She got diagnosed with lung cancer at the beginning of the month.
My nan is like a second mum to me. Don't care if this "outs" me but I lived with her for a while when I was a child and my happiest childhood memories are with her.
She saw me get married, saw my two gorgeous boys and loved them and my husband emensely. She is a very straight talking woman but loving, kind and generous with it and a bloody brilliant cook. I got my love of baking from her and she taught me all I know in that area.
She never got to have chemo and the cancer has always been inoperable. She got a chest infection a week ago and on Wednesday she was taken into hospital with suspected fluid on her lungs. She was scanned Thursday which confirmed she did, by Friday night we got the call from my grandad that there was nothing more they could do.
I drove to the hospital from Wales to England last night to see her. It was lovely to see her but awful to see her like she is. I took photos of the boys, she didn't remember ds2 (nearly 6 months) and thought all the photos were of ds1 (4 years). She was confused, struggling to breathe and didn't want to wear her oxygen mask.
I stayed with family overnight and went back to the hospital this morning before coming back to Wales. That will be the last time I see her alive, the last time I speak to her. She can't drink or eat and is so tired. She is in pain and is suffering. I selfishly don't want her to die but will be glad when its done and she's at peace.
The call could be any time. There is nothing more the hospital can do. She can't even have her blood pressure taken as it doesn't register. We are all surprised we didn't get the call last night.
My poor mum and my poor aunt, I can't imagine what they are feeling. I'm numb and devastated at the same time and they are not losing a grandparent, they are losing their mum. My grandad is losing the love of his life. They are still so much in love, the way they were looking at each other in the hospital you can tell they would still do anything for each other.
So here I am, waiting for my phone to ring. Ds2 is too young to be aware but how do I tell ds1 when it happens? He loves his great grandmother so much.
I haven't cried. I'm numb. I want to cry but the tears don't come. I'm stuck in a state of disbelief. I'm on antidepressants due to PND and wonder if that's why I haven't cried.
Lung cancer is vicious. It has taken less than a month to consume her and its a horrendous, traumatic and painful way to go. I just can't get my head around the fact I will never see her again.
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Life-limiting illness
Just had to say goodbye to my nan....
19 replies
hugandroll · 27/10/2012 19:56
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