Help please DP's Ex can't support herself

[rockhardplaceme]

hello

i was hoping someone could give me some advice. my dp is going through a divorce and he has a dd with his ex. they ave been aprt for 3 years now.

There are a few issues that i would like guidance on (he has asked me to ask you all by the way so i am not sticking my nose in)

1)she is somewhat awkward regards to access to say the least and he has to fight to his dd. At the moment he sees her for one night a week every week but he woudl like to see her more. she flatly refuses saying that dd is too young (6 yrs old). ideally he woudl like to have her 2 nights a week. Dp does all the drop off and picks up at the moment when he does see his dd which is a 100 mile round trip as his ex refuses to meet him half way.

2) when he does pick or drop his dd off his ex gives him a very hard time, shouting and swearing at him (he had an affair) and uses all sorts of swear words that his dd is now repeating "my mummy says you are a bastard" etc.

3) he pays her well over the CSA recommended amount by a good £300 each month and he has also given her about £20k to help her get on her feet as a single mum which was their savings that they had built up over the period of their marriage. he even took out a loan to help buy her a car.

The trouble is that despite everything that he is doing in terms of financials/asking to see his dd more and getting flatly refused (his ex won't even let him call his dd in the week) she is getting increasingly hard to deal with

she is not working and has no way of paying the mortgage on their family home in which she still lives. (he pays for half of the mortgage on top of the child maintenance which he already pays). she has a degree and is capable of earning a good salary but she maintains that she will should not have to work or change her lifestyle because he had an affair. She wants to stay a full time mum for their dd and for him to support them fully.

She has now got to the point where she is constantly phoning and asking for more money, saying that she can't pay bills, can't afford to get the heating fixed etc.

Legally I do not know where he stands. he is paying well over and above what he is required to but his ex thinks it is not enough and his dd is suffering, clothes too small etc.

is there anything that he can do?

[ChasingSquirrels]

legally - why isn't his solicitor getting all this sorted out as part of the divorce?

[rockhardplaceme]

well that's the thing ... it is starting to cost DP a small fortune already. back and forth with all the letters and his ex refusing things, not replying to letters etc (she has not got a sol).

[MOSagain]

1. He needs to think about making an application to the Court for a Contact Order.
   
2. He needs to consider getting a solicitor to write to her requesting that she desist from this type of behaviour.
   
3. He should reduce what he is paying to his ex direct and buy clothes/shoes for his daughter. At least this way he will know that she has clothes that fit.

[ChasingSquirrels]

sorry, my posted sounded really short. I just can't see why if he is in the throws of a divorce and has legal advice why his solicitor isn't advising him on these matters.
I would keep thread bumped as there are a few really helpful solicitors who will hopefully post.

[rockhardplaceme]

thats ok, any help at all is appreciated.

he has basically put himself under huge financial strain by giving over all of the savings and agreeing to pay half of the mortgage plus the good amount of maintenance that he pays on top of the mortgage payments and although he earns good money himself he is starting to get into debt. Every time he even phones/emails his solicitor it costs him him about £30 !

[Santa5l1ttleHelper]

Wouldn't mediation be worth considering. It sounds as though his ex is still struggling with the break up. Before going down the court route which seems to create resentment and pain all round wouldn't it be worth trying to help her come to terms with it in a more sensitive manner first?

[rockhardplaceme]

i think his solicitor wants them to do mediation and I do believe that could be on the cards but his ex refuses to go for the time being. She says she does not have time. she has not got herself a sol as of yet.

she is clearly finding it very hard to move forward and even though it has been 3 years she still breaks down in tears about the marriage ending and shouts and swears at him.

she is clearly using the dd as a weapon saying "well if you came back you could see her all the time". she would have him back of that i am pretty sure.

in the short term though he is not seeing his dd as much as he wants to and he is giving his ex more and more money in order for her to live. he is getting increasingly stressed out about it.

[RedHelenB]

The only way really is to press on with the divorce & get the financial situation sorted. CSA maintenance is the MINIMUM that a non resident parent has to provide. A court is likely to rule that no more than 1/3 his earnings are for spousal & child maintenance so if the house is too big for her needs it could be sold if she can't afford the mortgage by herself.

[Albrecht]

You can still do mediation if the other party won't attend, they will help one parent think about what is best for the child etc. And they may be able to convince her to come as after all that is what their job is.

[sneezecakesmum]

If his ex is so angry and bitter that she is oblivious to the distress it causes her DD to kick off each week at your DP, then there is no chance mediation or anything will work. She will fight and delay everything and DPs legal fees will be astronomical, and the situation will be awful for everyone.

That doesnt mean he mustn't carry on seeking a legal solution, but is there anyway her family would intervene for the sake of the DD? Would your DP consider 'Relate'? They can mediate in these cases of marriage breakdown, and maybe the ex will see the harm she is doing to everyone, but most of all herself and DD. She clearly needs emotional support if she is this distressed after 3 years. I would find this situation very worrying if I was presented with it on a professional level.

[Collaborate]

If he's unhappy he's getting nowhere in negotiations he really has no alternative to issuing in court for both the finances and child issues I'm afraid.

[MOSagain]

I agree with Collaborate

[rockhardplaceme]

Thank you for your responses. I think he is going to have to get courts involved as he is getting nowhere, she won't agree to mediation.

[zest01]

He can represent himself in a contact case for sure with a mckenzie friend if needed. I know someone who did this successfully and it was less than a third of the cost of using a solicitor (google it for more info). I'm not sure sure on the financial side. The charity "families need fathers" are brilliant and will have good advice

[2ndtimeblues]

His lawyer and hers should sort out an interim arrangement. Then they should get the finances/access sorted and a consent order in place. Lawyers cost an eyewatering amount but there's no alternative.