Maltesers - I have been in this situation fwiw (low income, single parent) but I have never had the attitude that I cannot work more hours in order not to affect my benefits. I worked more hours in order to develop skills and get a better job in order to get off benefits.

I do not understand you anger with your XP tbh. You knew the money was going to stop at some point.

<faints>

Yes, I swore - woe is me and my vocabulary. Don't worry though sweetie, you won't need grammar for flipping burgers!

All sounds a bit odd to me.

I would take the chance to negotiate some ground rules with DD and explain that she will have to contribute for her bed and board while at home, regardless if she is getting the maintenence money direct she will have other money she will have to take control of and budget with. I know it is hard but I would try to look at this as a positive thing and sit her down and look at get her to look at her finances now that she is a fully fledged adult, and as a adult she has to accept the responsibilities that adult hood bring.

I think going to the CSA over this is a very, very, very bad idea.

And you really need to get more hours at work or another side job if your boyfriend is also unemployed.

oooohhh dear....lack of vocabulary SKIHORSE, there is no need to swear !! so disgustingly common....

I think going to the CSA at this point is a really really bad idea.

But I don't think the attitude of maltesers DD is unusual - I see similar in plenty of teenagers these days - I had jobs from when I was about 12 (paper run) then got proper job at weekends and after school at 16 - but when I mention that to most teenagers I know they scoff at me!

On the other hand, it could just be down to a misunderstanding about which end of the summer holiday maintenance should be paid until.
If this is simply the case, I'm not surprised going at him all guns blazing isn't provoking as prompt a response as you expect.

maltesers - you need to inform both XP/XH & DD that maintenance needs to be paid via you for the last 6 weeks, otherwise:

1. DD will be charged it in rent & keep.
If she refuses to pay up, you can refuse to do anything else for her in return, including keeping a roof over her head!
It's not her fault XH has changed the arrangement but she doesn't have to play along.

OR

2. the CSA will be informed.
Whatever he's paying to DD may well be counted as "pocket money" and he also may well end up having to cough up twice.

Either way, from DD's first day of term, he's not legally obliged to pay anything so if he will be, give him credit for that at least.

Whatever's happened in the past, for your own sake, please try to give up the bitterness you've harboured over his income for however many years - it's clearly not doing you any good.

Furthermore, if your boyfriend is also unemployed I'll assume that ONE of you can get a bloody job and stop scrounging.

So you've been expecting your ex husband to support your daughter, your new partner AND a child which isn't his? Sweet. No wonder your world is crashing down.

maltesers my boyfriend is also currently unemployed. Guess who goes to work and pays the fucking bills? Yep, that's right - I do! So don't come fucking high and mighty with me.

I hope you don't think my post was nasty, maltesers. I was just confused about your £4k. As mrsjammi says, I suppose that must be an income from work you already do. Your posts, however, imply that you could work more but don't think there's any point. I'm sure there is! I'm sure you would be better off financially if you did! You would still get some benefits.

In any case though, from what people are saying here, your dd is now an adult so her maintenance is no longer due to you. That changes everything for you. You need to do some investigating about what your entitlements now are, and how you could better things for yourself.

Maybe it's not as simple as all that, i was always a simple case, a single mum with no partner to pay anything, so i've always been eligible for the full amount of anything i could claim. So forgive me if i'm being incredibly naive or something...

and my DH is one of those who stopped paying for his DD in the September when she hit 18, she stopped seeing him, expecting him to pay her pocket money by DD (which really galled me, she was welcome to it, but not by electronic transfer), without so much as a monthly phone call, and when we were building up debt at the rate of knots she and her mother expected DH to pay for her while she took a year out to "bum around", I thought, and DH agreed, not.

I would have been willing for DH to help her in uni, travel, etc, no matter how much we struggled but not to pay for her to do nothing, you DH is factually wrong, although the CSA do not get involved in maintenance for children her age, he should pay you til September, but it is for you to try - probably believe me I know, pointlessly, to get DD to help you.

maltesers, I have some sympathy and some disputes with your posts, I know exactly how hard it is to make a late teen do anything, DSS was earning £800/month last school year and not paying a penny into the house, nor helping with housework.

Now he is 18 we want £50 a week rent (out of £200 - £250 a week take home) and he sees that as horrendous, but we are insisting and the only reason we are able to get it is because he is hopeless with finances and DH looks after all his money and has access to his bank accounts.

