Forced To Agree To Contact

[somersdale]

I am a single mum with a 2 year old child, from an abusive alcoholic man. We were never married and never lived together. Since my child was born, I have tried to keep the man away, due to his drinking and abuse. He was never interested in our child, only in me. But he would make threats about our child to make me compliant.

Over the past two years I have been subjected to all manner of abuse, and when I don't let him in to my home, he stalks me and harrasses me by phone, email, and post. Finally, he applied for a contact order, when I stopped giving in to him. The problem is that he is a lawyer, who works in family law.

At the first hearing I was forced to agree to contact, despite my complaints of domestic abuse, alcoholism and injuries to my child. My barrister told me that I had no choice but to agree.

Since then, my ex has continued harrassing and stalking me. He is under a non-molestation order and the Police are considering prosecution. Social services have been involved throughout, and have serious concerns.

Cafcas have done their report, they express concerns about the drinking, and the effects of it on our child. But at the same time they advise increasing contact. They made no attempt to contact any of the social workers, police officers or anyone else. They seem to believe that it is a case of '6 of one and half a dozen of the other'. My solicitor tells me it is my word against his.

What am I to do? My solicitor and barrister both tell me that if I don't agree to increasing contact, then the court may make an order against me (in fact, they told me I could go to jail!).

Without any proper assessment or investigation, without anyone speaking with any of my witnesses, social worker, police, etc. I am supposed to go to court next week and agree to allow my child to spend unsupervised time with this abusive, alcoholic man, who is on a non-molestation order, under police investigation for harrassment, and has only ever threatened my child if I ever left him.

What do I do? I feel totally unsupported by my solicitor, my barrister, and the court process - all of whom seem to think that because my ex is a lawyer, his decency and integrity can be assumed!

[festi]

oh my god that is awafull, i have no legal advice, but surely you are able to appeal? I would seek advice from another solicitor and contact the social worker.

[howmuchlonger]

Call the nspcc, they are really helpful. I'm assuming you've probably been in touch with women's aid.
I just don't understand the court system, why on earth would they not listen to SS and the police? I sympathise with you entirely. I too have been threatened with prison etc, it's just appalling. There are a lot of people out there who can help. The courts just want you to agree to contact and go away but they can't sanction you for getting help and asking questions as long as you comply and don't breach orders.
Perhaps if you compromised and agreed to supervised contact at least your dc would be safe.

[RedHelenB]

If you truly believe your child is in danger then he doesn't go - simple as.

[mumblechum1]

Hang on a minute.

Surely the contact is going to be at a contact centre? If not then you need to ask your solicitors why not, and if you don't get a sensible answer, change solicitors and make an immediate appointment for a suspended or varied order.

I've been practising for over 20 years and am extremely surprised at what appears to have happened to you.

[MOSagain]

agree with Mumblechum. Did you ever report the abuse in the early days? Is there not a documented history of it? If so, I fail to see how you can be in this position now. Agree you need to consider changing solicitors.

[somersdale]

Thank you for all your replies. Perhaps I need to clarify:
There has already been one hearing - at which I was forced to agree to interim contact. Therefore my ex has been having unsupervised contact at a contact center as a part of that 'agreement'.

Between that hearing and the next one, Cafcas interviewed us and have made their report. They have ignored all my complaints and concerns. I gave them the contact details of my social worker, the police officer involved, and other parties involved. They did not contact any of them. Their report voices concerns about alcohol only, but they advise increasing contact and allowing the ex to take my child out of the contact center.

I do believe that the fact that my ex is a lawyer, and he knows the system, that these people are giving him the benefit of the doubt. And assuming I am simply being awkward.

The next hearing is fast approaching. And I am being advised by my solicitor that I will have to agree to an increase in contact. EG I am supposed to allow him to take my child out of the contact center.

When I told my solicitor and barrister that I wouldn't allow it, they told me I could go to prison. It seems incredible. I have spoken to my social worker since but she says no one has been in touch. And she does have serious concerns, as do I, about contact being taken out of the contact center.

What is going wrong? What can I do? I am fearful of the court hearing again since I feel unsupported by my barrister and I end up feeling bullied in the court where my ex represents himself and I am the only non-legal professional in the room.

[somersdale]

Answer to mumblechum1:
Contact is already taking place at a contact center. Supported, not supervised. And its only been 5 times. At the next hearing they want to allow it to move out of the contact center.

[somersdale]

Answer to MOSagain:
The police attended my home on a number of occasions. I applied for the records myself (the solicitor hasn't) but the records are poor. Social services have been involved throughout but, again, no one has contacted them for records or consulted with them.
The ex claims 'difference of parenting styles'. If I went into detail you would understand how distorted that is.

[somersdale]

Answer to RedHelenB:
But my solicitor tells me I could go to prison, or the ex could get a joint residency order if I don't cooperate.

