court hearing

[EllenandBump]

i have a feeling my ex will take this custody all the way to court. I have been explained what will happen, ie it will only be me and him the judge at the first hearing will advise, he chooses not to accept it then it goes further. But i was hoping to ask someone what its actually LIKE? What do i wear, do say? And how would he prove i was an unstable or unfit mother? Any help gratefully received. x

[mumblechum1]

At the first appointment, in most courts a cafcass officer will be available to try to reach an agreement between you on the day. If that isn't possible then the application will be adjourned for each of you to file statements setting out your sides of the story, and for cafcass to file a report giving recommendations based on meeting with everyone concerned.

The hearing will take place in a private room. The District Judge will sit at one end, you and your ex will sit opposite each other on each side with your solicitors next to you, nearest the judge. As it will be your husband's application, his solicitor will speak first, then yours. The DJ will ask if you are both prepared to speak to cafcass, and if so will send you out to do so. You will then come back into court after seeing cafcass.

You do not give evidence.

Wear something smart but not so formal that you feel uncomfortable.

You'll be in and out of the court room in 5 minutes. Only the solicitors and the judge will speak, but of course your solicitor will have talked to you at length about what you want him or her to say.

[EllenandBump]

So nothing too formal then? Nothing major to worry about>? And what are the chances of him being able to get full custody which is what he wants to go for? I have apprently not done as he asked. AGAIN ANOTHER FACEBOOK ACCOUNT! Got to me through a friends niave so aged 10. Honestly how low can you get using a child? As only friends can see me now on facebook and he must have realised this. He wanted joint custody but he would then be telling me how to bring our son up and i dont trust him to look after our son properly.

[cestlavielife]

ellen it isnt "custody" it's called "residence" (who the child lives with) which can be joint or sole - would only be sole ie child resides with one parent only and the other parent has just "contact" (visiting rights) if good reason eg welfare of the child. (eg due to severe MH issues, drugs, alcohol, criminal record etcetc)

then there is contact - how much contact child has with each parent. usually if child resides mostly with one aprent, when should that child see the other parent? on which days for how long where etc - this can be more or les detailed depending on circumstances.

if he has PR ie parental responsibility he has a say in how child is brought up anyway and that is separate from residence -a sole residence order jsut gives more contorl eg ability to take child on holiday aborad without seeking permission of other parent etc. but school religion etc all of this comes with PR and whether or not child lives with the other parent, the parents with PR have a say and should decide things like this together.

be clear in your mind what all these terms mean. because the judge/solicitor/cafcass will use them.

see www.cafcass.gov.uk/the_law_about_children/contact_and_residence.aspx
and
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

take some time to read and study these so you know exactly what is being talked about

wear somethingyou would wear to work in an office. no low cut tops or too high heels for example.
trouser suit or skirt suit or dress and cardigan is fine. be prepared to be waiting around so take magazine or ipod. and water/snacks.

[cestlavielife]

are there any reaons why you would be unstable or unfit mother? (domestic violence, drugs, alcohol, severe MH episodes , MH not treated etcetc? )
any reaons why he is unstable or unfit to have joint or sole residencey? (domestic violence, drugs, alcohol, severe MH episodes , MH not treated etcetc? )

you need concrete evidence and information which says what is best in the interest of the child.

[cestlavielife]

or enough concerns /evidence to ensure that CAFCASS is asked to do a report and recomendation

if you have emails/facebook messags etcetc to print out then do so

[EllenandBump]

He has had a caution for possession of a class A drug and was using up until moving in with his mother if he still doesnt. I was diagnosed with quite severe post natal depression, but the doctor is happy with my progress and i see her quite regularly as i have just been diagnosed with low vitamin b, which i went to her saying i was feeling tired again and struggling to sleep, which are signs of a deficency but worried it was my PND returning. I have a copy of all facebook messages. He was also very violent towards me and even stabbed me in the leg but i never informed anyone as it was only a vegetable knife so not too deep and i havent told my solicitor. Is it too late to do so? I know he will have a right to how my son is bought up but i dont want him having control over me, ie knowing my phone number or where i live. He also does have a conditional discharge for assault on a paramedic but that was about 6 years ago and done under the influence of drink as he also has a drink problem? Would any of this help. Really i just want something put into place so that i know what i am doing. I think he wanted him every other weekend and during school holidays but he is only 18months so he obviously doesnt go to school yet. Would i be being unreasonable to make sure when he does start nursery it is not the closest one to my home when/ if i get rehoused?