When he pissed me off too much - by being lazy, mean, refusing to buy Christmas presents, I would respond by refusing to do anything for him, I (and DH) would stop cooking for him, cleaning, washing etc, he soon found it easier to co-operate than spend his money on macdonalds and take aways every night, but he still needs forcing to help aroud the house at all.

On the other hand, income of £4250 is clearly before benefits/housing benefit/tax credits etc, I am sure that your actual income, including all benefits, is probably a lot more.

I understand also the poverty trap that makes it impossible to be better off working, I have seen with my own eyes people with young children taking in the equivalent of £1350 a month without working, once you include every benefit, including council tax benefit, and I know there is no way they could earn that much, but you do need to consider when your youngest hits 18 a lot of the benefits will stop and you will have to consider extra work, it may be easier to train now than then.

golly, all this FYI stuff. calm down.

supposition of the highest order - i was merely pointing out the extensive research that had been done in the trials and tribulations of army spouses attempting to enter the job market - through constant moves/ unpredictable dh working hours/ absences etc.

unfortunately by your testy response, it would appear that you had no such reason to prevent you working at that point and it must have been a lifestyle choice.

(that's me being facetious btw)

i'm not accusing you of fraud. i'm just saying, your dd is an adult. your xh no longer has to pay you maintenance. deal with it. your reaction to the fact he no longer has to pay maintenance to you is not logical, given your adherance to the 'rules' and your 'entitlements'.

six weeks is going to make very little difference. i had to pay my mum housekeeping. get your dd to. and get over yourself.

I declare ALL my income to the Council and am legally by law and on paper eligible for this financial support from the government.
When i was marred to my DDs' father he had left the army and was on a low income in his forst job in Civvy Street. We lived in a one bedroom flat in Balham, south london. He drank and smoked a lot of our income FYI.

maltesers - i think most people are just surprised that you seem to be incandescent with rage that your dd's father is no longer going to be paying you maintenance now that she is an adult...

i know it's six weeks early, but surely you knew it was coming?

i think if your op had been 'oh bum, he's stopping maintenance and i'm really skint, does anyone have any ideas as to how i can re-organise my finances/ check my benefits entitlement/ whatever', it might have been better received.

slagging off a guy for sending money to his adult daughter, whatever sort of a bind it puts you in personally, was always a subject that needed careful handling, particularly when some readers would be struggling to bring up children with no maintenance being paid at all.

maybe take a deep breath and start trying to think logically about how you intend to manage from now on without the money you are no longer entitled to? i think that would probably help you more than ranting on here tbh.

W>H>A>T ? FYI my boyfriend is presently unemployed and looking for work. He nor myself would EVER do something so illegal. I am legit. in receipt of Housing Benefit and dont need to justify my situation. What is this Mumsnet...or Bitch net. ????? Thought this web site was meant to be supportive..not nasty..SKI|HORSE
You make me very cross GETORFMOILAND....if i worked every hour of the week as a Fitness instructor in a gym it would not pay the rent. I have an 8 year old to support as well as my 18 year old and on £4000-£5000 per annum its very hard. The law says i am eligible for Housing Benefit... and Child Tax credits and Child Benefit......but if you have never been in this difficult situation you wouldnt have a clue what you are talking about. And that goes for any one else who is financially secure and married with a DH who has a job. These last few posts have made me want to give up with this site...

No doubt her partner also lives there - undeclared of course...

Pay your own rent - sorry, but you too are being lazy, along with your daughter. So what if the housing benefit reduces - thats good. Shows you are supporting yourself and over time when your earnings increase, promotions etc you will be better off. What on the earth has the country come to when people expect benefits to keep them even when they can work to pay for it themselves. (I sound like a DM reader - runs out of the house in shame). You need to set an example for your children.

By maltesers on Wed 08-Jul-09 11:37:56
The more i earn , the more gets taken off Housing Benefit...Catch 22

No, it's not a catch 22. You can actually earn money and pay all your rent.

