Diaries for court?

[pinguthepenguin]

My ex and are in court soon regarding access arrangements for our dd. He reckons he will be submitting a diary and a calendar to show the judge 'what I'm like'.
He says this diary with it's various accounts over the years about what I've done and said will be taken as evidence. The calendar will be to show how often dd goes there dating right back to her birth. The trouble is, I absolutely know it will be full of lies and the calendar will be full of 'false entries' as to when dd has visited. He is convinced though that he will show the judge what he has had to put up with (?)

Thoughts anyone? Can he just submit a load of tripe like this? Now I am worried......

[Spero]

He can submit anything he likes. The judge decides how much weight he/she gives it - which may not be much if you contest it's accuracy.

My heart sinks when ever anyone whips out a calendar or a spreadsheet in court. It is often very confusing and hard to understand and usually indicates the person producing it cares more about being 'right' or 'in control' than what is best for particular child.

[pinguthepenguin]

You've hit the nail on the head there spero, and thanks for the reply. He is a massive control freak and would think nothing of making false entries on a calendar to say she was there when she wasnt, or to say I had blocked contact on a specific day when I hadn't. The problem I have now of course is proving I didn't block/frustrate contact when he says I did because I've no proof to speak of- only my word.

[Spero]

With any luck he will produce a spreadsheet with at least four different colours and in teeny tiny font and the Judge will automatically give you whatever you want.

Apologies to anyone out there who genuinely produces these kind of docs to be helpful but anyone who hoves into my view at court waving one is instantly mentally filed in a less than flattering category.

[pinguthepenguin]

Haha, spero.
I so hope you are right. He is asking for a SRO and EVERY weekend. Yup, he wants every weekend of her life
Also, if he found my profile on MN could he use it?

[Spero]

I am sure the judge can think of no better use of court time than to spend hours pouring over your mumsnet musings.

Seriously, do all you can to encourage him to go down this road. Nothing says 'controlling weirdo' better than insisting the judge take account of this kind of stuff.

He won't get every weekend. How old is your child? Old enough to talk to CAFCASS?

[pinguthepenguin]

She is 5. He is using very adversarial and upsetting methods to get the contact he wants- saying I don't feed her properly, give her a routine, leave her with people all the time, obstruct contact and make life difficult. Basically wrote on the court app that im a crap mother without actually coming out with it.

[avenueone]

What contact does he have now and want moving forward? why has it ended up in court, because he wants every weekend? that is really not going to happen - it is not in the child's best interest unless suffering real harm to be away from you that much and if the child was suffering from so much harm they would them taken away from you full stop and I am sure social services would already be involved.
Hold tight, try not to listen to much to `his evidence' which is know is tough totally but agree with points already made about what the judge with think of it all.

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks avenue. He has two separate nights a week plus one full weekend per month. Basically, we split her free time right down the middle.
He now wants every weekend. There's probably a million reasons why- but none of them will be true or in dd's interests. He is indeed slandering my parenting to the max, it's very destructive and upsetting, but i have to have faith it that the judge will be fair otherwise I'll drive myself mad.
He is taking me to court, so it's him thats doing it all.

[avenueone]

I think you will end up better off than you are now as a result of this I really do. Please try and use this to ensure he can't upset you any more. The contact arrangements will be in place and he just has to stop the upset. He just isn't going to get every weekend. He will prob get every other weekend and maybe one night in the week or two tops. it is very upsetting when false allegations are made but the truth always comes out in cases like this, the judge will have heard it all before.

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks a million

I will have to have faith in the judge. Ex will prob use lots of tactics such as his fabricated diary and calendar, so I'll have to wear my tin hat, and press ahead with what's right for my dd.
Thank you

[Spero]

Relax. He may as well go into court with pointy shoes with bells on and a T shirt proclaiming 'I am a massive Tool'.

Avenue one is quite right - unless he is arguing that your parenting is something bad your child should not be allowed unsupervised time with you, all the judge will hear is an unpleasant tosser, bad mouthing the mother of his child. And judges don't like that at all. It is extremely damaging for a child to hear one parent being relentlessly negative about the other.

Sounds like he will quite happily hang himself with his own rope, so don't worry.

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks you guys , feels loads better

Laughing out loud at the pointy shoes and t-shirt. Love MN

[avenueone]

I am also laughing at pointy shoes and the t-shirt

[RedHelenB]

He will probably get two full weekends a month the same as you and half school holidays.

[chocolatespiders]

Having been through the court process twice..

Second time ex wasnt happy so tried to get an enforcement of contact and a non molestation against me. He produced 14 pages of lies and judge saw right through it all.

Hold your head up high

[WhatsTheBuzz]

Pfft he can submit what he likes, my ex and his ridiculous mother did and it didn't get them very far. Unless he's got independent 'witnesses' to back it all up.

[CremeEggThief]

Please less us know how it goes. Rooting for you :).

[NotaDisneyMum]

Hey pingu - still thinking of you, glad the experts here on legal are reassuring you - the courts aren't stupid and won't take his word without question.

I still think theres a good chance that your ex will try to withdraw his application once his DW he realises it won't go his way.

[pinguthepenguin]

Aww thanks guys, I'll let you know.
Disney, he wouldn't be able to pull out now anyway as I've raised welfare concerns of my own, namely related to his DW and their obsessive concern with dd's health

[NotaDisneyMum]

It's a good lesson for him choices have consequences.

If he'd been a bit less gungho and moderated his attitude before filing his application you may have been able to resolve things in mediation - he's set a sequence of events in motion that are now out of his or his DW control.

How's your DD doing?

[pinguthepenguin]

Ah yes she is just scrummy- is absolutely wonderful.
She loves her dad and other family very much, in spite of sm's tacit criticisms of me, She loves them, and that's why it's such a crying shame that ex wants to take this road.
Still, I'm trying to see this process now as an opportunity to draw a line under their constant criticisms of me and leave alone.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Tell the judge that you need at least every other weekend with your child otherwise he ends up being the fun parent and you're the drudge which is hardly fair.

Ask for a CAFCASS report, and have you kept record of all the dates he has had contact? Show him your list of dates, and say that right now your daughters free time is equally split between you and her father.

[pinguthepenguin]

I have no official records fuzzy- much to my annoyance, although I'm sure my cm will have records that she collected by dad for her midweek visit religiously and i have lots of texts to show how we work out our weekend and holiday arrangements

[Spero]

You aren't stuck in the court process if you both want to get out - judge would be delighted if you wanted to adjourn for mediation etc.

But same rule applies to both parents: unless you are raising concerns of a serious enough nature to merit ending or supervising contact, it is never a good idea to go down the route of criticising the other parent. We all have different ways of parenting and have to try to tolerate the other -unless of course the child is being harmed.

So my advice would be to row back from criticism of his wife, unless you are s worried you want her psychologically assessed or similar.

Don't lose the moral high ground! Don't detract from letting the judge see him as an arse.

[pinguthepenguin]

Spero, I totally get what you are saying. I don't want to go down this road but these two harass me endlessly about my care of dd, to the point of taking her for unnecessary medical consultations, weighing her constantly, interfering in my cm arrangements, making unilateral decisions about her care. I have tried everything to reason with them both and it hasn't worked. The fact that he is now taking me to court means that I will (hopefully?) bring that process to an end. I feel as though my dd's self esteem will be in tatters if I don't stand up for her.