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Child maintenance

(6 Posts)

Apologies if I've put this in the wrong place but I couldn't find anywhere else to put it.

My husband left me and two children three weeks ago. He took with him some debt that we had. Most of it, he took out without my knowledge and led me to believe that we had the money and it wasn't loans / credit etc. he has left me with arrears on the rent account, again leading me to believe that it wasn't as bad as it actually is.

He now works a while away from where he is living with his parents but is managing to get to work without problems but now he is saying that he won't pay me £300 he owes me and won't pay any maintenance for the children because he can't afford it so I've told him he isn't seeing the children until he does because it isn't fair that he is having none of the responsibility of raising children (ie, financial, childcare, etc) but gets all the fun bits like taking them out and playing.

What do I do? Can he not pay for them? I know he is entitled to see them at some point so I can't keep up this forever but I certainly think he should be paying something for them, especially since his leaving has prevented me from being able to find a job!

Am I right in thinking that he should have thought of all of this before he left me for another woman?!

Twentyducks Sun 26-Jan-14 21:12:23

Don't confuse finances and contact. Let him see the children. Call the CSA about the money.

I should have made this clearer! They have just come back from his parents house, we agreed that he would have them every other weekend as he works every other weekend (does that make sense??) so he wouldn't be seeing them for another two weeks anyway. I'm hoping he will come to his senses by then and agree to pay support for them.
Also, it's more like a I don't want him to see them pouty pout but I wouldn't stop him from doing so. I do this for my children, not for him.

mof3under3 Fri 31-Jan-14 16:35:43

Good luck with getting any money, personally I wouldn't hold your breath. Benefits are a joke, CSA are helpful if your ex is EMPLOYED & or willing, if like my Ex is Self Employed & unwilling then you'll get nought, even though he knows his children are suffering. He's not & that's all that matters to him. With all these parents on here in a similar boat to me, I don't understand why there isn't a name & shame campaign, all these Self Employed non payers have Business's & Premises & Offices would all their customers still employ them if they knew what sort of scum they really were. I'd quite happily inform plackard outside someone's premises on some body's behalf.

daisystone Thu 06-Feb-14 20:25:43

Agree with the above. If you ex husband is self employed you have a BATTLE on your hands to get anything done. It is a long long process. It can result in court but you have to stick with it for years. I know from experience. Next step for my ex husband was revoking of driving licence and as he needs a van for work (he is a carpenter) he would be screwed without his own transport. He started paying a few months ago after moving in with a new woman. I know that the only reason he is paying is because he does not want the bailiffs turning up on his doorstep - how would he explain that to her hey??! So now he pays a small amount - and it really is the smallest amount he can get away with paying. Periodically I shall be asking the CSA to get him to submit a new tax return so his pay can be monitored. He has proven himself to be a shifty bastard and not to be trusted.

I genuinely feel for you ladies. I am fortunate that I do not have this problems with either of the fathers of my children (please no judgement! I had a teen pregnancy which was never going to work and then two children with my now ex-husband some years later lol). Never once, regardless of what has happened or been said or done between myself and these men, have they refused to take financial responsibility for their children - though I'm sure they secretly hate handing over X% of their wage to me every month! I try to be fair though, we have personal arrangements and have never had to have an official organisation involved. I ask for a contribution based on food/clothing/the rent (becuase they should be paying a proportion of the rent to keep a house over their childrens heads too)/gas/electricity contribution etc, but I am not out to financially detriment them either.

Do you have a mutual family member or friend who could mediate for you both? Could his parents be of any influence? I know my children's paternal grandparents - whatever their views of me - would be in agreement that their sons should accept financial responsibility for their children. Does he have a reasonable side to him, a better nature, that you could appeal to? I guess a lot can depend upon the circumstances of the break-up, there can be a lot of bitterness etc which gets in the way and clouds a persons judgement and doesn't allow them to think clearly or reasonably. I always try to bare in mind that I once loved these men, they have good qualities, so much so, that I bore them children and felt they would be good dads (though my first pregnancy was wholly unplanned and a total surprise - picture going in for a scan to date the pregnancy thinking you were six weeks, but come away knowing the gender and armed with the knowledge you were 28 weeks pregnant and still in size 8 jeans :-o!!).. I guess I've been very fortunate when I think of the struggles many women face :[ It's a sad state of affairs.

Definitely do not deny him access - do not even threaten him with it. The priority is always the children whether or not he's giving you money in the interim.

I;m really sorry if this is no hope whatsoever!

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