Think yourself lucky that you have recieved maintenance. Loads of parents do not recieve a penny.

whilst i realise it's not entirely relevant, i'm very drawn to the original facts concerning your xh. i am assuming you were married during the 'cavalry officer' phase of his life and became accustomed to a rather different standard of living than you are now experiencing. were you working at all during that time? the difficulties of being an army spouse and entering the job market have been documented in a vast amount of research, but i would have thought that the 'soft' skills you picked up during that period in terms of organising, administration, event planning and hosting would have contributed enormously to your confidence and general employability, as well as bumping your determination to do something for yourself, rather than remain financially reliant upon someone else. but no mean feat to actually achieve that, and only confidence in your own abilities and sheer force of will could have got you out of that hole - with a small family you were potentially more reliant on his maintenance than when you were living under his roof.

so you have my sympathy, but ultimately i think you have to let the money/ xh thing go now. he no longer has to pay, and the fact he is continuing to do so is now an issue between you and your daughter, not between you and him.

i suspect the reason he is paying the money directly to his daughter is that he knows how tight money is in your home, and wants to be sure that the money he is paying to support his daughter and enable her to continue her education is actually getting to her, rather than being subsumed into the household budget and endangering her continued education. but this is speculation of the highest order, obviously.

i would let the next 6 weeks ride and send your daughter off to uni to become an adult. ask her for her keep, or give her the option for paying for her own stuff, but don't let it sour this last month or so before your dd flies the nest. it's pointless - and i doubt that the csa or your x are going to listen to your fury.

wishing your daughter the very best for her studies, and her first 'real life' experiences as an adult paying her own way. and i wish you and your new partner the very best in organising your future finances without the financial support of your xh.

I'm reading this with interest, can remember me & my dsis's late teens very clearly. What did all of your parents do with/for you at that age and what did it teach you?

I too feel strongly that a young adult needs to learn to stand on their own two feet and take responsibility for themselves and not take the piss, but I think to cut off the OP's dd completely would be sending her the wrong message. My parents managed to teach me lessons of independence while still letting me know that they were there to support me if i needed it.

When I was 18 I had finished A Levels & chose not to go to uni, I bummed around for a couple of months, funded by my parents, until they made me go sign on and insisted that I did something even if it was voluntary work. My mum got me in touch with somebody and I volunteered for 10 months (signing on at the same time), then got a full time paid job at same place -a couple of years later i was a manager there.

It was one of the most important lessons my parents taught me - they didn't chuck me out or stop supporting me (I didn't give them any money towards anything, but then they weren't skint like you), but they did make me see I was taking the piss just bumming around at theirs and insist I did something with my life. I remember the exact simple phrase my mum gave me: "We just can't continue funding your social life for you while you do nothing!"

However, your DD is going to uni, she's not just bumming around like I was. She's doing something with her life, and going to uni will teach her those lessons anyway I should hope (or is that very naive of me?!), she's going to have to be independent etc, and her dad's money will help her.

Meanwhile, you need to be realistic with your dd about what you can & can't support her with. she will still be getting the money from her dad, so explain to her that you will be unable to give her as much because she now has that money? And hopefully, you only need to worry about the logistics of this for the next 6 weeks, once she's at uni she's responsible for herself surely...

BTW I'm totally confused about your income. At first I thought that you were working part time and your income was £4k PLUS your benefits etc? But now I'm thinking you're saying that you get £4k altogether full stop. That simply doesn't make sense to me. I earn £10k from work, and my net salary is the same as my rent (and it's cheap for where i live)! I get another £10k on top of that in benefits & tax credits, and there's only 1 dd, and i'm skint as it is!! There is a minimum amount they say you can live on, not including your rent & child care costs, and £4k surely can't even cover your rent??!! If what you say about your income is right, something must have surely gone wrong there -although perhaps they discount what your ex gives you? (I get nothing from dd's dad).

And I have had the job centre swear blind to me - and prove it actually, in my case anyway - that one is better off earning even a small amount than remaining completely on benefits, even if it's only by a small amount. So if you're staying out of work for that reason alone, it's not really justified. Besides, even if it doesn't make much difference, surely it's better that you're earning your money from working than from benefits, for all sorts of reasons???

Well, I had friends whose parents charged them rent to come home in the holidays from uni. I'm not sure it was a wise thing to do, but if you want to do that then you could. What it tends to mean is that they then stay away as much as they possibly can, often in student houses which they have rented for the year.

I'm not completely sure why you can't ask for a contribution from her for those six weeks?

This isn't actually about your Ex being unreasonable. This is more about the fact that you can't arrange money matters amicably with your daughter. I'd work on that if i were you.

