Ugh, sorry, jumped the gun with so many considered responses. Yes, it would help to know that I left exh because he was violent throughout pregnancy etc. Of course, I consented to marriage and sex with this person, I didn't consent to have a child with a violent man though, which is what he became once I was pregnant. Statistically, this is the case for one in four women.
I failed in my application for a section 91 order as CAFCASS and the children's solicitor appointed (at my request) ruled it was 'premature'. 49 court appearances doesn't feel premature. CAFCASS, the guardian and the solicitor decided that the sustained 90 minute disgusting abusive rant against me in court was the result of his 'frustration.'
Despite being homeless, facing eviction, unemployment, poor health and bringing up a child by myself, I have never been so 'frustrated' that I would rail against her dad, nor stop her seeing him. I provide her for contact, encourage her to go, tell him about parents' evening, send school reports and school photos etc. I am too busy doing all that to spend Certainly any energy to pursuing anything other than what is absolutely necessary to bring up my daughter. Which is more than can be said for him.
Does he pay maintenance? Yes, through the CSA. He has just spent more on a new tv than he gives me to look after her for a month. But, because he meets the letter of the law, this is fine. He spends 15% of his income looking after her, I spend about 85% of mine. Equal? that will be the day.
It has cost me £70, 000 to continually indulge this abuse and I have NO CHOICE but to respond to a court application once it is made. My daughter has seen her father every two weeks, or every week, since I left him when she was four months old. The system does not acknowledge abuse and fails to deal with it on a routine basis. The court, CAFCASS and the children's solicitor continue to insist that we should 'sort it out ourselves' How? when the other party has said in court, as a matter of record, that he will never believe anything I say? to the point that even when she was hospitalised on an emergency call that he called her doctor and insisted she be made available for contact? Anyone out there want to tell me what to do in that situation? You might as well, my decisions are also a matter of public record.
There is a scale of unreasonable behaviour that thankfully most people have no understanding of, but that doesn't mean children don't experience it, and doesn't believe that somewhere, someone, isn't trying to bring up a child in as normal and ordinary and stable a situation as possible, despite it. That person is me.
What suits me is substantially different to what suits a six year old who has never lived with a father, a man who is totally incapable of providing her with the stability she needs to enjoy contact with her dad, despite being given every chance to do so. Despite her protests, I take her to every single visit. Now do I look like a good mum because I take her, or a bad one because I ignore the fact that this lovely, intelligent child has to be dragged to see her dad and left sobbing with him? Are you still convinced he has the 'right' to a substantial relationship with his daughter? How, just tell me, how do I balance her rights in this?
If I don't take her, I can be sent to prison for contempt of court for defying a court order. And where would she go and live? With a man she can hardly bear to spend a weekend with. Still, good mum or not?
I have 'won' this last argument, and now my six year old daughter, instead of looking forward to Christmas, is frightened to death that she will now have to spend more time with her dad afterwards. Now, can anyone tell me where my daughter's needs are being met? With a full-time job and massive cuts in benefits, my needs are more than met by the order, which gives me one night midweek off, and every other weekend? But what about her? And what would you do? As her mum? As her dad?
I know I have a lot of support here, and I am grateful for it, and I know that I speak for many parents with care of their children. What the family court says it will do - put the needs of the child first - and what it does - placate the loudest voice in protest - are two very different things.
Rant over. Thanks for your support everyone, I know I'm not the only parent who is pilloried for trying to do the best for their child, even when it doesn't tick politically correct boxes.