in my house again. I am disappointed as I thought we had finally made some progress in getting along.