To be cross that dh expects me to pay for exactly half of household expenses when he earns twice what I do?

[theredsalamander]

Our finances are very separate. This worked fine when we were just a couple who both worked full time but now we are married with two children and I work part time to spend more time with the children I think it should change.

We've just run out of oil, (heating) and it will cost £1100 for a top up. Normal joint account balance never has enough cash for such a big payment in one go (over a year, monthly payment accumulating enough maybe). I have no savings, have very little spare cash (eg I rarely go out as I can't afford drinks/taxis/new outfit etc) but he has lots. It would take him three days work to earn enough to pay for the oil, he has enough in his account to pay for it already anyway.

His exact words "Oil is a house cost that we budgeted for and not an addition which I am happy to pay for"

Now I am rubbish with money, I will absolutely own up to that, in fact one of the reasons I am so skint is that I am trying hard to pay off a loan. Without the monthly loan payment I would be much more comfortable and would be able to contribute more to family outings trips etc- he pays for all "extra curricular" activities holidays/outings/meals out/etc, but I can't pay half of the oil cost. I do not want to "owe" him the money I want him to pay it so I am not in debt to my husband as well as the sodding bank.

AIBU? Or because I am rubbish with money is he right in not financing my obligations whilst I am paying the loan back?

I am posting this at work and wont be able to log in for a few hours but hopefully you will be able to give me some perspective on my return!

Thanks in advance.

[LadyMary]

What a prick!

[LadyMary]

Him, not you.

[SybilBeddows]

yanbu.
Please don't put up with this. It is very wrong.
If he wants to keep your finances separately then he needs to start paying you for any childcare and housework you do beyond your 50% share.

[SauvignonBlanche]

YANBU but more fool you for having seperate finances now you're married with children.
You need to sort that out, it's inherently unfair if you're working part-time!

[emsyj]

I think this whole scenario is really odd tbh. I don't really understand how separate finances works when one party earns a lot more than the other.

If you are terrible with money then it makes sense for your DH to manage the finances, but ferreting away all his riches and watching you have nothing does not appear to me to be the normal behaviour of a loving husband...

I will never really understand couples who don't share everything, but hey - each to their own. It wouldn't work for me. If this arrangement is no longer working for you, then you need to renegotiate.

[DoMeDon]

YANBU - charge him half the going rate for childcare while he is at work and you are at home - he can take that off the payment.

This is bizarre to me and we have seperate finances too - DH is you in our scenario- yes, he is responsible for his debt and I won't subsidise that but we are a team, help each other out and are in it together. Your DH sounds utterly selfish.

[grovel]

That's nonsense. Contributions to the joint account should be in proportion to your respective net salaries (take home pay).

[Angel786]

Ya so nbu. Start charging him half of hourly rate for cooking, cleaning, childcAre etc.

[dreamingbohemian]

This all sounds really odd.

Clearly heating oil is a necessity, not a luxury.

There's no way you should be going 50/50 if he earns twice as much!

Whatever issues you have with money should be dealt with separately -- but as a foundation, you should not have to go 50/50, that doesn't make any sense.

[eaglewings]

How about adding up all the hours you spend with the children while he is at work and then charging him the hourly rate he gets paid. You can then split the bills after he has handed over the cash

Better still, have more in the joint account by working out how much you should each have for your own personal spending money and putting the rest into the joint account. Eg you both get to keep £100 a month to spend as you wish, all the rest is for house or saving jointly.

[FabbyChic]

Why are you with him? If he earns more he pays more simple. What an antiquated attitude it sucks.

[YankNCock]

YANBU. This is stupid. My XH had the same idea for a while until married friends convinced him our contributions to joint expenses should be proportionate to our income. And we didn't even have kids!

DH2 and I pool everything. At the moment I'm a SAHM, and neither of us have any money!

[SybilBeddows]

I honestly don't know how people can live like this, and how anyone that truly loves their partner can be so mean as to be happy with a situation where she can't afford to go out while he can.

[lesley33]

I really don't understand this keeping money separate - especially when you have kids. You only work part time and look after the kids the rest of the time.

Say to him if you are going to share household costs equally then it should be all costs. Find out how much it would cost to hire someone to look after the kids when you do and charge him half the cost. If you do more work with kids and in house on evenings and weekends, charge him for half of that as well.

Alternatively sit down and have a frank discussion with him about money. He is still treating his money as if you are flat mates. You are not. You are a family and so most money should be family money. Maybe agree a small amount that you both keep out of your salaries as your money and the rest should be in a family pot.

I suspect as well that as he pays for extra things, that he holds the balance of power in deciding what these extra things are.

This really isn't a fair way for him to behave.

[slavetofilofax]

He sounds like a tosser. I agree you should start charging him a fair wage for your childcare, cleaning and cooking services.

[jesuswhatnext]

i will never understand this type of 'arrangement'! fill half the tank, only heat half the rooms and tell him his half are the cold ones!

honestly, you are supposedly in a partnership with shared responsibilitys.

he has loads and you dont have enough for a drink etc, that sounds abusive, controlling and bullying.

[coccyx]

Why would anyone agree to this, not much of a partnership

[sittinginthesun]

Agree, this sounds pathetic! The whole point of a marriage is that you support each other, what's his is your etc.

Before children, I was the main breadwinner. Seven years later, I work part time and DH brings in the bulk of the money. I still don't feel comfortable spending "his" earnings on trivial stuff, so use my money for that, but household bills are a family responsibility!

Don't stand for it!

[squeakytoy]

I agree with the others. It is a household expense, it isnt as if you are expecting him to buy you a new computer, or some other unnecessary gadget.

I dont understand family relationships (children or not) where one person earns significantly more, and the other has to beg or do without while the "wealthier" one can do as they wish and controls the finances.

[kat2504]

You should probably be going 70/30 so that you are each contributing a fair proportion of your take home pay. Otherwise he has money left over and you never have anything, even though you contribute just as much to the family. He has lots of spare cash so he can afford to pay more than you into the joint account.
Ok, you have your loan to pay back and that is your responsibility. But regardless of that you simply can't be expected to contribute pretty much all of your income to the joint fund when he only has to put half of his into it. It isn't your fault you are not earning as much. Point out to him how much he is saving in nursery fees.
He is being a complete tight arse. You are a couple and should be organising your household finances as a team.

[lesley33]

jesus - I agree this is controlling behaviour.

[MarginallyNarkyPuffin]

It's a very odd arrangement.

[sue52]

You are married with children. All monies should be seen as belonging to the household. If he does not understand this then he is a git.

[Katisha]

Agree with all posters that he is being petty.

However I also think you need to stop hiding "behind "being rubbish with money" and stope being rubbish with money. Have a look at moneysavingexpert website where there are all sorts of budgeting tools and helpful advice.

He is possibly trying to make a point about you being "rubbish with money" and neither of you should be.