DS screaming every time we speak the other language. Please tell me this is a phase in bilingualism!

[Lala83]

My DS and I moved abroad with my DH to his mother tongue country four months ago. My DS is 2 and a half years old and his English is good with a very extensive vocabulary. His minority language is basic understanding only. My husband is talking to him as much as he can, but his dominant language still very obviously english. The trouble is since moving, every time we open our mouths to speak in the (now) majority language, he goes nuts and says ' I'm talking about england' (i.e. I'm speaking english). He starts nursery in September and I'm worried about his anger levels. Please tell me this is a phase?!

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

Are you still speaking English to him? If you have both swapped that is probably freaking him out a bit!

My oldest was only 2 months when we moved, but her English was also very advanced, so much so she used to get comments, as she was little for her age and almost bald :o - she was speaking in full sentences. What she did was different - she reverted somewhat to babble, which also worried me (and to be honest annoyed me, as I had been so proud of her language :o ) She came through it after about 4 months, and her English went back to normal, and her German started to take off - she didn't start Kindergarten until the month of her 3rd birthday, but by then she was relatively fluent (actually spoke better German than some of her same age peers, but I think that's because there doesn't seem to be much of a culture of having conversations with toddlers here).

Maybe the move is overwhelming him, and the language swap on top is too much - we kept English as a family language even though DH is German, so home was always an English sanctuary - although of course we speak German with Germans in the house, I only ever speak English to the kids, and as a family we all speak English together. As I say they picked up German from the playground (we do spend hours and hours a day there) playing with neighbour kids, and from toddlers groups. None of the kids needed any extra help with German, and in fact DD (the only one yet at school) excels in German, its her best subject and her teacher says she has a talent for the written (German) word and exceptionally good understanding of what she reads wish she was as good at maths

All I can advise is dialing the exposure down - especially not speaking directly to him (nor to DH if that's not what he is used to) in the community language, then he might not feel he has to reject it to preserve his safe familiar family environment, or his own identity. He'll still pick up the community language if you socialise - make it the language of other children, fun and playmates, but keep yourself his familiar English sanctuary.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

Obviously my eldest was 20 months not 2 - she did not use sentences at 2 months old!

[Lala83]

Thanks mr tumbles Bavarian fan base! Great name! Dialling down is probably accurate. We do speak in English at home but sometimes slip into the italian when we're talking about something italian. His dad has always talked italian to him but now think he's rejecting it since the move. I think maybe the biggest thing is me being his English sanctuary and consistent in my language with him. When we are out I obviously have to talk to adults in italian. It's ok in shops, but casual conversation is just not allowed, maybe because he can't participate and it scares him. Old ladies come up and cluck over him as he is the only blond here in the whole village and he gets cross, then gets even crosser then they start to jokingly chastise him in italian about his crossness. It's all very stressful! Perhaps if I act as his english protector and translate and explain for him, he'll find it less scary. This is going to sound crazy too, but when he does something a bit naughty or dangerous, I tend to warn him off in italian because I want the adults in the vicinity to know I know what he's doing is wrong so they don't think I'm being a 'typical' English lax parent! When I reflect on that, it's probably making him hate italian! I thought total immersion was the way to go but perhaps I'll just wait for nursery! We also hang out in the park a lot but he just always wants to play on his own with me and hates when other kids get involved. So different to how he is in England. Any other tips appreciated! Thanks for your experience and glad to hear nursery can work out.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

How are you getting on Lala ? Any reduction in the screaming reaction to Italian.

IMO you should never address him in Italian (with the possible exception of when he is a bit older and has friends 'round and you want the friend included in the conversation, but certainly not at this age) - absolutely don't do it for the benefit of adult strangers so that they'll approve of your parenting - apart from anything they will know from your body language and tone of voice etc. that you are dealing properly with the situation.

Not only does he need the continuity and familiarity of you speaking English to help him ride out his whole world changing due to the move, he will eventually refuse to speak English to you, if you speak Italian to him some of the time - this is very common indeed, in fact a major complaint of people with older children in bilingual families is that they refuse to speak the minority language, even if it is their mother tongue and they clearly still understand it and can speak it if they choose.

[Iknowwherethepampasgrassis]

The people I know raising bilingual children have all found that the child is reluctant to speak one of the languages and so it is difficult for the parent who is native to that language to speak it with them. I think you need to be consistent though and you must speak English and Dh Italian with him or decide you will only speak englsh in the home. Whatever you do you just have to keep doing it.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

Iknow we have not had that problem at all with normal conversation so far - I think because we speak English exclusively as a family language (of course speaking German to German speaking guests) and the kids' life outside the home is exclusively German. Kids are only 8 (nearly 9), 6 (nearly 7) and 3, so it may still become a problem when they are teens of course. For now the only problem is "school" vocab - DD cried because she didn't know how to say "divided by" in English the other day... they have never shown any resistance to either language at all though.

As you say though, consistency is key - mix and they end up speaking one language in a form that can only be understood properly by people who also speak both languages, or stopping speaking the minority altogether!