Access Rights being 'Ignored'

[peugotgringo]

Hi, please bear with me, relatively new to the boards and this could be a long post!

My DH has a 13yo DD, he is divorced from her mum. They split long before I came on the scene and as far as I'm aware it wasn't particularly amicable.

DH works shifts (as did his ex at the time) but he did get access of one night a week and a day at the weekend. Ex has a time consuming hobby so he took that into account when sorting access. DD has since got into same hobby.

DH let the access 'slide' as in the the fact he didn't demand one night and a weekend if it clashed with hobby as he thought in the long run that would be the fairest for DD, he didn't want to spoil her hobby or cause unecessary arguments just to be a 'twat'

This however has now backfired as we never get to see DD.

DH has tried texting, phoning, emailing to keep in touch but gets no response. His ex says it's up to DD to make the decision, (we don't think she's old enough just yet but that's not really the point I suppose) then in the next breath says, DD is disppointed she doesn't see you and that you've not been in touch!! He has been in touch, he gets ignored, Other than him turning up on the doorstep I'm not sure what else he can do??

So, my question is - can he get the previous access rights reinstated? Do they still stand, or are they null and void because he didn't stick to them rididly becuase he thought he was doing the right thing by being flexible?

thanks

[cestlavielife]

she is 13 so very much is about her choices.

if she has her own mobile he can text on that - if she doesnt have one he could offer to buy her one with her mother's consent.

if they do same hobby why cant he go to the place where it takes place and meet her before or after ?

[peugotgringo]

She's a young 13, which I know means buggar all, but is there actually an age when a child can say - no i don't want to see dad?

We have actually already accepted this, it's hurtful and unfair but we know it happens. And to be honest, because of this we even if we can enforce the access we would be reluctanct to do so as it is all about her not us.

It's just we think possibly she's being discouraged to see us by her mum as when on the rare occasions we saw her last year she was happy to be with us and didn't want to go home! WHich is why we'd like to know if it's enforceable so we can mention to his ex so it might just make her see a bit of sense?

She has her own mobile already and her dad has already told her if she's worried about using her credit up she can miss call him and he'll call back or he can give her something towards the top up so she can contact him aswell as her friends.

Hobby is not something we are involved in, it can take her all over the country, but we've mentioned coming to watch when it's local but no response. He wouldn't like to just turn up and make it awkward for her (his ex can't stand the sight of him and has expressed before that he's not welcome, which DD is aware of)

[cestlavielife]

the age depends on child and their maturity.

you cant make somone see sense.
at that age her wishes and feelings would be taken into account and if she wants to please mum by saying xxx then who is to say?

it might just get her the ex back up even more . dad needs to play a dfferent game...

if event is in public place, then turn up so dd knows her dad is there.
what can the ex do?
if she causes a scene then dd will see who is unreasonable.

child must be caught in the middle and v hard for her. if she living with the mother she wont want to displease her will she?

i have had to grit my teeth and bear exp turning up to dd gm display - but she was really pleased to see him watching her (even tho she didnt want to chat much after to him, the fact he made effort to attend registered with her) .

if dd knows dad is making the effort to show up at her events then later when dd older and has more say in her own life, they can rebuild relationship.

if he doesnt go to a public place to see her event because he scared of ex reaction what does that say to dd?

all he has to say to ex is "this is a public place i bought my ticket. i have come to see DD peform. if she can talk to me after fine, if not then fine " but he needs to make sure she knows he made the effort to go. eg send text ater saying "great job" etc.

[prh47bridge]

It may help to clarify things if you remember that your husband has no rights to access. His daughter has a right to contact with him. That is the way the courts view things. If his daughter genuinely does not want contact the courts are unlikely to force it. On the other hand if she does want contact but the mother is preventing it the courts are likely to take action.

[Frikadellen]

OP go and post on the step parents board there are others in similar situation who will understand and be able to give recommendations,

[peugotgringo]

Cestlavielife - thanks - i'm currently searching the internet at mo to work out what public place she will be at next. We have suggested going to watch her but got no response, I'm hoping it won't be when he's working!

prh47 - showing my ignorance here I'll admit - dad has no rights at all? I'm presuming by that you mean legal rights not moral rights?

It's all a minefield for me - I just don't get why a woman would behave like this. Ha, how naive am i?? I'd understand the ex being bitter and her not wanting to see him if he didn't pay his way or didn't try and make an effort to see her but he does all that!.

Frik - I've read up on the step parents board but will try on there too, thanks

[prh47bridge]

It is, as StewieGriffinsMom says, all about what is best for the child. The courts generally think it is good for children to have contact with the absent parent so will normally grant a contact order. But it is for the child's benefit, not the parent's. If the child is old enough to appreciate the consequences of his or her choices the court will not force contact against their will.