Perhaps she sees that the state keep you and thats were her financial sense comes from.

Yes, the more you earn the less benefits you get but surely pride should be an issue rather than working the bare minimum so that taxpayers support you.

You seem very bitter that your ex has a good lifestyle but I presume he works hard for that lifestyle so why begrudge it. If you want the extra holidays or larger house then you need to change your life rather than moan about it.

Your DD is now an adult, who is very lucky to have financial support from her dad as she goes to uni. Hopefully by getting the money direct she will soon learn to budget - if she doesnt, then she may have to learn the hard way.

She is an adult-it is only reasonable that the money goes to her direct. My DS got a pension from his father's employers (father died)-from his 18th birthday it went into his bank account and not mine-it is the way these things work.

I am stunned. It is not up to the state or your ex-partner to bankroll your existence.

I think you're incredibly lucky that your ex is helping fund the further education of BOTH children.

Welcome back to the real world sweetheart - maybe it's time you got your arse on a till at Tesco?

Charge her 'keep' then - at least you know she has the money to do that.

She is an adult now and you are doing her no favours by treating her otherwise. She DOES need to pay a contribution towards her keep, I would assume that her father expect her to start doing this now.

He doesn't need to pay maintanence at all once she reaches 18 anyway, does he?

I can understand what you say about your daughter not realising she is an adult yet though. (I am a secondary school teacher!). I do think your ex has made it uneccessarily difficult for you.

Have you talked to her about this yet and uni finances in general? I would think that she needs to see in black and white what the household income is and what things cost, and that you simply cannot afford to support her without her father's contribution and she must step in now. She may surprise you. I think your ex really should have helped you by explaining this to her, too.

I didn't pay my Dad and his wife keep during uni holidays etc but I certainly did all my own washing and bought groceries for the house.

He hasnt been much of a father at all....too busy attending to his very important social whirl and holidays galore without kids. He has been ashit dad actually....main reason why i left him, plus he was horrible to me ...
Thanks for opinions and advice guys !!

Good luck with it all Maltesers. I have been fortunate to have never have been in such a situation but it sounds tough. There's always lots of 'subtext' going on , guilt stuff, revenge stuff, and well, anger in any family breakdown, isn't there, and that has an effect on how things are, and how inter-relationships work.

Also I agree with the poster who said how different her 3 DCs are despite their identical upbringing. A DD's behaviour isn't necessarily the single mum's fault!...And funny how we like to take credit for our perfectly behaved child, yet 'society' is always to blame for the one who's drug addicted!

And I have to say I DID get wound up by the suggestion the father is a good bloke doing his bit by supporting his own DD at all! THAT'S from the camp that says 'You should be grateful, MY ex gives nothing at all' , like that makes his short-changing forgivable!

MY penny's worth-and that's all it is! -would be to perhaps have a grown-up to grown-up chat with DD and spell out the financial situation, to explain that she cannot be a financial passenger anymore because the back up money (for you) simply isn't there any more, it's in DD's back pocket!

Finally, it's my understanding that our weird tax and benefit system DOES penalise those who try and earn that BIT more so you can easily fall into that void of being financially worst off as you lose benefits.

She doesnt have much of a relationship with her Dad.. he hs not nutured that, sadly. Will try to get her to contribute..eg buy her own food.

The more i earn , the more gets taken off Housing Benefit...Catch 22

If at all possible it would be worth trying to agree a rent/costs figure with your daughter now because it's not just this 6 weeks, there will presumably be christmas holidays, easter holidays, summer holidays, reading weeks etc where she will be at home over the 3 years of uni.

Or if she won't even agree to a minimal sum then can she stay with her Dad instead?

slayerette,
I agree too
BUT - the dd in question has never had to contribute, and to make her as soon as she turns 18 seems like throwing her in at the deep end (no life-guarding pun intended ).
Yes, encourage her to work, yes ask for some housekeeping money - instills life skills in budgeting etc
BUT, expecting her to instantly take up the slack from the father just seems wrong.
Is there any reason why OP can't work?

