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Separation or Divorce?

(6 Posts)
Handywoman Sat 07-Sep-13 15:47:56

Thanks. I agree two years is a long time, I'm sure he will have drifted into a new relationship by then. He will definitely agree to a divorce on grounds of separation. Unreasonable behaviour probably will cause problems. My problem is that I have zero faith in him doing the right thing re contact with kids. He is already asking me to change my working hours. (really difficult) in order that he can go out and party. I have suggested regularising my work pattern to alternate weekends so things are more predictable. This has been met with a stony silence. This before the word 'divorce' has even been mentioned. I can feel the goodwill rapidly slipping away anyway. When we split I thought he would be a bit more capable and less resentful over having the kids. At first he was, but not any more. Animosity seems to be building out if his resentment, so things seem to be getting worse not better. It's not like he's pining for me either (he's told people he doesn't miss me even though I asked him to leave after ten years of moods, low level controlling behaviour, anger and continual opt-out of caring for the kids/house/finances). STIDW thanks for putting it so clearly. Still not sure what to do. We separated in June.

STIDW Sat 07-Sep-13 12:21:12

When someone petitions before both parties have had time to adjust to the emotional realities of divorce citing unreasonable behaviour it can inflame the situation making negotiations difficult or impossible. Little or no constructive progress can then be made without starting court proceedings which may inflame the situation further, run up legal expenses and damage long term family relationships more than necessary impacting badly on any children.

The advantages of a separation agreement is the finances can be separated and the divorce dealt with later when emotions aren't quite so raw and separation is a less contentious reason than unreasonable behaviour. Progress can be quicker and more constructive when emotions aren't so raw. If there is full disclosure, both parties have legal advice and the agreement is fair (complies with the law) a separation agreement will carry considerable weight in a court should there be any problems later. A judge can make an enforceable court order in the same or similar terms to the agreement.

The disadvantages are a separation agreement is always subject to review. To dismiss future claims the agreement needs later to be drafted by a solicitor into a consent order which is legally binding and enforceable once ratified by the court. So there is an additional cost of preparing and drafting two documents instead of one. However that would be significantly less than the expense of high levels of conflict and the legal costs associated with going to court.

Sidge Sat 07-Sep-13 11:57:12

Two years is a long time.

Divorce would give you legal and financial 'freedom'. It means you are no longer associated in any way which could be useful for organising your finances and things like pensions, benefits etc.

prh47bridge Sat 07-Sep-13 11:48:48

You would only be able to get a divorce in 2 years time if he agrees. If he doesn't agree you will have to wait 5 years. I would get on with it if I were you.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 07-Sep-13 10:25:55

Personally I think he's not going to like it whatever you do. Better to go the whole hog now sort out finances and arrangements for children. Rather than have him be resentful now and thn again in 2 years time.

Handywoman Sat 07-Sep-13 10:09:04

Can somebody please tell me what are the advantages (if any) of divorce straight away or separation agreement then 'no fault divorce' 2 years later? I am concerned about aggravating my inept STBXH with a petition for unreasonable behaviour. Yet he has not changed his behaviour one bit (resentful re kids & practicalities and feeling 'governed by me' - his choice) since we separated in June. I am concerned he will drift into a new relationship and would like to divorce him. It's a minefield. Any advice??

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