Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications, experience, or professional insurance of anyone posting on Mumsnet and cannot be held responsible for any advice given on the site. Free legal advice is available from a Citizen's Advice Bureau, and the Law Society can supply a list of local solicitors.

dh earns 22000 a year means 1300 per month in hand - no prospects to improve his salary - diffcult to accept

(77 Posts)
Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 09:24:22

we have small 2 kids. dh about 40 works full time; leaving home at 7.00 and coming back 5.00 pm. bringing 1300 monthly into bank account. I earn more and generally believe in career development, but with my dh this has been the same of 8 years and i do not see any motivation in him to improve. can someone point me into the right direction - how can I accept that HE does not want to improve his development and salary and he is going to stay for another 25 years in the same job. I do not see it changing and find it hard to accept

I feel really sorry for your DH.

expatinscotland Mon 08-Apr-13 11:16:31

I agree with Beta.

duchesse Mon 08-Apr-13 11:26:12

If he enjoys his job then that is brilliant and you should try to be happy for him. If he doesn't then maybe a few nudges to get him pointing in the right direction might be needed. As Beta said, he could take on more of the caring role for your children and leave you free to soar. Have you broached the subject with him?

SprinkleLiberally Mon 08-Apr-13 11:29:19

I felt as you feel once. DH in a job he loves and earns ok. But there is no ladder for progression. None. Nor are there opportunities for other jobs in his field in our area. I was frustrated.
However there have been many advantages for us, mainly for our children. His hours are normal not ridiculous. His boss is ok and he has some flexibility which helps us when kids are sick/inset etc. We are a better team and truely equal this way. Our kids see equal parents too. My job is not secondary.
Also it is not his fault that there are no promotion opportunities.

peedoffbird Mon 08-Apr-13 11:30:50

You don't seem to understand what a great position you're in. You clearly have reasonable money coming in each month. I would give anything to be in your situation and I feel sorry for your dh. His self confidence must be shot to pieces.

Scrazy Mon 08-Apr-13 11:31:46

It's not much less than I earn full time, agree it will be slightly more take home pay than you have said.

It's not a minimum wage job but it's not a great income. I am trapped because I like where I work but there is no chance of promotion or a salary rise. I have asked. However, to jack in a job like this in these times would be stupid.

You earn more so can have a nice lifestyle anyway. I wouldn't see this as a problem, personally.

BackforGood Mon 08-Apr-13 11:35:34

I don't understand why you find it sad, that he is content confused
To me, 'contentment' is a great place to be, and somewhere that some "driven" people never get to.

Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 11:41:17

ok. will try to utilise his strengths. maybe reducing his 5 days to 4 days will free him up for spending more time with kids and at home.

sheeplikessleep Mon 08-Apr-13 12:01:36

My DH hates his job.
I wish he was happy in it. He comes home stressed and miserable. I keep telling him to look for something else, but he doesn't know what he wants to do.
If your DH is happy, count your chickens.

I DO think though that if you earn more / and are more career driven, then why not you push your career and ask your DH to be the primary 'carer' of the kids (i.e. sickness, school hols etc)? I think that's a fair request.

ssd Mon 08-Apr-13 12:07:44

poor man, you sound a miserable pita

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Apr-13 12:17:42

well, it's sad but this is why attitudes to career and money are important things to discuss early on. While some people on here with think you are wrong for having this view, I don't, but I think you are wrong to have waited until now to think about it.

It's so odd, so many couples, before making big commitment to each other will make sure they are compatible on attitudes to sex, religion, children, education, politics etc, but money and careers seems to be ignored. If he's been earning the same for some time, then I guess the amount he was bringing in when you first got together was comparable to ambitious friends/friend's DPs, so it wasn't as obvious he didn't feel that way, it's just that now it'll be noticable he hasn't moved up when others have.

As others on here have said, it's unlikely you'll change his attitude to career and money, so it'd be more productive to sit him down and say that yours should be the primary career for the family, so he goes parttime, is the one to do look after the DCs when sick etc. If he needs to take on more of the housework and running/managing the family/household so you can free yourself to work late/go in early to the benefit of you all, so be it.

chanie44 Mon 08-Apr-13 12:20:10

I know how you feel. I'm the higher earner in our relationship and my earning potential is higher. I spent years trying to push him to aim for more, but the reality is that he just isn't career minded. However, since having the children, he has found a new qualification so he can earn more money.

