Parents' Reactions to Kids Coming Out

[Marshmallow2166]

Hello :)

I'm not a parent - I'm a 15 year old boy, so I probably shouldn't be on here lol.
I figure this is probably the best place to ask this, so.

I was outed to my parents by a woman in my school who my parents were talking to about an issue I had with one of my teachers. Their reaction was not the best, to be honest.

They were angry at me for not telling them, and told me it was just a phase, that I was too young to know (I was 13 or 14 at the time) and other things along these lines.

I am quite happily out with my friends and people in my school, they've all been wonderfully supportive.

Firstly, I would urge all parents reading this to not react in the way mine did (for obvious reasons) and to not say (as mine did) that you want grandchildren. I can understand parents' desire for grandchildren, but having gay kids does not mean you won't have any. :)

Secondly, I'm not really sure if my parents know that I'm gay -I think they still think it was just a phase or something. I'm intending to bring it back up with them at a later date. What do you think would be the best way to do this?

Thank you :) x

[madhattershouse]

They may like to think it is a "phase" but in their hearts the may have known for a while! Are you an only child? I am not being funny but the chance od grandchildren is less with gay children. If they love you they will come round..you are still their child. I would be really proud, it takes a lot to "come out", you must be a strong person!

[madhattershouse]

Sorry forgot to say that if they are having trouble dealing with it then just let it be for few days..they may need the time. The one thing you can't do is leave it like it is. If you are gay then it is better that you let them know tht this is not a "phase" soon! Give them some cooling off time then try again. Good luck!

[Raeofsunshine]

I think more than anything your parents are worried about you and future. It's hard to hear that your child is gay especially when you it comes from someone else. I can only imagine that your parents thought you didn't trust them enough to tell them yourself. Which is probably far from the truth but without communication, mature communication (on both sides) you will struggle to understand where each other is coming from.
The best advice i can give you is to talk with your parents and also to listen to what they say. Be prepared to get a hard time from them quite simply because they love you and want the best for you and be prepared to openly explain your choices and your plans for the future to help them stop worrying. And also be prepared to tell them how much you need them and how much you want them to understand and love you for who you are, that you'll always be their child because being gay hasn't changed the person you are.
But as the earlier poster said, they probably already know you're gay especialy your mum.
Take good care of you and remember to live the best life you can to make you happy and your parents proud. Go have that talk.

[PoodleShyt]

My sister is gay, she came "out" at 16. She didn't come "out" as such but I done the terrible thing of outing her myself when I discovered love letters from other girls confirming suspicions everyone had. I was 17. My dad did not mind but my mum was upset and angry, my mums family were very nasty about it and shamefully I found it all very funny at the time.

My mum started to do the same as your parents and saying it was a "phase" right up until her early twenties, but I feel the parents who say that are in denial and do not wish to accept the fact. You said they see it as not "carrying on the family by having grandchildren" and such but those possibilities are still there even as a gay or a lesbian who can be just as good parents too! But it did get better for my sister as it will for you. They are your parents and love you unconditionally. Give them some space to get their heads round it and then try bringing up the topic again, perhaps with a more sensitive family member or even a teacher to help explain things to your parents.

I am ashamed of outing my sister like I did and the names I called her but it didn't took me long to accept that is who she is and she is now a gay icon (Lady Sov)!

[dontellimpike]

My son outed himself to me when he was 15 - but I had known for a long time. He has the most enchanting personality and I never wanted him to be anything other than what he is. My only concern was the attitudes of some other people, but in the end, that is something he has to deal with. No problems with the rest of the family - brother, cousins, dad, grandma all love him.

He is interested in becoming a father (much more so than my hetero son) so I don't rule out the possibility of grandchildren - but that is up to him, not me.

I hope that your parents will be supportive of you.

[Iskandar64]

dontelimpike - parents always worry for their children, especially if they are a bit different. You understand this and allow you son to be the person he is, so many others do not, even today. The best thing you can to is to allow him to grow as you are doing. But like all children we strive for independance as we grow up. The knocks are something gay people like me just have to deal with, it makes us stronger and find our place in the world.

[fortyplus]

Marshmallow2166 - I'm mum to two boys of 16 and 18. Both are straight as far as I know but I think most parents are concerned about anything that might make their children's lives difficult. Your parents' apparent anger was probably down to the shock of their discovery and their fears for your future happiness.

They've now had a year or two to see that you're happy, well adjusted and mature. I'm sure that whenever you choose to raise the subject again their reaction will be calmer and more understanding.

When we were young, homosexuality had only been legal for a few years! It's wonderful that young perople today have more opportunity to be honest about their sexuality.

Good luck telling your parents x

[LineRunner]

I'm really angry on your behalf that someone from school 'outed' you.

Good grief. That must have been hurtful.

I agree with you that being gay certainly no longer means not having children. Good luck.

[sassyandsixty]

My son (now my daughter) only came out to us parents when she was totally sure about who she was and that was probably for the best. However, it did hurt that she hadn't been able to confide in us in the years leading up to this point and that she felt she couldn't trust us to react in a good, caring way. But she probably did the right thing - I probably would have told her it was just a 'phase' (where did this nutty concept come from??! it can't be a 'phase' if it's that serious can it?). None of us parents want the difficult path for our kids - that's only natural, so we are likely to go into denial. Life's hard enough as it is. Good luck - they love you - whatever and forever. Keep it light when you talk to them maybe? And maybe remind them that grandkids are not a given but a bonus.

[ConfusedBlue3]

I am a 16 year old girl and for the past two years have been thinking that I might be gay. I don't think that I'm ready to tell anyone yet in RL because I am still worried that it might be a phase (even though I have never been attracted to boys/men), but I feel like I am not being truthful with my friends and family and am really uncomfortable when anyone brings up crushes or asks if I have a boyfriend. Nobody has asked me if I am gay and I don't think that anyone could guess as I am quite feminine. Any advice as I feel so confused like I am not being myself and lying to everyone.