I'm suffering! Please help.

[asutty5]

Right, background information, I've been living here for nearly 7 years. 3 children, husband is disabled. I'm sahm currently. For the last few years non stop I have wanted to die through sheer agony of homesickness. Every single day of my life I spend thinking about my "home". I'm from Southern California, I moved here when I was 18 looking for adventure, met my husband. La dee dah. We went back for christmas in 2011 and I've never gotten over it. My husband has 2 children who live here, one he hasn't seen since she was 2 and we are waiting and praying she gets in contact (now 14 and we have been through the courts to try to get contact of some sort - she just wont respond to anything but we wont give up) the second is a 7 year old boy who visits every weekend but we have no say in how he is brought up. This is all fine and we're happy with it.

My husband wants to move to the USA "one day". Now is not the right time according to him. Every day I suffer with this "I want to go now" repeating in my mind over and over, its insanity. At my worst - usually PMS related I dive deep deep into a depression and cut off all contact, loose interest in local goings on and really just wish i could abandon my family. My husband has anxiety issues and hes unable to work. I feel like his clone now. I used to be so spontaneous and out going, loved life to the max. I am indecisive and anxious depressed. My mothering is gone down hill I used to be crunchy but I just don't even care anymore, I'm mainstream disconnected and that is weighing on my mind. I cant cope. My family are very close and my in-laws are distant. My husband does his best but in my opinion doesn't scratch the surface. Hes changed maybe 12 nappies out of 5,000. He has learned to do laundry this year and has cooked "man meals" of chips and sausages for the last 4. If i cook he doesn't eat it unless its chips and sausage. I need way more support than I get from him I need way more positive support that isnt from an anxious person who makes me anxious. I need my mom.

The real problem is in the last few months my mind has gone from "how do I get him to see my problem and try California out for a year or two?" to "do i really want to be married to this man?" and I cant talk to him about it, I have already spoken to him thousands of times and that conversation between us is beaten to death and buried under 10 feet of dirt, its not coming back. He has told me if I leave him I will be the worst mother on earth. There is no negotiating or at least no way that I can see to move on from this horrible situation that is destroying our family. Please give me advice tell me what im doing wrong or right, anything!! I need outsiders to help me view this differently.

[Iris1789]

I am so sorry you are going through this - it sounds terrible. I have been in a similar situation. It sounds like you need more clarity from your husband in terms if whether or not he is prepared to move - 'one day' is not good enough. It sounds like he has strong reasons to stay (his other children) and he may not be prepared to move until they are adults. This is fair enough but he needs to be honest with you about this.
If he won't move, would he let you go with the children? I assume this is unlikely. In that case, the reality is that you will need to make your life where you are, at least until your children are grown up. I know this sounds very tough but once I accepted this it was almost a relief. You can then make decisions about other aspects of your life. It sounds like you don't want to be with your husband - you don't have to be. You can meet other people, find your true self again, be happy...all those things. You can plan to visit California regularly. But please don't make your happiness contingent on living in a particular place (and I say this knowing how horrible homesickness is).
I really hope things look up for you very soon.

[chloeb2002]

Sounds like less of an anxiety problem your dh has and more of a manipulative co dependency. It does take two to form a co dependent relationship tho! The fact you have recognised your developing his associated issues however shows your clarity. Build on that. Make a life for your kids and you. It need not have what sounds like a bad relationship at its core. Move on and up. Location you can live with and adapt. People you cannot.

[TroubledPreteen]

You may not be so home sick if you were not on such a terrible man. Life might really pick up if you
left him.

[PintOfWine]

I'm not sure how you are envisioning your setup in California. No NHS, no job (and then only with right visas etc for your husband) and (I'm assuming) pretty regular need for medical care due to disability?

[PintOfWine]

Also, do you mean you are thinking to leave your husband and your 3 children (and that's why he's saying you'd be the worst mother) and moving to States? If you meant with your children, will he allow them to move if you divorced? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just not sure how much is venting and how much is actual options you're considering.

[asutty5]

Thank you all for responding. I guess I should shed a bit more light on my husband. He is a lovely man and my best friend. I understand his conditions so I can usually pick if hes being anxious or just ridiculous/controlling. He had a troubled childhood and a very depressing life up until I met him basically. His family has told me I "saved" him. I can see the good in him and hes loving and caring. Unfortunately he had a break down due to a bad situation with his ex when she disappeared with their daughter. This caused whatever issues he had before with depression and anxiety to explode and he does also suffer from a dependent disorder where he does not take care of himself and slips into a deeper depression when alone. His sister suffers from similar things so I can only assume its childhood related although I'm clearly not a doctor. Since hes met me though I've given him tough love and I can see when I push him too hard. He is a better person but not 100% healed and probably never will be.