Agree with morningpaper as well

Malteser's dd is working as a lifeguard. I bet she could get some additional shifts if she wanted to, the pools round here are always short and using "casual" staff.

purpleduck - posters aren't suggesting that the OP treat her daughter like an unwelcome guest. They're merely suggesting that she tries to instil some sense of responsibility and maturity into her DD. I don't think requiring an adult child to make some financial contribution to their upkeep is unreasonable; I feel very strongly that allowing them to believe that they do not have to mature into responsible, independent, self-reliant young adults is unreasonable.

just what i was going to ask mp..why if things are so tough are you not working? fair enough if you have real obstacles, but really not much of an example to get your dd to contribute is it if you're all reliant on other people.

Also without wanting to be rude, I'm not sure why there are four (?) of you living on benefits alone? Now might be a really good time to re-evaluate things... look for new training, get some advice. If you have no qualifications or experience then places like MIND often offer free careers/training advice, and might be a good place to start.

> lives in a huge Manor House on a farm of 26.000 acres

I think you need to ask your DH to find her a small job on his farm for the summer holidays, and he can support her during this time. Explain that she needs to learn about budgeting and looking after herself and you haven't got anywhere with this, and ask for his help in sorting this out for two months.

I don't know why she isn't working TBH, surely most teenagers work during weekends and holidays?? Especially if their father has opportunities for them!

maltesers i haven't read all the post so sorry if repeating anything.
I take it your dd has just left college and is going to uni sept.Has soon as a child/adult of 18 leaves full time college they become a non dependent.Meaning if you are on benefit i.e income support,child tax credits you can no longer claim for them.They (in your case dd)have to support themselves by getting a job or claiming JSA.
Not 100% sure about child maintenance but i think that also stops unless the payee decides to carry on paying.But if it was payed to you it would be took off any benefits you claim.
HTH

I am shocked at everyone saying that the dd should get a job and support herself, and just be cut off. I hate that kind of thinking - the "oh they are 18, I'm cutting them off". They are your CHILDREN not unwelcome guests.
And then the OP says that SHE can't earn anything as it gets taken off Housing Benefit. ARE YOU FOR REAL?? Did I miss something (and I apologise if I have). Can the OP not work? And if his maintenence amount gets taken off housing benefit, then just inform housing that the maintenence will stop, and presumably the payment will go back up...
I absolutely am in favour of teens getting a job, but they are looking for short term work, and are in competition with many many others who have more experience.

And is this maintenence - as in child support...or maintenence

But he hasn't stopped paying maintenance - his 18 year old daughter will be paid it. Your issue needs to be with your daughter and not your ex.

That said you now have the time to sort out your own benefit situation as your daughter will now presumably become a nondependent. Joys of another HB form I'm afraid.

Don't forget to have a full discussion with the tax credits people as well. I see lots of families get screwed over because they continue to claim tax credits in the final year of schooling for too long.

It sounds like as he has been happy to pay directly to you without fail since she was 4, that he has made himself aware of the rules around this and has stopped the payments just as soon as he is required to.

I just wonder whether him paying your dd directly now means that he is trying to give her the opportunity to start to budget for herself before she goes to university, and I wonder whether he is thinking that she will make up the difference, or at least some of it, to you by paying her way for this last 6 weeks.

It isn't his fault if you won't "make" her pay her way. He may well be sitting there thinking "well that's down to her" (ie you) if you don't make her and as far as he's concerned he's fulfilled his obligation and is continuing to support his dd.

I'm not convinced that he's doing anything wrong here.

Not read the whole thread but just thought I would let you know that if your DD is going into further education or university then you should receive maintenance payments until the end of the school year that she turns 19.

when you ex supports his adult daughter and sends her money directly, i really dont think it is relevant that he drives and audi and shops in waitrose.

feel free to give him a piece of your mind though... it will probably go in 1 ear and out the other

I ALWAYS declared it YERTBLURT...and still do; and that amount is deducted from my Housing Benefit every month.
However, the new law now states that Child Maintenance is not taken into consideration when getting Housing Benefit.
My DD declare it ?? Will speak to her about that.
N>B> I received Julys' Money from him , but from August on he is sending the money to her.
I do know for a fact HATWOMAN..that my DDs' step mother has poisoned my DDs' mind against me all these years, cos DD tells me what she says to her. Its VERY hurtful. However, thats another story !
i am going to contact the CSA...and if they dont do anything i will in the end , if nothing else give my Ex DH a piece of my mind. He is short changing me £300 for 6 weeks and he is on his 3rd holiday this year, drives around in a large Audi estate and shops in Waitrose. My DD says their shopping trips there end up around £260 ...ggrrhh!

