Contact.(Scottish) advice

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Hi there,been separated 2yrs,ex has had sporadic contact with kids.Let them down many times.only ever wanted few hrs on a Sunday.Not seen kids since July.Abusive voicemails led to arrest in july ,court appearance and warning from PF.Hasnt replied to any Sols letter re contact since then.Got several texts and phonecalls yesterday from his gf 22yo,he is 42,telling me i am cruel let him talk to his kids,he is heartbroken.I replied please do not contact me again,this is none of your business,he can contact my sol as suggested in the letters.He hasnt replied to any letters sent in 2011.He has history of cannabis abuse,alcoholism and dv.I always wanted my kids to see their father but i no longer know if they would be safe.What happens next if he gets in touch with my Sol ?He has never stuck to regular contact in 2 yrs .Kids are 5&6.If he takes me to court and doesnt stick to the conditions,does this go against him.Kids are settled just now .

[InterPolly]

If he tries to insist upon contact, and nothing can be agreed between you then the next step would be for him to raise a court action. However a court would not order contact unless it is in the children's best interests. This can be established by way of evidential hearings, court reports etc. Even if some degree of contact is ordered then it can be supervised at a contact centre. This would be justified given the history and your concerns. If he doesn't adhere to an order you can seek to have it reduced. This would reflect badly on him in any future proceedings.

Sounds like a difficult situation and clearly you're putting your children first and weighing up whether any sort of relationship with him can be salvaged. You don't have to deal directly with him, via your solicitor or mediation would be a means of agreeing some supervised contact. This would be a safe reintroduction for the kids, and would provide an opportunity to gauge him and the children's reactions.

Tbh it doesn't sound like he would likely take the trouble to initiate court action if he never responded to any of your solicitors letters? Any contact you may wish to agree at this stage ought to be completely on your terms and if you only feel happy with supervised contact then insist upon that.

Hope that helps. I think you should discuss fully with your solicitor. Maybe he/she could also request that your ex's gf doesn't contact you directly. Good luck.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Thankyou so much for your reply.Ideally the kids would love overnight stays 2 weekends a month.To me this is too much too soon for everyone involved.I guess i just wondered if a judge would grant that in the first instance so its a relief that hypothetically my ex would have to work up to that.I just want my kids to be safe and not witnessing inappropriate behaviour.Reliable,stable contact is all i have wanted in 2yrs so we can all adjust to our new situation.A contact visit for him usually consisted of a visit to the pub for 4 out of the 6 hrs then driving them home.He just has become a stranger to me,the guy I knew would be mortified he treated his kids like this.It would be nothing at all then a few Sundays of ponies,quad bikes and bbqs and now nothing for 5mths.I think my best plan is to wait and see if he contacts Sol,then suggest family mediation.Many thanks.

[Rhksmum]

I went through this last year.
My ex would flit in and out of the childrens life as and when he fet like it and it was upsetting them.
My lawyer and social work both came to the decision that contact had to be stopped and for him to raise an order in court for access as the Sheriff wouldn't take any of his nonsence.
It went to court and the children (10 and 12 at the time) were appointed a Curator who would be their voice.

She spoke to the children and they said that yes they wanted to see him but he had to be more consistant, not what he was doing.
They decided on seeing him one weekend a month( he lives in England) that they would see him during holidays but didnt want it to be long periods.
This was presented to the Sheriff by the Curator which he disagreed with and said the kids were to see him every 3rd weekend.

The sheriff did pull him up about his inconsistancies(sp) and he was told to make this work or he would lose his children.
My ex doesnt like being told what to do so would constantly be moving the goal posts, pick up was to be 6pm and return 5 pm, but he would turn up early and sit outside the house tooting the horn, making things really difficult.
I was told I had to make the children available for access and if I didn't because it was court ordered I could be arrested, but he could just not turn up if that suited him.

Although the contact order helped in it gave the kids consistancy he has turned it to his advantage, not helped by his partner interfearing(sp), but if its not down on the contact order and he decides to throw his weight around and kids dont want to see him it doesn't happen, I can say no which I have never been able to say before.

Not sure if this helps you or not

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Thankyou so much for sharing your story Rhksmum.I just have come to that place now that if contact is to start again ,clear boundaries need to be set in place to maintain stability in the kids interests.Is the Curator appointed after the first hearing ?Do you have to be in court or just a representative ,did you have to answer questions or does the judge have all that info in front of him ?(no need to answer anything u dont want to im just curious,have no experience of this whatsoever and never thought it would come to this ,but I guess now it has )Thanks again ,just good to run it by people that are unbiased .Will just have to wait and see if he gets in touch with my sol now re contact .

[Rhksmum]

The Curator was appointed at the first hearing, she came out to the house to speak to the kids on their own first about what they wanted, how they felt about seeing him and to explain what would happen next.
She spoke to me on my own about what I wanted and what would be workable for the kids.
I didn't have to be in court for the first hearing it was just formality my lawyer said.
The next hearing I couldnt go to because my daughter was unwell but the curator put forward what they had said.
It did get nasty, he wasn't happy about what was being said, what the kids had said and threaten to abduct my daughter because she refused to go on holiday with him.
He was told by the Sheriff times and dates, but was never happy with what ever was offered, it always had to be his way or no way.
When we went back to court 3 months later he didnt turn up, sent an apology with his solicitor saying he got his dates wrong( this coming from a guy that runs his own business and works in many different countries) his solicito did say that if you notice Rhksmum didnt come to last hearing when ex did, Sheriff said oh yes that was noted that she didnt turn up, they seem to forget that my daughter had been critically ill and i was splitting myself between 3 places and couldnt leave her, my lawyer went mad but his lawyer said just stating facts

In court I never spoke, just sat by my lawyer and listened, it's a closed hearing so its just you, him and both lawyers, sheriff and not sure what their name is but they take notes, make new appointments and hand over documents.

I found it quite scarey but up until the last hearing I thought it was ok, but I guess it depends on the Sheriff you get.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Thanks again Rhksmum for sharing your own experience, just have to wait and see if he contacts the SOL x

[RedHelenB]

If your children want to see their Dad then this needs to happen. NRP's don't have to be consistent, you can't force them,

[Rhksmum]

No your right you cant force them to be consistent but flitting in and out their life as and when it suits them isn't fair on the children.
My children now know when their dad comes now or at least have a rough idea, where as before everything had to be dropped because he had decided he wanted to play dad.

[STIDW]

A curator isn't appointed in every case and you need to be careful about costs if one is in your case. Curators are paid a fee in the same way as solicitor. When social services are involved the LA may pick up the tab but in private cases the fee needs to be paid.

[Rhksmum]

Legal Aid paid my half of the Curator but my ex had to pay his half as he was paying for his solicitor, if he had refused to pay then she wouldn't have been appointed.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

RedHelenB my problem is kids Dad is making no attempt to see his kids .I turned myself inside out for a year and a half to maintain contact but he just got more absent ,letting kids down and more abusive to me and like i said before ,in 2011 never answered any sols letters .I don't know how else I negotiate with a man like this apart from through a Sol.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Thanks everyone for advice.
If anyone else reading this has any other ideas or experiences I would love to hear them .I think with the drink and drug history involved I feel it is important that he makes the initial effort to contact sol to show some responsibility.I am reluctant to contact him due to abuse issues but also because mentally he might not be ready to have contact again.I guess thats why my gut says its time to go to court.Whether he bothers to raise an action is another story.Think i make an appointment with my sol anyway to discuss,i know her opinion is court isnt a nice experience.