In my mind he can be very manipulative and controlling mainly through his selfish fear of his life falling apart again - but I can't really tell him that because he just says "I'm ill" hes obviously not my perfect match but we try our best with our situation. I am a risk taker and he would rather never take a risk in his life. I don't want to leave him; although, sometimes, like I said I wonder how much better my life would be without him. I try to tell myself that's probably very normal in marriage at some point or another. I also accept his reason for wanting to stay is more than adequate.

Back to moving. In California I have a large extended family and my siblings are all successful in their jobs. Along with my mom and her husband who are "willing to do anything to help" us move over there. I've found local jobs that I could take and there is plenty of "emergency" jobs in case of. Health care would be dealt with and support for my children is in abundance. If we moved I would be helping my brother who is a landlord and we are meant to be partners although I haven't done much because I'm here.

I've asked my husband about me going alone to California and trying to get on and then my family joining me at a later date which was "crazy" in his mind. I've offered to take the baby and leave him with the older boys who would be in school but no. Even just going for a year, "its not the right time". He literally leaves me with no options other than divorce and him being left alone and self destructing or staying here and hating my life. If I did divorce him in my mind, I'd have nothing to be here for so I'd go back. then there is the whole "how are we going to deal with visitation" he tells me he wont want to know us. Which I can just see is a defensive measure to scare me into not wanting to go down this route.

[PintOfWine]

Healthcare will be "dealt with"? Even with private healthcare, you will be paying huge premiums for an existing condition (that is if they will cover you at all and don't count on being able to add your husband on your work's policy as even those usually have caps, and will only cover existing conditions after xx time.) Healthcare costs are crippling, so I'm a bit at how you think you're going to sort it on one salary.

[asutty5]

Well all I can say is I grew up there and never suffered from the health care system. Im not completely clued up on the health care system now as "Obama care" has come in. However, my family don't have any complaints. I was on welfare there for 9 months while I struggeled to get a visa to come back here in 08 and I hadmy son there. I'm not worried enough about the health care system to make me not want to return. My husband doesn't have any mental health help here because he doesn't need it according to his doctors. He feels fine without it. He sometimes talks about getting a job. I don't know who would hire him as he melts under pressure.

[PintOfWine]

I'm not surprised your husband isn't keen on moving, I you haven't even researched such a basic thing. Never mind what your younger healthy self experienced, what about a non-US immigrant on a visa and out of work? Research what welfare and healthcare he would be entitled to and how much his private health insurance would cost as a family.

For someone who had talked to death about making an overseas move, you don't appear to be very informed as to how this would impact him as a UK citizen moving to US.

Have you discussed him becoming a US citizen via marriage? That would open up a lot of more possibilities to start.

[asutty5]

Well I have researched all of that. I'd apply for a foreign family member to join me in the states. Preferred to change status in the states instead of 10 month wait here. He gets a green card. Health care is not an issue im wanting to debate none of that is. I've researched for years and he has heard every snipit of information I could find. I just need some support from people in this situation with homesickness that is ripping my family apart, not the technicalities of the affordable care act.

[PintOfWine]

Sorry, but you sounded very me me me in your posts so I was trying to offer practical things your husband might be concerned about so you could refocus on why he's apprehensive to move rather than why you are homesick.

But if you want to support for you...You need to talk to a professional about your state of mind because from where I'm sitting, you sound more trapped in an unhappy marriage and resentful that he's so dependent on you. It reads like you're pining for your old self and your old life in a specific country rather than that country. Your marriage issues won't go away if you relocate. If anything he'll be more dependant on you and they'll get worse.

I honestly can't see him allowing you to move your kids half way across the world when he's fought for rights to see his other kids in past, so divorcing him doesn't mean you could simply move to the states with you kids. So there goes that escape route

Perphaps it's a cliche but I think if you talked to a professional, you could figure out how not to react to his anxiety and detach a bit emotionally - so you can feel like "you" again. When you're in a better place mentally, you won't feel so trapped perhaps? Just throwing it out here.

[Earlybird]

I've been an expat myself. it is easy to think that all (or many) of your problems would be solved if you could only 'move home'. That is often, sadly, not true.

Think about the practical aspects for a moment (apart from the emotional ones). How would you live? How are you going to work with 3 dc under 7? Even if you manage it, you would spend a large amount of money in childcare. Can you afford those costs? Housing is expensive. You'll need a car and insurance. Could your dh work there?