How do you know that she hasn't declared it?

Hang on, you are on benefits and you were getting cheques from the ex for child maintenance for the last 15-odd years ... haven't you been breaking the law quite a bit?

From recollection, until recently, any monies received for child benefit had to be declared...

and, for all we know, this girl's attitude to money and to her mum etc might have just as much to do with her father, as with maltesers. maltesers might have been trying her very best all these years with zero (non-financial) support from the girl's father. or worse - there might have been all sorts of stuff going on that would actually undermine maltesers and impact on her daughter. we just don't know.

hi again maltesers - another thing were I disagree with other posters - is with those who think or imply that your dd and her upbringing is solely your responsibility. it's her father's job too to help her learn to be financially independent and to behave like a grown up etc. and, by not even talking to you about this, he's not exactly setting a very good example. like I said I agree with quite a bit of what others say but I think you're getting an uneccessarily tough ride on this thread. esp when we know a fraction of the background.

How is she going to survive at university if she cannot budget, shop, and cook?
She must know you could not bail her out if she were to run out of money there?
You need to sit down with her- and spell out your financial situation.
I do not think there is anything difficult for an 18 yo to understand that if your income is £150 down a month, something has to give- ie she has to buy food, contribute to rent, bills etc. She is off to university, she cannot be thick! You say you haven't the heart not to shop for her- but truly you are doing her a disservice if she cannot manage a household herself.
Paying for things herself will certainly give her a perspective on being wasteful...

i suggest that if food isnt provided for her actually she very soon would provide her own food... if she is hungry she will by food to eat...
or you could charge her for meals £1 for breakfast £2 for lunch and £3 for dinner, = £6/day £42/week, with the option of her buying her own food if she wants to.

it really is not that difficult and IMO its your job as a mother to help teach her to stand on her own 2 feet, and not just treat her like a spoilt child because she doesnt want to comply...

its your house and while she is living there your rules apply and if she doesnt like it she can find somewhere else and support herself.

HATWOMAN... her Dad IS rolling in it and he has been VERy miserly about how much he has paid me for her and my older son....£300 a month as was for the two of them. He is an Ex cavalry officer, went to Rugby Public School and has inherited a fortune and lives in a huge Manor House on a farm of 26.000 acres....He is rich... I am not joking.
My DD called me tonite on her way home from the railway station saying she was scared cos a man was trying to Bluetooth her on the train. So i ran out to meet her, and has since done nothing but be rude as hell, all about the small salad she put in the fridge which my partner opened thinking i had bought it. Yes, this situation has come as a shock after 14 years..though Ex would do the decent thing and send to me till she leaves mid Sept.......ROll on !
Truly feeling very down and upset with her. There is no chance that she will pay any bills or buy her own food.
I am not moaning YURTGIRL.... i am being factual.
Looks like from all this advice i will have to take it on the chin.!!

Lifeguards do have a tendency to party ferociously .

Just tell her that as the money is now quite rightly going directly to her you will need her to give you £x to cover her housing, heating, lighting, food, water and bills whilst she is living under your roof.

If she argues / can't do it tell her to go and stay with her dad for those 6 weeks

Quit moaning - 6 weeks shortchanged! How awful

Dh and I split up three years ago, so that means *three years* shortchanged

If she is extravagant and wasteful with money why didnt you teach her to be more miserly with money, budgeting etc

Sorry Im dont sound sympathetic but Im not!

maltesers - I agree with the others that she's an adult now - if you can't afford to support her, then you have to charge her rent etc. she's lucky to have some income from her dad - many students don't get that.

where I disagree though with some of the comments here is that there seems to be a heaping of praise on this girl's father. tbh we have no idea whether he deserves that or not. plenty of parents (married, single, divorced) help their children financially - to greater or lesser extents - through university. for all we know he might be rolling in it and giving her a relative pittance - or he might be counting every penny and being extremely generous. I don't think that giving your own daughter some money while she's at uni is, per se, something that merits huge praise.

I also disagree with those comments about you being bank-rolled or similar. poppy-cock.

This change of situation is obviously a shock - and it would be best if you can come to a friendly/realistic agreement about how to share continued costs - - but that may well be what others have said - that you charge her rent.

My DD works one day as a lifeguard and drinks most of it away Clubbing ferociously !

