Coming out as asexual

[TrianglesAreMyFavouriteShape]

Hello

I'm a teenager and I'm pretty sure of my asexuality. I came out to one friend the other day, and she was really accepting, but I would like to come out to other people, especially my parents, because asexuals need more representation in the media - many people do not even realise that we exist - and activism is something I'd like to get involved with.

However, as I'm sure you'd understand, I am nervous about coming out to my parents, and was wondering how you would react if your 16 y/o daughter told you she was asexual.

(I don't know how much everyone here knows about asexuality, so for those who have not heard of it, asexuals are people who do not experience sexual attraction. More info at www.asexuality.org/home/ )

[ItsQuiteHardtocomeupwithaname]

To be honest if I felt like that as a teen I wouldn't say anything as I don't think you can fully know who you are until you are an adult.

[delilahbelle]

That seems unfair Its - many gay people say they knew from very early on, so why would an asexual not know?

[CaptainJamesTKirk]

Excuse my ignorance but is being asexual something you need to 'come out' with or discuss with your parents? I doubt it is something your parents will necessarily understand (even if you are sure) and will probably assume it's a phase.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Way to be supportive people!

I know someone who is asexual. They want all the closeness of a relationship just none of the sex.

Personally it wouldn't bother me at all. I would maybe be sad for you that you would miss out on that sexual attraction, but I would accept it with no problem.

[CaptainJamesTKirk]

Yes we know what asexual means...

But what I was just saying is (and again excuse my ignorance - I am heterosexual and have never had to come out)... that do your parents need to be informed in the way a homosexual person might feel the need to inform their parents?

Genuinely unsure if a parent needs this explaining to them... Form your relationships and whether you want to be sexual or not with your partner is really not your parent's business. I think they will find it very hard I understand and are likely to consider it a phase.

If you do want to be open with them about it and try to make them understand then sit them down and explain how you feel.

[CaptainJamesTKirk]

Hopefully a parent with experience of this will come on this thread and advise you.

[onetiredmummy]

I think your question is in 2 parts OP. I'm the mother of boys so can't reply from the position of having a daughter. I think your asexuality is your own business & your parents don't really need to know, however if you are thinking of activism then its possible they may learn from other sources & I can see why you would want to tell them first.

So as a parent, firstly, I would be relieved as there are lots of teen sex related issues that would no longer be an issue with my daughter. No teen pregnancies, no pregnancy scares, no promiscuity etc etc. However I would also be a little sad as like it or not, sex is a major part of being a mammal & it provides enjoyment/relaxation/comfort to a lot of people. Of course those things can be obtained elsewhere but sex is generally regarded as a basic human need & there is a reason for that.

I may also have questions around future children & future marriage. I personally know no men who would be happy with a no sex relationship so it limits your choices of partner & as a parent I would be concerned that you would be unhappy & lonely more often.

Secondly its not enough for you to be asexual OP, you wish to make knowledge of it more widespread & you wish to get involved with activism. Not a problem with that per se, but I worry that you are a teenager & would be more hurt than others, as the general perception may be that you are 'weird'. People will regard you as different & perhaps even wrong, & I would worry that a teen doesn't have the emotional barriers necessary to deflect that as an older person would. If you wish to come out as asexual, then there will be criticism directed at you & hurtful things said, as you mark yourself out as different & some people would have a negative reaction to that. Plus no doubt there will be teen males who will boast about 'changing' you & 'making you normal' & perhaps you will attract more attention from promiscuous men who otherwise would have left you alone had you not been such a challenge.

Also I'm assuming your parents are reasonable people & are not bigoted about sexuality to begin with :)

I fully support your decision to live as an asexual & to campaign for greater knowledge, but I imagine that many people won't be understanding. I wish you luck OP & I hope that you live as you wish & you are happy :)

[phoolani]

I'd be fine with it if you we're my daughter, though a part of me would be wondering why you're telling me; if you we're gay, straight or bisexual, I wouldn't expect you to tell me what you got up to sexually, so I wouldn't really expect you to tell me that you were getting up to nothing at all sexually, either! But if you feel a need to tell people, then you should; only you can gauge how your parents will react and make the decision as to whether your desire to tell them outweighs your desire to be open about it. And yes, as we old people like to say, you might change your mind and become very sexual indeed, but you can always tell your parents that, too. I'm interested, though, in what kind of activism you'd like to get into?

[snowbuddy]

I think if you want to come out to your parents or to describe how you are feeling then you should do so. You are probably feeling a bit lonely coming to terms with your sexuality and if you have a good relationship with your parents their support might be invaluable. I know of a couple of other young people who began to realise they were asexual. They eventually disclosed this to their parents and it has been a relief to both parents and their daughters to be able to talk about their worries. However, these young women were in their 20's by the time they were sure about this. Similarly my son was in his 20's before he was sure that he was gay. He suspected so from about age 17.

I'm glad you have a good friend who you have been able to talk to. Is there a member of staff at your school whom you could talk to as well e.g. a student counsellor?

Take care