Remember that there is not nearly so much help there for low income families. Work out a budget for what you'd need to earn to live there - and then see where you are. Once you've looked at the day to day issues surrounding moving and the life you'd have there (vs here), you can address the emotional issues associated with moving back.

I think you have a huge problem, but I also think you've got your rose-tinted glasses on when you imagine California as the promised land that will solve all your problems.

[Earlybird]

When was the last time you visited California for an extended period?

[asutty5]

Right, thanks again. Earlybird I was last there for a month in Dec/Jan 2011-2012

pintofwine that's almost one major reason why I haven't pushed him all the way. I can see that if we do go and for whatever reason he is unhappy there, our marriage wouldn't last a second because he would feel like hes not in control of his life and it would seem to be falling apart around him. I'm scared of that. I love him and hes never been horrible. But is "not good enough" a reasonable way out of a marriage. I enjoy his company. Everyone has their flaws

[HelloLA]

Hi asutty5, if you're seriously considering the move, I think you need to look again at the visa process of getting your DH over. He can't come over as a tourist and adjust status; it's illegal for him to present himself as a visitor when he actually has immigrant intent.

You need to go through the whole visa process in the UK, and then he can properly move to the US and receive his conditional green card straight away. Better to deal with a moderately slow but straightforward visa process here than a lot of much more complex and stressful procedures later, with the risk of your DH being denied and/or incurring a ban from the US.

I know you're currently more involved with the emotional side of things, but you need to know what you're getting yourself into, especially if your DH isn't keen on the move and will become more obstructive if the visa process gets difficult.

Do you think your DH could actually cope with relocation? It sounds like he's prone to depression and anxiety and needs to feel 'in control'. This, on top of him not even really wanting to move in the first place, doesn't sound like he could really weather the massive upheaval of starting over in a new country. What would he do in California?

If you divorced (worst case scenario), would he sanction you moving back to the US with the kids? I'm pretty sure you can't do it without his express permission. But hopefully it won't come to this, and there's some kind of compromise you can work out. Has he been to California? Could you take a trip there together?

[asutty5]

Yeah, he has been there, summer was hard on him. He wants to go and when we had pickfords price up our lot he was asking questions and on the ball "just, not yet". And I know you're right about the greencard. I think im getting what I need out of this thread. My mind is calming. And im reflecting on our relationship more. It's probably the compounded stresses that are making me flighty. I do think our situation is a mess. He doesn't see the issues. I've brought up "concious uncoupling" and he said it was rediculous. I know he would prefer it to his ex's separation tactics. Im going to go quiet for a while and think again. Thank you all very much.

[Laptopwieldingharpy]

Been lurking and just wanted to say that you are not being unreasonable at all.
Your train of thought is perfectly normal in your situation. It would be senseless to just coast by oblivious to how you feel or to the actual objective situation you are in. You seem to be the only one in this marriage with a clear head.
I wonder what posters would have said if you were trapped in that situation overseas and wanting to come back to your family in the UK?

Yes its not always greener etc…. but in all honesty California is a bloody appealing alternative to your current setup.
It sounds like you have a very trusting relationship. my advice would be keep talking, don't give up.

[asutty5]

Thank you very much Laptopwieldingharpy

[HelloLA]

Good luck, asutty5. It's a really difficult situation, but one that's not uncommon amongst international couples, so I hope you can work something out.

But don't let yourself live in limbo for too long: at some point, your DH needs to decide for certain if he's going to give CA a go or not. It's not fair to make you live on 'soon, someday, not yet' for years and years. That makes it very difficult for you to truly settle in the UK, and also runs the risk of building up California in your mind as this perfect place and the solution to all your problems; even if you did move back in the end, it couldn't live up to this (especially as you left as a single teen, but would be returning as an adult mother-of-3; plenty of culture shock there).

Also, if he's keeping you hanging on and on for a final decision, whatever he does decide in the end might still leave you feel angry that you have 'wasted' several years waiting for a real, permanent life to begin.

It's a very big move and he deserves time to consider it, and to have equal say in where his children are raised. But you also deserve to know where you stand and to be able to plan and build up your life accordingly.

Have you been on the UK Yankee website? It's for US expats in Britain. I think the majority are married to British spouses, and many are dealing with similar issues to yours.

[CommonBurdock]

Hi OP. I hope you are managing your situation ok at the moment. Unfortunately I have first hand experience of this and would be glad to try and help if you want to pm me. Different country but the principle is still the same. For various reasons I am stuck here for at least the next decade.
With the personality type you say your DH has, I cannot see this working for you in the US. As a previous poster said, your best bet is to reconcile to living in the UK and making the best of YOU. It is so unbelievably painful I know, but you CAN do it. You will be back home one day.