I just do survive... I get child benefit. child tax credits. and housing beneift and maintenance from my Ex...
What ever we have got she is wasteful with even if its the tescos stripy toilet paper..shampoo, milk, fruit, toothpaste...anything. She leaves lights on, heating on and i have had to cancel the land line cos she ran up such a high bill....

your income is £4250?

how on earth is there any money left for DD to be extravagant and wasteful with

and how on earth do you survive? are you sure you are claiming all you are entitled to>

seems a tiny amount for a family of 4 to survive on

Havnt the heart not to shop for her.. but think i will aske her to buy her own food August and Sept. She will think it unreasonable i know..
No its not my Exs' fault HERCULES1....its no ones fault. The more i earn the more get taken off my Housing Benefit....if you have been there you will know what i mean. .......

Dont cook for her, shop for her food, clean for her or anything else until she pays you. Dont let her know where the "easy cook" food is, so that if she does use the food you have bought, say you are out and cant stop her, she has to put an effort into making it. Hopefully a few days/weeks of this will teach her a bit of appreciation for you.

Some dc just aren't naturally appreciative and it's a battle

maltesers - i think you are being unreasonable. She is 18 now and many 18 year olds have no other adult support. It's not your ex's fault you have no money.

You aren't 6 week sshort - the money's still there isn't it? It's just going to your dd and not to you. Why don't you just get your dd to hand it over to you while she's still at home?

Your children are adults (or very very soon will be) they need to learn that they need to support themselves.

You all need to stop expecting your ex to bankroll your lifestyle. That particular gravy train has left the station.

See this as a positive. Get yourself into a better paying job, if you are not qualified enough to do that then get yourself into college and learn some more skills. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on.

Your DD will manage, if she can't manage her money then tough (whether her Dad is topping it up or not). She is an adult and needs to learn that with adulthood comes responsibility and money is a finite resource which has to be managed.

If these 6weeks are a real issue then get on to the CSA and complain to them.

Maltesers, what does your dd do for money at the moment?

I have 3 children, my dd is currently at uni, she's 20, her dad stopped paying at 18, but she has never been out of a job since 14. She gives me £80 a month rent, runs a car and is a really hard working girl. (Not that sort of working girl!!)

DS1 however, is a totally different kettle of fish, he starts college in September, refuses to look for a job, so he gets no money at all from me unless it is earned. Today he got £2.50 for weeding a part of the garden, so he had bus fare to get into town to see his mate. How does your dd fund things like that?

DS2 is only 12, so the money thing doesn't really coem into it with him yet, he gets a max £5 a week pocket money, but if things aren't done, like keeping his room tidy and his homework diary up to date, he looses money from his £5.

I can't remember who said that if she is lazy you have made her like that, (or something like that) but it's really not true, mine are all so different and have all been brought up the same.

Sounds like your ex is a good father and is going above and beyond what most would do.

FYI Goblinchild i have thought about it hard and strong and beat myself up about it all these years. I feel guilty about all thats happened since i left her dad in 1994, i have been through hell and back, 2 aggressive partners and been on housing benefit since 1994. I dont really have much money to spoil her. She seems to really dislike me most of the time, and yet i try hard to get on and help her (DD).

Lucky you Goblin being the proud owner of sucha DD.

No why would i be joking Happymummyof one. ? My DD will cost me those 6 weeks and my income is about £4520 per annum. Thats why i am posting this issue. Needed some helpful advice.And well yes, we know all that about being wasteful... i have tried so hard to make her as frugal as i am.. but its very hard. There is only so much you can battle about with a teenager. My Ex pays for my 21 year old still and he is finishing Uni this summer, so quite naturally paying for DD too.

Going to the CSA for 6 weeks payments after 14 years of support - I assume you are joking.

I think its great he's willing to help her out with finances whilst she's at uni - she's an adult so the money should go to her and not you.

If your daughter is wasteful etc, perhaps its been because you have allowed her to be rather than nipping it in the bud when it first started.

>>Or, just spoil her and enjoy her at home before she flies the nest.

Sounds like she's done that already!
Reasonable that he should give the money straight to her now she's 18, good on him that he's not arguing about still supporting an adult.
As the proud owner of a considerate and thoughtful 18 year old girl who knows her responsibilities as well as her rights and is a pleasure to share a house with, I think you ought to have a think about why your daughter is wasteful, extravagant and a teen terror.
And although very late in the day, what you can do to change that, having supported her in becoming one.

