The thing i find hardest to deal with since the split......

[sanchpanch]

Split 7 months ago and i am over the worst of the heartache, small things sometimes come along to trip me up but on the whole things are getting easier for me

But the hardest thing for me to deal with and accept is the coldness from ex dp shown to me since he left....

From the start he would never give me any time to talk things over and since he has been no better, he never ask's how i am or how i am coping with the girls now i am a single mum, he basically couldnt give a stuff about me now...

How can someone go from caring so much about someone and sharing such intimate times together to being a complete stranger...

This is what has hurt me the most and i am not expecting any response to my post but i guess i needed to write it down as big round tears are now crashing onto the keyboard..

[catrin]

So sorry you are feeling so bad

[lars]

sanchpanch, sometimes it's hard for both, could this be his way of dealing with the split.
Like showing his not bothered like a kind of defence action do you think/ larsxx

[bluejelly]

I agree with Lars. He probably does care but things but because he feels so bad and awkward about the whole thing he acts like he doesn't...

So sorry you are feeling bad. I find these feelings tend to come and go in waves, like some days you feel really strong and positive and other days you feel dreadful and like you can't cope.
It won't be long before the bad times are totally outnumbered by the good, I'm sure

You are through the worst!

[shimmy21]

God it sounds tough

I agree with the others. This is surely his defence mechansim against his own guilt. He knows if he asks how you are you might tell him that you are not OK. You might make him feel like sh#t and responsible for the mess he's made. Easiest option - pretend to be a tough man and block off the feelings.

Or alternatively he just is a nasty big sh#t and you are much better off without him..

Either way, it's his loss. Not yours.

[libb]

Hi Sanchpanch,

I know exactly what you mean, my ex is the same. His ability to communicate is so ridiculous that I became a shrill, hysterical witch whenever I had to talk to him about DS because he just refused to respond in any way. One night I had a couple of lads try to come into the house when DS and I were at home but he was flippant about the whole thing when I phoned in tears. Then his new gf told him I was contacting him too much, even though it was only ever about DS and that was it for me. It really hurt so I just thought you are a cold, arrogant, selfish idiot and I said to myself "sod it, you want no communication then you will get no communication. I will play that game too".

Now I only tell him the essentials and if he wants to know something then it is down to him to ask, he sometimes tries to tell me things about the new gf etc. but I always cut him short because it is nothing to do with DS.

It was very hard at first to play cold (like you I am not naturally that type) but I am now so much calmer and am starting to get my head back together. I am back in control because its my flipping life, not his! I even find it hard to remember the nice moments we had, I can only ever see the grumpy, miserable, sulky manchild that is forever getting his ear bent by the new gf!

I know it does seem hard but you have to allow time to take over for a while, take care of yourself and your girls and the rest will most certainly fall into place. I have spent the last few months feeling like I was waiting for Spring or something - if that makes sense.

Recently I have started seeing a lovely bloke who is reminding me that relationships can be nice - he snuck up on me when I wasn't looking!

You sound like you are doing really well, even though it may not seem like it at times. You are incredibly strong and brave. If you want to cat me then feel free, I only have access at work but I do work Monday to Friday so will see any messages. Take care xxxx

[bluejelly]

Good post Libb

[sanchpanch]

Thankyou all for your kind words..

I just cant describe the feeling i guess i did genuinely feel like i lost me best friend when we split, and i guess i still feel that loss, i could talk to him about anything, he was always there for me in a crisis or other, and now noone fills that gap..... had to phone 999 when i broke down because i didnt know what to do, as i would normally phone him,

it is just such a big void in my life, and i feel so lousy about it, i dont want him back but i want back the life we had, ...

Why the f**k did i agree to him going on the lads holiday to magaluf, where he met his new girlfriend...

Maybe it is his guilt i dont know, It just makes me so sad that we were so close and now we couldnt be any further apart

Hopefully this saddness will ease, and i am sure there will come a day when he will want to talk to me about it all - who knows.....

[bluejelly]

It will ease sanchpanch. I remember feeling that way about one of my exes. Now I can't even remember why I ever felt like that!
Don't beat yourself up about Magaluf. I also did the same (though about another bit of Spain!)But being faithful is really a state of mind - it could have happened in Basildon ( no offence to Basildoners...)
Keep telling yourself it wasn't your fault, that he didn't deserve you in the first place and that when the time is right you will find someone who will love and cherish you better than he ever could!

[loulounz]

Hi Sanchpanch - haven't seen you on any threads lately and wondered what had happened to you.

