Early signs? Or just admiration?

[ClareaBear]

Hi all

My DC will be 11 in June. Ever since she was really young she seems to have had a real admiration for beautiful women. When I say "beautiful", I don't mean they are facially absolutely stunning. But she seems really drawn to very elegant, demure actresses/singers etc. She had pictures of Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie on her walls when she was 5 years old when most of her friends had cartoon characters or Hannah Montana! And she always thought Bree from Desperate Housewives (Marcia Cross) was some kind of goddess!

I remember when she was 6 years old there was an advert on TV for pizza. It was one of those kind of sensual and very elegantly done adverts: a beautiful brunette lady and her boyfriend eating their pizza over looking Rome. She turned to me and said "he is so lucky that he can be with her!!" I also remember when she watched Titanic for the first time, she said "I'm jealous of Jack, Rose is so pretty!" Also anyone remember the Dior advert with Nicole Kidman? She'd watch that over and over again on youtube.

She's never had any younger celebs are role models, so Hannah Montana, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato etc, like many girls her age. and a few years back how it would have been The Olsen Twins/Hilary Duff etc. She also adores The Duchess of Cambridge and keeps all newspaper pages with her in it.
When she was in reception I remember her really admiring the "older girls"..so the 11 year olds in year 6. Now she's at secondary school she seems to really look up to the 6th form girls. Whenever we are watching a movie she will always comment on the actresses over the actors, but it's always along the lines of "wow she's beautiful" or "I love her hair" or "I hope I look like that when I grow up!"

So I guess I'm asking, are these signs that she may be bi-sexual/ gay? Or does she simply admire women? She certainly shows an interest in boys too, she adores Nial from One Direction and I over heard her and her friends talk about which member of Union J they would most like to kiss and she was very involved in the conversation. But she did tell me that at school the girls were playing a game where they created the "perfect man" by taking someone's head and putting it onto someone else's body and she said she found it really boring after about 5 minutes but her friends were all really into it. But I've never heard her talk about women in any sort of sexual way, nor have I ever found anything on the family laptop showing she has been exploring her sexuality.

She's had her fair share of little playground boyfriends! done all the marriages with Haribo rings etc. She seems to have a bit of a crush on a year 8 boy at the moment who she's talked about a few times. And I guess it's the fact that she is so drawn to the "demure" sophisticated ladies that makes me think maybe it is just admiration, not sexual? It's not like she is glued to all the very sexual music videos around these days nor does she seem too fussed watching tv/movies when women dress in a certain way..it's just the elegance she seems to be drawn to.

Anyway sorry for the long post!! It goes without saying if she was gay/bi it wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I hope she knows that. I just find it interesting how her role models are the Nicole Kidman's out there when all her friends love the teen/early 20s celebs

[ClareaBear]

oops just realised I wrote DC, meant to have said DD but I'm sure that is obvious anyway! lol

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think its quite normal at this age. Although I was a tom boy and not into admiring girls I knew who was considered pretty by the boys and who the other girls tried to emulate.
from what I can gather most of my friends from school were straight when they were older.

[MicrochipsAndMemories]

seriously? Don't try to label her.

[ClareaBear]

MicrochipsAndMemories I'm not trying to "label" her at all..I'm just interested more than anything. I'd much rather she saw Angelina Jolie as a role model over Miley Cyrus or Rihanna! It's just interesting to me that she's the only little girl I've known who has these role models and is so in awe of these women... so am a bit taken a back by your response.

morethanpotatoprints yes that's the funny thing she never talks about "pretty girls" at school, it's only these much older, sophisticated actresses! She will talk about the boys at school, never the girls.

[InOtherNews]

I think there's loads to this - it's really nice that you're so aware of her feelings, and don't sound as though you've stifled them in any way - she obviously feels like there is nothing 'wrong' in saying these things and feels comfortable enough to say them to you, which I think is really lovely.

But don't forget, she's only 11! You certainly seem to have analysed it a lot and I wonder if you're really very anxious about it? Could it also be that you're displaying confirmation bias by being acutely aware of comments made about women? I know you said she does comment on boys too, but just a thought.

FWIW, I am gay, and despite it being a while since I was 11, I do remember doing some of this. I also remember being desperate to not be gay, and I read a lot about how in the past, 'crushes' that girls used to have on other girls in an admiring way, as you say, were regarded as being quite 'normal' (whatever 'normal' is). I remember being so relieved to read that because I thought it meant I wasn't gay.

It could be that she is just going through one of these 'crushes' (I refrain from using the word 'phase'!!). As you say, it could be admiration and commenting on how she likes so-and-so's hair or looks doesn't necessarily follow that she is gay, more wanting to look like them. I think it's important to note though that I wasn't interested in those awful overtly sexual music videos of women in bikinis or whatever else - and still aren't, so don't assume that gay or bisexual women are going to be attracted to these and this type of portrayal of women - I actually find it very unattractive.

It's also likely she's just trying to figure out where she fits in the world, in an environment where most of her friends are going to be obsessed with boy bands. The one thing I would really think is important is to keep those channels of communication open. I felt very alone and secretive about it, but she obviously doesn't feel like that, and that really is a wonderful thing that she will value, regardless of her sexuality. I really hope this helps. You are obviously a very concerned parent and it's lovely to hear that it doesn't matter to you. Just realised how long this post is - sorry!

[peppajay]

I read this post with interest as when u was a teenager I never fancied boys always women or celebrity women. I had a huge crush in kylie and my head of year at school who was a glamourous woman in her 30's. I never had a boyfriend till I was 23 but never had a girlfriend either. I think I just looked up to these woman and wanted to being them. Although I am now married to a man there is no huge passion there yes I love him and sex is good but never been mind blowingly good and to be honest don't know if it ever would be with anyone. Still have a girl crush on kylie and if she asked I would!! My brother is gay and my dads two cousins and suspicions my son is hence why am in this forum. I do wonder sometimes if I am secretly gay and just in denial but I am happily married and don't have any desires to be with a woman so just think I admired beautiful woman and still do! HTH xx

[Devora]

We live in a society that fetishises and eroticises women's appearance to a very high degree. Women - and children - get these messages as well as men. So at 11, when you're not usually into sexual desire, but you're beginning to understand and explore sexual attraction, as well as developing your ideas about what a 'successful' female is, it's not surprising that she should be testing out some of her emerging/evolving feelings on these female icons.

Some theorists argue that this this early training in objectifying women's beauty is why women's sexuality is much more fluid than men's.

Your daughter has great taste and will probably grow up to be a very classy dame. But I really don't think what you describe is necessarily leading to lesbianism. I am lesbian, by the way, so I'm not scared of the concept and I do believe some 11 year olds have quite obvious sexual identities. But I feel that in this case what your daughter is doing is clearly articulating in her own way something that is part of growing up in our culture.