[somersdale]

Answer to howmuchlonger:
I have spoken with the nspcc, Women's Aid and anyone else that will listen. Unfortunately, my solicitor doesn't seem to think that any of that is relevant. And none of the people I have spoken with have been contacted by the courts.

[mummytime]

Get a new solicitor?

[Chopstheduck]

Is there actually any danger to your child?

[Chopstheduck]

It seems a bit to me like he want to get at you. If the child isn't actually at any risk, you do need to allow contact. You don't have to see him though, you can arrange a mutual drop off.

I do feel for you, I was in the same situation, and I absolutely hated contact. Part because exh wanted to torment me every time, and partly because he was takign the kids to a cold, unheated property, and only providing a very basic level of care. Taking them to pub, not bothering to buy loo roll, not ensuring ds had his dummy, etc.

Eventually I moved away. Once i was out of reach, he lost all interest in the kids.

[somersdale]

Answer to Chopstheduck:
Is there actually any danger? There were a number of incidents. In conjunction with his alcohol addiction and abusive behaviour with me I believe there is a danger. The experts I have consulted seem to agree with this view. My child is too young and vulnerable to be put at such risk.
Yes, I do believe he is doing this to get at me, and he does believe that by gaining as much access to my child he will regain access to me and probably attempt to recommence his abusive behaviour. It is the pattern that has been occurring over the past few years. He always punishes my child when I don't give him what he wants. I have no reason to believe that will change.

[Chopstheduck]

I think you need to stop seeing him yourself, since a lot of it seems to be over a power game for him over you. If he isn't having contact with you, the child then doesn't have to be a part of a power struggle. Deal with him through the sols only, and arrange a drop off where you are not present.

Has women's aid been able to give you any advice on how to proceed?

The problem is that unless there is any real evidence of risk to the child, they will insist on his right to contact. A possibility isn't really enough to prevent it. How does he punish your child?

[cestlavielife]

you can use the contact centre for drop offs and pick ups.

keep all texts etc but dont reply to any of them.
if there are set times for cnoact via the contact centre you ahv no need for other communication.

if this contact has been going fine eg no signs of distress in child then yes it will move on.

hard as it is, until/unless there is proof of actual curent ongoing harm to child then contact will build up.

but keep contact centre for handovers as neutral place.

and monitor child's behaviour afterwards.

[olgaga]

I would find a new solicitor, fast. Make sure it is someone who doesn't know your ex.

www.resolution.org.uk/find_a_member/

[somersdale]

Please read the first post.
There is a non-molestation order in place.
We have no direct contact.

[howmuchlonger]

Olgaga makes a good point, does your solicitor know your ex?! I find it hard to see how you're solicitor wouldn't insist SS and police reports wouldn't be taken into account. My cafcass report didn't include a medical report and the court agreed that it needed to be taken into account.

[somersdale]

Answer to howmuchlonger:
No, the solicitor does not know the ex. Strangely, the solicitor has developed a fairly negative view of the ex, following the various communications which have taken place, which is strange because I expected the solicitor to take a far stonger view on my position than they have.

Thank you for telling me about your experience. Going into the next hearing, it was my belief that the lack of reference to Social Services, etc, should be good enough to at least hold things as they are until all relevant details are considered. Unfortunately, this wasn't a view held by my solicitor. But after reading your experience it may be a view I have to insist on.

[howmuchlonger]

It sounds to me as though you'd have been better representing yourself. What is the point in going through court proceedings if such important details are not investigated. If SS services have reason to be concerned you certainly need to insist that it is made relevant

[RedHelenB]

Mums do not get sent to prison over access, that really is a very, very, very last resort. Your primary duty is to keep your child safe & if you feel he would hurt her to get at you then no, do not allow unsupervised access.

The flip side is that if he gets unsupervised access & knowing his alcohol problems you may well find he doesn't bother with contact, so many men fighting through the courts do not maintain the contact they have been granted if their objective was to get at mum. So if you are exaggerating the danger let her go.

[howmuchlonger]

Mums DO get sent to prison for not complying with contact orders. It is unusual but it does happen. It is probably not the main concern though. The main worry is change if residence which would be worse. You should always respect the court or you are on a slippery slope. You should never breach an order, this way you are much more likely to keep the court on side. These men trip themselves up, you just need to bide your time.

[Chopstheduck]

'Please read the first post.
There is a non-molestation order in place.
We have no direct contact.'


No direct contact, but he has been harassing you for two years? You need to stop ALL contact with him.


You haven't really explained what the risk is to your daughter.


If you can't show what the risk is, you need to let him see her.

[somersdale]

Answer to Chopstheduck:
Thank you for your input, but you are misreading me. The harrassment was the cause of the non-mol order and police investigation. There has been no direct contact since then.
The risk is the daily alcohol consumption, the aggression, violence and verbal abuse. His messages to my solicitor remain hostile, and often disturbingly bizarre.
SS agree about the risk, but have not been consulted.