Separating from DH - Legal question

[SunshineHQ]

I have an aggressive, angry DH, and after several years of trying to improve things, I would now like to try separating – initially a temporary 6 month split, but possibly permanent.

He is regularly emotionally and verbally abusive to both me and the children. He has never been violent with me. He has been violent with our elder child regularly in the past (at the peak, hitting him 5-6 times a day), but since I got Social Services involved briefly last December, this has ceased.

I think he believes he is behaving a lot better than last year (ie post the Social Services involvement), but the rest of us in the family are still desperately struggling to cope with his outbursts and aggressions. He has refused to do anything on Anger Management, but was adamant we were not to consider breaking up. It is a bit of a Jeckell and Hyde situation – he can be fine and “Super Dad”, but can rapidly slip back into being angry, aggressive and abusive, and you never quite know when that will next happen.

As some examples, he arrived late and angry at our DD’s birthday tea, and screamed abuse at me in front of both our families and a table of 4-5 year olds. When he didn’t like where he was being asked to park at my work’s Fun Day, he revved the engine and threatened to run over the parking attendant. He is rude – almost as though it is a point of pride, that he must be rude and aggressive, to not ‘give in’ to others expectations. He likes things done in a set way, and gets very angry if this doesn’t happen.

He gets very angry if people challenge him on behavior once he has stopped doing it, and can’t understand why people won’t just forget the bad bits and now recognize him as a good guy.

The whole Social Services episode I found terrifying, even though I was the person who instigated it. I am also not sure whether we have any legal strength, given the more tangible physical abuse has actually stopped.

The only idea I can see working is moving into a rental property with the kids – I can take the money from savings in my name, to cover 6 months or so. But (and this is my question) is that a massive risk? The advice I have read appears to be that you should never leave the Family Home, as it strongly weakens your position, although I don’t quite understand how. Is it that my DH could refuse to agree on a sale and split of assets? I am quite scared that I don’t want to put us in a worse situation.

NB I am very realistic that the family home would need to be sold in a Divorce, but I would like to be the person to stay there until it was sold, to keep disruption for the kids to a minimum, until we could move into something smaller.

Some advice, particularly from someone with a legal understanding, would be really appreciated, before I risk making things worse than they already are.

[JaneParker]

If the home will have to be sold it would certainly be a lot simpler if you moved out with the children and rented.

If you don't want that it may be possible based on his behaviour to go to a solicitor and get them to take out a non molestation order against him and exclude him from the home. I personally think it's an abuse of the system and unfair to a loving father however awful he is in your sort of case to do that - he as as much right as you to stay with his children and in his own house until the divorce is finalised and the property sold (you would not like it if he were applying the other way round - in fact in our case we lived in the house until the divorce was fully over and finances finalised and court financial consent order sealed - not fun but at least it makes you both get on with it).

I would probably if I were you and could afford it pay a solicitor for one hour of advice and/or send him a draft divorce petition whilst you both live in the house and negotiate with him over a financial settlement and the rest and you both jointly sell the house whilst you are divorcing which will save you both rent in the meantime.

[STIDW]

Of course safety comes first and if you and the children are unsafe at any time you should leave immediately with them and sort out arrangements later. Otherwise if you can afford it you would be well advised to see a family solicitor before moving out to find out where you stand and what options there are in your particular circumstances. If your husband can't control his anger non molestation and occupational orders to prevent him "pestering" or harassing and give you occupation of the former matrimonial home may be an option. Once you have seen a solicitor you will be in a better position to make informed decisions.

The disadvantages of leaving the former matrimonial home are the expense of running two homes instead of one and the risk of debt, if you leave the other spouse living in the former matrimonial home there is little motivation for them to settle and your housing needs may be deemed met if you have rehoused. Although both spouse have the same right to live in the former family home in practice it can be difficult moving back later if you need to.

On the other hand moving out may mean the practicalities can be better separated from the emotions so constructive progress can be made more quickly when negotiating separating the finances and making arrangements for children.