You are going through all the feelings that everyone else seems to go through. I too feel like you do about my (soontobe)xh and I agree with the others about it being a big GUILT thing! It has gotten so bad between the two of us that I now chose to totally ignore him on handovers otherwise he verbally abuses me (in front of the children!)

I've been separated for over a year now and I still sometimes wish I would wake up and it was all a bad dream (even though he has put us through hell and back!), but then I also enjoy myself being just ME again and not just wife and mother! I do what I want to do now and dont just pander to his every whim. I find it EXTREMELY difficult being a lone parent and cry to myself quite often thinking I can't cope etc but when the children laugh, do something funny, just do everyday things, I can have the last laugh because HE MISSES OUT ON ALL THAT IS PRECIOUS, and if a man doesn't want to be involved in that then he's NOT worth having!

I have moved closer to my family who are wonderfully supportive - the children have a wonderful male family member in their lives to be a good role model to them and watching him with them shows me what a REAL FATHER should be like!

The only problem I now have is it will be very hard for the next man that comes into our lives as I just know what I want and I wont settle for anything less.

Take care, cat me too if you like.

Keep smiling, be happy - we'll get there in the end! :)

[sanchpanch]

thankyou, nice to hear from you loulounz... i remember a time on here when all we talked about was trying to get them back, thank goddness we are well past that stage,,, (although between you and me i would still secretly like him to want me back just for the satisfaction in turning him down !!!!)

I am glad you are doing ok, but sorry for your relationship with dh.. mine get picked up from nursery and dropped back there next day, i havent physically seen him since boxing day, which i guess does make it easier, although i tend to but him on a pedestal when i dont see him, then once i do i think yuk you arent all that...... Its like i forget what he looks like so i imagine him to be something else then i see him and realise how wrong i was!!!!!!

[mistressmiggins]

I have the opposite problem

my ex is so friendly and "caring"
he wants us to be friends; he wants to talk to me daily & see how I am

its very confusing & hurtful - it seems for me that he has just switched from husband to just friends overnight and feels no guilt and indeed cant understand why I find it hard not to be cold towards him - friends dont betray each other & while Im sure we can be friends again, I cant pretend so short a time after hes left....for the other woman

I miss him & it still hurts like hell (he left 4 mths ago)

I can sympathise but from the other side, at least it makes you see your ex in a bad light & maybe makes it easier to hate him/feel glad its over....I just think "why has it all gone so wrong"

[bontinini]

It is astounding, how you acn go from intimate partners, to virtual strangers, like a love coin, flips..So tough, so heartbreaking. But believe me, time does heal, and although it is so painful now, in time, you will suddenly notice, that you have gone days without thinking about him, and you are sleeping better, and your children are giving you great joy. And in more time, you will love again, so keep going, keep looking ahead, and tell yourself, every chance, that you deserve better, and will one day soon, get what you deserve, and he will be a distant memory...Best of luck, and do know, it does get much easier, in time...

[EmilyD]

mistressmiggins

This sounds exactly like my husband who left me in February - he communicates with me like i am a friend emaililng me links to fun things etc. It's like his emotions towards me have gone but wants to stick with friendship which i find impossible as i have feelings still. When he's nice to me i think he is going to come back. He likes living on his own and having his cake and eat it i suppose and i try and be cold towards him but find it so difficult. It's a real rollercoaster ride

[mistressmiggins]

EmilyD - this is exactly how I feel - you keep thinking they are coming back

my mum asked me recently how many more times he had to kick me b4 I stopped loving him...it may have been this weekend

just been camping and this is the first time Ive had to put tent away by myself....I mentioned this to my friend while laughing but DS obviously heard me say that I didnt have a clue how ot put tent away....when H rang, DS (4) started shouting at him and said "mummy couldnt do the tent and its all your fault for leaving" DS was obviously bothered by it.....apparatently all daddy said to DS was " I cant do anything about that"

when Ds came off the phone I explained that I had managed to work out how to put tent away so it was OK

soooo angry for DS

sad thing is that H will think I have put that idea in DS's head

he txt me daily and rang daily while I was away on a 3 day camping trip - his behaviour is just confusing

[happysinglemum]

So strange that men can walk away and then expect to have friendly conversations - my ex comes round and wants me to be chatty and nice about the fripperies that he's bought ds.

When I asked him why he hadn't asked me how the birth had gone (he want when I was two months preg) he said it was coz I hadn't asked how he was!!!!!

[pirategirl]

i found this topic, and have bumped it up if thats ok, as its a mystery to me that men can be so cold, maybe it is the guilts?? I found that hard to understand but someof the posts on here have made me understand it more.