Hang on .. In August he'll be upping the money £50... so that means current money + £50 Maltesers yes?

My mum used to take me shopping whenever she visited and bought me cupboard food!!

agree with everyone else !! also £50 won't get her far anyway.she is going to need a job, and this could be the makings of her. hopefully uni and living out will help to mature her a bit and realise money does not grow on trees and clothes don't wash themselves etc.

i lived with a bloke at uni whose mum drove him up every term with a boot full of individual dinners in portions, ready for the freezer. and asked us all if we could iron his clothes as he was not very domesticated. you can guess how well that went down

I don't actually think at 18 he has to support her at all.

It sounds perfectly reasonable that he is sending the money to her now though.
I would tell her to get a job and that the money she gets, along with a small amount from you perhaps, is now what she has to survive on.

Or, just spoil her and enjoy her at home before she flies the nest.

also, you say she earns nothing... well perhaps she should be getting a job and doing something this summer?
Im sure most of her friends will be doing that.

while Uni may be seen by you as full time education it isnt counted as full time eduction.

You dont get free prescriptions for being in full time ed at uni (well at least you didnt when i was there a few years ago)

I think the dad is being generouse to still be paying. (though i realise that yes shes is child so ofcourse he should be, but technically he probably doesnt)

also charge her board and lodgings, she needs to grow up sooner or later and the cost of living is a cost she is going to have to accept now she is older

good point P&L, bit churlish of him to not pay through to Sept. But good of him on the other hand to give their DD an allowance ongoing.

(but is she in full-time education once we get to August, JeMeSouviens? School finishes for the academic year this month, which is presumably the basis on which the ex is stopping paying maltesers)

I think the rule is this:

Maintenance paid if:

the child is under 16 (or 16-19 and in full-time education (not higher than A-level equivalent))

I did a google to find that info, perhaps you can show it to your ex, as it seems it should be paid until your DD actually starts University. After that, it no longer has to be paid at all.

Ultimately she's an adult and I don't think it's inappropriate for him to pay his contribution directly to her.

But it's clearly going to cause you issues. If you can't get her to contribute towards her upkeep, perhaps you could suggest that she spends half of the summer with him?

Sorry that was a bit garbled. Pay her directly during term-time but pay you directly if she is living with you out of term-time. And she lives with him he doesn't have to pay anyone, but he does need to keep her and look after her.

It's much easier to get the result you want by being reasonable, than being adversarial.

Surely the most important thing is that he is willing to support his dd through university. Lots don't. Can you write to him and say that's a good idea of his to pay her directly but can you agree that you will share her non-term time care between you both. And if that isn't possible perhaps he could recompense you during the non-term time weeks when she will be with you.

Let her clean up after herself as well. If she's going to uni in sept she'll need to learn to wash up and wash her clothes pretty soon!

well she has to learn sometime - she is an adult and should be behaving like one

could be the best thing you could do for her

yes 6 weeks......hhhmmm ! Could put that idea to DD to help contribute but i will be wasting my breath......you got to be joking.. there isnt a hope in hell of her contributing anything....well, except dirty dishes and a mess and a worn out washing machine !!

you are 6 weeks short changed?

dunno <<shrugs>>

I agree with Korma. Your dd is now an adult and not in fulltime education over the summer. Perhaps she can get a job and pay you some rent?

shouldnt that be yoru decision to give her the money?

I think technically he has to support her not you, and as she is now 18 has everyright to send it straight to her.
Charge her board and lodgings until she has moved in to uni?

maybe DD could get a summer job and learn to be less wasteful and extravagant ?

He has always sent maintenance money in the form of a cheque ever since my DD was 4yrs. She is off to Uni. in September, and for some reason he says this last cheque he has sent is the last one ever to me. From August onwards he is sending it straight to DD and upping it £50. I am so annoyed and surprised. I am keeping DD till mid Sept and she earns nothing. She is very wasteful, extravagant (and a teen terror from hell !) So she costs a fair bit. I have e mailed him and texts but he is not responded. Why is he short changing me by 6 weeks ??? I feel i must get in touch with the CSA...but can they help? past experience of them has been hopeless. Any advice gladly received. Thanks.