Sense of belonging for third culture children?

[DXBMermaid]

I've been reading some of the homesickness threads and the threads about moving back home. This has got me thinking about our own situation. DH and I are not from the same country (or indeed the same continent). We have lived in several countries together and currently live in the ME. We have a 1 year old dd. The chances of us moving back to either of our home countries are slim so we don't really have a 'home' to go back to. Our future here is not certain, we could live here for another 10 years or we could get asked to move in 6 months. How can we help our DD feel like she belongs somewhere? Or is that feeling overrated and does it not matter?

[LeMousquetaireAnonyme]

She belongs on earth! Teach her to be tolerant, open minded and be confident in her own choices and customs.
She will be fine!

I hope for my own girls' sake

[jaynebxl]

And she will presumably get older and gp to an international school where she will find plenty of other people just like her. Then she will belong to a worldwide community of global nomads all linked by social networks and mutual friends.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

I do think a sense of belonging/ roots is important, but some people disagree. I expect individual personality plays into it. What seems most important to me is not making your nuclear family the child's sole source of stability, comfort and identity.

Do you visit either country of origin? Does she speak/ will she speak both languages, do you plan to imerse her in both popular and other elements of the cultires she originates from (books, stories, traditions, food, music, tv).? Do you have regular contact with extended family on either side?

I'd make sure you emphasise that she has more/ wider roots, rather than none, and just be careful of having an isolationist identity (seeing DD and parents as a little island and "all ahe needs" as when she is older that won't be healthy, esp. if anyone gets ill/ thete are fall outs etc.)

[PlumpPartridge]

I am your DD, aged 32. I live in my mother's home country and have acclimatised over the past 14 years to feel quite at home - married, kids etc. I feel nicely foreign sometimes but it also means I am more likely tommake friends with newcomers to the UK, so I have allovely and varied social circle. She'll be fine :)

[DXBMermaid]

Thanks for all your reactions! Think part of the reason why I have been wondering about is because I loved abroad as a child for a few years and although my parents are both from the same country, when we moved back home I never really completely felt at home again.

But I like the term Nomad. I suppose that is very true for our family, citizens of the world

She is being raised bilingually and we do have contact wity both sides of the family, have books etc from both places as well. We have sort of decided to have an inclusive style of parenting when it comes to culture. So she watches both Peppa pig and Nijntje, will celebrate Christmas, Sinterklaas and Eid.

Mr Tumbles, intersting point about not just depending on the nuclear family. We are very lucky here were we currently live to have friends that are like our family so our DD is lucky to grow up with a motley crew of Aunts and Uncles from all over the world.

[SavoyCabbage]

We are in that situation. Dh and I are from different continents and we live on a third. They are mixed race too which further complicates things.

I know they feel different as we do things differently, we eat different things and we watch different TV and read different books and listen to different music from their friends.

[JoandMax]

My DH was an expat child from the age of 7, he's now 34 and his parents are still abroad, no home in the UK. If someone asks where he's from in the UK he never really knows what to say! It doesn't bother him at all though, although he has itchy feet constantly, always wanting to move and see new places....

We are now overseas too and our DCs were 4.6 and just 3 when we moved. I don't worry more wonder what they will feel as they grow up and where 'home' is. I like to think it will be my parents home maybe? They have a bedroom there, its where we always go to stay, it's so familiar to them. All the family congregate there so I hope that will be enough.

But I feel that the advantages of the life they're having and the experiences and the friends they're making are definitely outwaying any negatives.

[jaynebxl]

I actually wanted my kids to have this experience because I felt it was so positive but for various reasons it isn't right for us right now. I taught so many children in international schools and saw so many advantages that I really wanted the same for my children. Who knows, maybe they still will get it?

[NewbieChewbie]

This is an interesting thread. I actually feel lost at the moment having returned to the UK a year ago to a new area. I may as well be abroad again. The new area thing is so hard. People here have know each other either since they were kids themselves or since their kids were in reception. My kids are 11 and 9. They have made friends are feel settled but we all talk about going overseas again.

I have found coming back to the UK far harder from this perspective than our move half way around the world. I feel like life is a monumental screw up right now.

[jaynebxl]

Newbie I experienced the same when I came to an unfamiliar part of the uk after 11 years abroad. I think part of the problem was that I expected it to feel like coming home and it didn't.

[hellokittymania]

I haven't started a family yet, but have been an expat since age 5 and currently call Vietnam home. That's where my heart is.

[DXBMermaid]

Newbie, isn't it strange how hard it can be to make friends in your own country! Where I'm from it feels like there are set moments to make friends i.e. In reception, in first year of secondary, at uni, at first job, a nct, a primary school gate. If you miss those 'windows' it's really hard. Also my friends back home are always so busy, plan to see each other weeks or even months in advance. Our social life has gotten so much better since becoming expats.
Anyway, I hope you find a kindred spirit soon. Please don't feel like a screw up! It has nothing to do with you. Could you take up a hobby/ do a course and meet some people through that? You will have to actively put yourself out there. Don't worry about being rejected or looking weird. Good luck!!!! Xxx

[NewbieChewbie]

Thanks DXB. It's not so much that I feel a screw up. I think I'm alright! It's more that I feel we have screwed things up. We don't feel at all emotionally invested in where we're living, yet we feel trapped here for around 7 years until DC2 finishes school. I agree that it is easier to make friends / have a social life in a city or an ex-pat type place where there is a turnaround of people.

Anyway, my point is that it's not just the DCs who can miss that sense of belonging.