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Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Living overseas

And a special thread for German schools that drive their pupils to suicide attempts [bitter emoticon]

55 replies

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:02

dd got her uebertrittszeungis from the hauptschule earlier this week. Everyone else who was trying got unconditional 5th yr HS -> 6th yr RS - except dd, who got 5th yr RS, IF she passes the 3 day exam in june. It is cat and mouse torture for dd.
the difference between going into the 5th yr and 6th yr of the realschule is ONE BLOODY MARK in ONE BLOODY SUBJECT, but a huge impact on the child.
yesterday, dd cut herself and says she doesnt want to go on living. She is 11 FFS -I am f*g furious.

And to top it all, ex h is piling on the pressure, by putting in a court action to try and get the ds's, and he has made them promise that if the court asks them who they should live with, they must say Daddy. They are pretty distraught as well.

I have f*g had enough.
bayern best school system in germany - ha ha.

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Report

Bridie3 · 26/04/2008 22:05

It sounds like a NIGHTMARE. I'm so sorry.

CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:07

Do you think the ds's will say daddy in court?

I really hope not for their sakes.

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:09

hello Cargirl
ds1 sticks to saying that he will say "I dont know"
ds2 told me he was going to say Daddy. I asked him gently if he understood, that that would mean he would really go and live with Daddy, and he burst into tears. ds1 urged him to say he doesnt know, but ds2 is too scared that his father would find out that he had broken his promise.

My lawyer expects me to put pressure on them (through mother's loving tenderness ) to say Mummy.

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CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:13

This so horrendous, will your lawyer be able to tell the courts that your ds2 is petrified of him. Does your ex have PR for either of them or is that irrelevant over there?

Is there anything else you can do to protect them? Has he given up on the dds?

Will your dss testify for you in the court?

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:17

well, I wanted my lawyer to say this to the judge, but he seems to think that I should manage it.
PR is more important in germany than in the UK, both parents with PR have to sign all sorts of documents, so I am now trying to get sole PR.
He has asked for just the ds's, which rather weakens his arguments that I am a bad mother, since he is apparently willing to leave the dds with me.

He told my sons this week that he is going to kill me when the youngest is 12.

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Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:19

I just feel like crying at the moment. There is no solution to our school nightmare, except moving out of here.
Zurich is top of my list at the moment, closely followed by Austria.

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CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:22

Can you move somewhere with a school that does the international Bac thingy or all they all private schools?

I thought your ex had been banned from some country (ies) how about moving there? Surely the fact that the German police were involved in him kidnapping them will go against him?

Are you sorting out PR in the UK for them or over there. Anything I can do to help?

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:28

No, thank you all the same. UK law is so different from German and French law on this subject, that I am just seeking a court order here, to clarify my "strange" documetns from the uk, and also tidy up the divorce to make it look like a german one.

normally ex h should not have a leg to stand on, considering his record, but obviously the ds's opinions are the most crucial bits of evidence. He cant go to his own country, but thats because he doesnt want to go to jail.

The only problem with private schools, is that the reasonably priced ones have huge waiting lists, guess why. I am trying to get ds1 into one at the moment, but probably wont succeed.

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Califrau · 26/04/2008 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:32

move to his home country

Do you get the chance to speak in court? If so could you ask your ds2 in the court if he understands that if he says daddy then he will actually go to live with Daddy? could work if you need to do it?

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:34

I am almost desperate enough to join you in the states! Even though we would probably end up living in a trailer, and the children would have to spell everything with a z.

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CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:35

States is looking like a good option from where I'm sitting if it keeps you together and safe.

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:36

cargirl, I have seriously considered moving there! He can get false papers too easily though.
I think I will have to have another go at the lawyer to have a quiet word with the judge.

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Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:38

I know I havent comforted dd tonight, and there will be more repercussions tomorrow, but I am just too tired and gobsmacked. I just dont have the comfort to give her at the moment.

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CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:38

Yes but if he turned up in the states if you phone the police explaining here on fraudlulent documents they would kick him out like a shot surely......

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:40

his visa for the uk is only valid as long as he visits the uk at least once in 2 years.

Last time he was there was summer 2006 - where should I write, to make sure that his visa will be cancelled??

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CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:44

Hmmmmmmm

Speak to the home office

Telephone: 020 7035 4848 (09:00-17:00 Mon-Fri)

ask them who to write to? Tell them you have fled the UK and wish to return but can't because of the death threats etc (basically tell the truth if asking a straight forward case gets you nowhere)

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 22:50

thank you for phone number, I will pursue this.

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CarGirl · 26/04/2008 22:52

I'm going to bed now will check on this thread if you want to keep chatting about it - good to vent. Does this mean he hasn't got his current dp up the duff yet then?

Nighbynight · 26/04/2008 23:01

I think they lost touch when he got sent to prison earlier this year for hitting me. (hope shes NOT, then) Its midnight here, so I am off to bed too. thank you for talking! or listening to my ranting.

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marina · 26/04/2008 23:23

I never feel I can help much as I know NOTHING about Germany and the education system, but I couldn't not post nighbynight. I am so very sorry for the shock you've had today and all you still have to put up with XXX
So France is now out of the question then?

admylin · 27/04/2008 18:44

OMG Nighbynight , your poor dd. The pressure is not normal for dc of that age and by the sound of it she hasn't just got school to worry about. Can you not send your dd to family in UK 'til you sort something better out? How is she feeling today - especially about going to school tomorrow?

My friend has a dd with HS empfehlung and she did her tests for RS already. The strange thing about the testing is they told her mum she couldn't even prepare for it because it would be more testing on general knowledge and ability rather than German or maths - her dd was so ill before the tests that she had to stay home from school for a week. It's not normal to put them through that sort of thing. The worst thing is the girl is quite clever but had huge problems this past year and a half with her dad not showing up to visit or paying Unterhalt and her mum having to work extra hours just to make ends meet so not being there for her homework (typical German system, leave half of it to the parents to teach at home) surprisingly her marks suffered too.

SSSandy2 · 28/04/2008 09:39

I'm so sorry NN, it all sounds horrible. Your poor dd, that's just awful. I don't know what to suggest. If it were just the schools, it would be bad enough but with dh on top of all that, it must be unbearable pressure on you. I wish the parental responsiblity issue could be resolved very quickly. Why is it taking so long?

finknottle · 28/04/2008 09:41

for you and your children - this system is so inhuman.
I'm not sure that Switzerland or Austria would be much better, though, don't they have basically the same rigid set-up? Don't know what other options you have but hope your lawyer does what you want. There must be some provision for dealing with children who are frightened - don't they use use social workers or are they just as bad?
I'd hope in the UK you can at least get more support. Thinking of you.

SSSandy2 · 28/04/2008 11:25

NN I don't know what to say. This is terrible that dd should feel under so much pressure that she is self-harming. Perhaps it is time to call it a day and leave Munich? Is that at all realistic?

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