[EllenandBump]

I would agree to joint custody but does that mean he can take him and not return him and there would be nothing i could do about it?

[cestlavielife]

it is a shame you didnt report the stabing adn ahve it recorded when it happened. you should report it now but obviosuly becomes your word against his with no official record at teh time. did you go to GP or A&E?

keep referring to joint residence not custody - tho every other weekend kinda implies you would have most of the residence days anyway.

nursery should be conveniennt for you . up to you to chose which one unless he also paying for it ? tho he could also argue to ahve one convenient to him if he going to be doing pick ups from nursery?

but focus on next six months for now and current situation - things will inevitably change with nursery/school etc. if he has regualr contact and it goes well for next six months that is one thing - if it goes haywire then you want to be in poition to review it anyway. so dont set things in stone now. (tho you probably wont be able to anyway if cafcass has to do reports).

any police reports will come out in cafcass report as they automtically do police check for any record - on both of you.

an eventual order can specify how and where pick ups are done. but you are likley to get an interim order after first hearing to cover next few months while reports are done - then you would go back for review. you shoudl cite the domestic violence and drugs as a concern for welfare of your child.

what about handovers of child?
where should that be?
who should do this?
what contact is there at the moment?

your PND is treated and you in touch with GP for any issuues so if that is raised just say is being treated and not an issue.

[cestlavielife]

joint residence order could still have set days and times for contact i would imagine - so you would have that if he does return child on time.

why do you think he woul not return him?

[EllenandBump]

There is no contact at the moment at all. I wanted handovers to be at a contact centre and was asking a friend of the family who my son is familiar with to take him as for obvious reasons i want no contact with him. Can a doctor not now look at the scar and make a report on it or is that just csi shite? He is also apparently starting college, and is living with his mother, could i raise the issue of this being a concern? As he accused her of sexually abusing him as a child? Although the police took it no further as it was a "historical case" and he decided against it as we were living in close proximity at the time?

[EllenandBump]

Because he is so spiteful and vindictive he knows that it would hurt like hell for him to take our son away from me and knows i worry about my son.

[EllenandBump]

also worried his mum might be spiteful (she can be very if you upset her) and not allow him to borrow her car as he doesnt have his own (due to having written his last one of in april last year, on the day of the royal wedding.)

[cestlavielife]

if there were no witnesses to the injury at the time i dont think it will count for much now .

unless there is criminal record on his mother or grounds for concern due to recorded events with your DS then leave it for CAFCASS to decide if his home etc is ok.

you can certainly ask for third party or contact centre handovers .

it is a problem if you dont report incidents when they happen to be honest...

you have to find a way to put across why you dont want contact with him because of your fears of him. eg recent threatening emails or texts or voice messages that are evidence that kind of thing. historical stuff - unless police reports - dont count for much if it is your word against his...

[EllenandBump]

The reports he made on his mother were to the police and he diod have a crime reference number for them too, so surely they will be recorded as well. He has been very nasty, calling me a lot of names and i have had some nasty emails from his mother saying i am being spiteful and obstructive. He did say he will now go for full. A lot of his message do come across as very controlling, so they should be atleast helpful. His drugs and alcohol are documented but not recently, although it would help to prove it surely?? x

[cestlavielife]

he accused his mother - but is now living with her.
either he made up the accusation or he is nuts

calling you spiteful does not in itself make her a danger to your child

[EllenandBump]

But surely whether the allegations are true or not one of them is unsuitable to be around my child? I know but surely i can stop her from coming to my mums. She was all but harrassing me into handing my son over. She said she would be happy to pick him up from a babysitters. She also wanted me to be sectioned when i was diagnosed with PND and for my ex (was still together at the time) to give our son to her to look after but he could always go and see him. x

[cestlavielife]

your mum can stop another person coming into her house.
you dont have to have direct contact with her.
but courts wont be interested in past allegations that have nothing to do with your child

just be careful andvery factual with what you put in your evidence and what you tell CAFCASS

[EllenandBump]

Mum has already said they are not welcome here and if they arrive the door will not be opened and the police will be called, which she is perfectly within her rights to do so. I am trying to work out what to say and do if it comes to it. Is a grey suit suitable in court or would black be better, only i am really pale skinned. x