It does sometimes upset me knowing that I've had to cut my maternity short and swap with him. However OH is totally committed to our family and he is a very caring partner. It's taken me years, but I wouldn't swap him and I suppose the pay off for having a laid back partner is that he isn't career minded.

BackforGood Mon 08-Apr-13 12:21:11

But we change as we age, don't we Don'tMindIfIDo ?
When I was 23, I was going to change the world /be the top manager, etc.,etc, but, once I had my own family, I realised that the 'reaching the top of the tree' was far less important to me than the balance of life as a whole. Not something I've have predicted when dh and I first met.

Booyhoo Mon 08-Apr-13 12:27:40

Sorry, have you just decided to change your husbands hours at work? shock

I can just imagine the responses if a man posted about utilising more of his wifes strengths and reducing her hours to suit him!!

JourneyThroughLife Mon 08-Apr-13 12:32:44

I understand how you feel. When I married (rather a long time ago) we were both young and new to the workplace, so both earned smallish salaries. As the years went by my DH moved into work which was very low paid and always would be...more of a vocation. Fine. But he had no ambition either. Was happy trotting along and didn't take up what I thought were fantastic opportunities because he "wasn't interested". I got very frustrated but eventually realised I had to separate out what I wanted and what he wanted. I realised I was more ambitious myself, and it wasn't fair of me to be "pushing" DH just because I wanted to get on and though he 'ought' to be the same. Eventually we split...there were several reasons but one of them was that I wanted to be free to have a dynamic career, I couldn't keep pushing DH to achieve what I wanted, I should be doing it myself.
I think you either learn to live with this and accept that this is the way your DH is, or you look at what you want for yourself and achieve it yourself, don't expect him to be doing it though if that's just not him.

Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 13:21:15

JourneyThroughLife - interesting point, thank you for sharing that. it exactly I feel - "pushing" hims - whilist it does not change much - he is who is is and there is no point in my energy going towards pushing him. so I just have to accept and work around it for the benefit of our family and children.

Fairylea Mon 08-Apr-13 13:25:33

He's obviously contented at work and has a stable job earning more than the minimum wage. What's not to like??

My dh earns 16k and I have chosen to be a sahm and we manage, we could earn more or I could go back to work but we choose not to. If he earnt 22k I would be over the moon! smile

I think you're being a bit unfair. If he's happy and you can manage that's better than many many people. Maybe it's a case of loving what you have rather than aspiring to have what others have.

blueshoes Mon 08-Apr-13 14:02:21

I don't respect men with no ambition or drive. I don't understand people at work who are content to coast and not better themselves within the hours that they work.

OP, needless to say I would be frustrated in your position. Once a man has children, he should be MORE motivated to provide for his family and work harder than ever. I see that amongst my friends and colleagues. Men tend to go for ever more promotions because children are an expensive business. Heck, even I changed jobs to get more money. I cannot afford to be contented. I have to maximise my income for the hours I am away from the home (when I am unable to be physically available for the family).

I don't know how you can change him. I will think that you will have to be the one to go for it and he be move available at home, but I hope you can reconcile that with how you perceive him.

Mutt Mon 08-Apr-13 14:13:40

blueshoes - perhaps not everyone thinks that money is everything in life. Perhaps some people think that being content in what you do and working hours that enable you to spend time with your family, takes priority over striving to get to the top in your chosen profession.

Now there's a thought...

Booyhoo Mon 08-Apr-13 14:25:56

Totally agree mutt. During my school years my mum worked really hard to progress her career, lots of courses, working away, evenings locked in the kitchen studying and we werent allowed in, weekends spent tiptoeinv round her as she caught up with paperwork. She did it for us. To give us a good life, with a nice home and holidays etc. but we never saw her. We didnt actually get the benefit of her effort because she was always too busy to book the holidays or sprnd weekends with us . I really feel i missed out on alot of my mum as a child and we arent close at all. By the time she decide she was happy with what shed acheived we were teens and dudnt want to be at home with her anymore. Shed missed our growing up which is really very short time with children. She has a lovely big empty house now.

Mutt Mon 08-Apr-13 14:31:17

That's a big shame booyhoo sad I wonder if your Mum would choose to do things differently if she could have her time over again.

Blue shoes, is it just men you feel that way about?

Be glad he has a job, my dh was made redundant.
He's happy, he is providing for your family and seems happy with his lot.

I don't see your problem? confused

Pumpkin, they are both providing for their family

Yes i know that. Was just saying i don't understand what the problem is.
Sometimes one partner has more earning potential, whereas the other one doesn't.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now