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Legal matters

Child's surname advice needed

45 replies

Pencilmein · 13/01/2011 23:24

Maybe you can offer some advice?

My baby daughter has my surname, as this was my preference. Her father, who is not my partner and wasn't at the time she was born, is pressuring me to change her name to include his surname in some form. There are no other children on either side and neither of us have ever been married.

I am not inclined to do so for a whole host of reasons.

  1. Her 1st name is already a hyphenated name and I do not want a middle name on top(for example Elsa-Mae, Mary-Jane etc...)
  2. I chose a pretty, feminine and simple name for her. It always gets so many compliments. We (my extended family) love it. Adding in his surname as a 'middle name' really won't trip off the tongue!
  3. There would be so many documents and registrations to change
  4. She will always be 'know as' my name anyway, as I am her main carer, so is it really worth all the hassle
  5. I would like her to have a simple unfussy name that is the same as her mum (me!) and all her cousins. Surley I don't need to justify my choice to anyone?

    He is really becoming a pain now and upsetting me. He sends me constant emails and brings it up when he is visiting etc...

    Ultimately I do not want to change her name and unless I wake up one day not caring either way I am not going to let this happen.

    Can he force me? Or waste everyone's time trying? He seems to have endless resources to put into this. I am concentrating on looking after my daughter :)
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gillybean2 · 13/01/2011 23:29

No he can't force you. He can get his name added to the birth certificate as father (of he's not already on there) by going to court or on your agreement. But no he can't get her name changed.

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Pencilmein · 13/01/2011 23:49

Thanks. Yes his name is on the Birth Certificate.
Hopefully he will realise this isn't a 'legal' issue. Didn't set out to upset him, just did what I felt was appropraite given the circumstances.

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ramonaquimby · 13/01/2011 23:55

why shouldn't he have his name somewhere in there? I don't get it? People hardly use their full names anyways - is it worth the hassle not to?

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Pencilmein · 14/01/2011 00:04

Relise he has his feelings/opinion too. Being forced to is unsettling though. He focuses on it, when day to day I have other priorities.

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Resolution · 14/01/2011 00:06

ramon - not sure what your point is, unless you're advocating that every child should have a double barrelled surname. There has to be a good reason, linked to the child's welfare, for a name to be changed in the face of the opposition of one of the parents.

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insertexpletive · 14/01/2011 00:11

He is not asking you to change her surname though is he? From your op it sounds like he just wants his name included somewhere

If it is a middle name it would not effect anything too much would it? She would still be known by the first and surnames you have given her.

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Pencilmein · 14/01/2011 00:14

isertexpletive- yes that is correct he wants me to add it as a middle name since I have said no to surname change.

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insertexpletive · 14/01/2011 00:19

OK, well I would think seriously about it to be honest. It sounds like he is still involved in your dd life and it is important to him.

I would agree about surname, but most people in my life do not even know my dd and ds's middle names as they are never really used, they are just family names.

Unless of course you feel this is the first step in a long list of demands and controlling behaviour on his part.

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Pencilmein · 14/01/2011 00:28

insertexpletive - well you are right about the long list! I do feel, sadly, that if I agree to this somthing else will take it's place.

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Resolution · 14/01/2011 00:29

insertexpl - my personal view is that he should have asked for it when the name was registered.Each family is different though, and what counts is the view of both parents. If no agreement can be reached I still think the courts would be reluctant to allow a change. After all, there are plenty of children who do not share their mother's surname, and you don't hear of their deep psychological scars.

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campion · 14/01/2011 00:40

Doesn't sound like it's about the name so much as wanting to control you.

He needs to realise that being a father has nothing to do with a child's name.He should be grateful his name's on the birth certificate - you could have left it off.

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 14/01/2011 01:42

He's the Father no matter what name she has..he should shut up and leave it. He can't make you...you could call her Tinkerbell Jones if you wanted...she'd still be your daughter...and his.

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ramonaquimby · 14/01/2011 08:07

its Ramona

we don't know this family

And from what the OP wrote I thought it to be a reasonable request by the father to have his name included somewhere within the rest of his daughter's name.

how do you extrapolate from my post that I advocate that every child have a double barrelled surname?

anyways that's my 2 cents worth

that's all

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Pencilmein · 14/01/2011 08:27

thanks, appreciate some different points of view on this.

Without mud slinging he is quite spoilt, and seems unable to drop it.

Back to my op - I am not preparred to do this, at least in the forseeable future therefore would be helpful to know what a solicitor would advise him.

I have read the deedpoll advice, gingerbread etc.... just haven't had reassurence I am not going to have to be defending my choice!

Maybe these threats are just hot air?

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Resolution · 14/01/2011 09:23

Pencil

He will be advised that it is unusual these days for courts to change a child's name. The change has to be in promotion of the child's welfare. If one of my clients wanted to apply to court for this I'd have to warn him in writing that he is unlikely to be successful, and risks losing whatever he pays in costs.

Sounds like the change he wants is more for his benefit than your daughter's.

My own children have my wife's surname as one of their middle names. She never took my name on getting married, and we'd agreed prior to the wedding that any children would bear my surname (it's a man thing). Eventually she wanted to have her name in there somewhere. Her surname is a man's name, so don't know how our daughter will thank us when she gets older(!). I hadn't planned this, but immediately after the birth of our 1st born I found it impossible to say no to anything she asked!

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Pencilmein · 14/01/2011 09:32

Resolution- thank you. That is reassuring.
I would also hope he will see how putting me though unnecessary stress will potentially impact on relationships all round. He could spend his money on so many more worthwhile activities.

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Pencilmein · 13/03/2011 10:27

since my DD's father has applied to the court for an order to change her surname or middle name I wondered what the next steps would be? can anybody advise?
The hearing is on 25th March. I found out about this on 8th March.

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darleneconnor · 13/03/2011 10:54

Omg! He is not acting in his dds best interests and the court will see straight through him. You should get a lawyer to represent you at the hearing, though.

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Resolution · 13/03/2011 10:58

Just go along to court. You'll be put under pressure by the court clerk and cafcass to agree, but stick to your guns. There are no welfare issues, save that you should be left alone to parent. No order can be made without your agreement. Take legal advice. If you feel uncomfortable and would prefer to stop and return another day with legal rep, say so!
What court is it? Pm me if you'd rather not make it public.

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freshmint · 13/03/2011 20:55

Resolution - put under pressure by the court clerk? really? what have they got to do with anything? none of the clerks in my local courts would do any such thing...
you obviously have different experiences but I'm rather shocked by that.

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Resolution · 13/03/2011 22:23

In the mags they play a very active role in the initial conciliation appointment - at least in my local court they do!

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freshmint · 13/03/2011 22:29

ooooh mags
don't do mags
aha

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iskra · 14/03/2011 10:41

Blimey, I can't believe he is taking you to court over this! How unreasonable. Good luck.

BTW, I added my dad's surname as a middle name when I was a teen (oddly, my parents had always used it as one of my names - entered me at school with it etc, but it hadn't originally been on my birth certificate, so I wanted to formalise it). We had a statuary declaration IIRC, & I think I had to send it in the NI people, the passport & the driving license people. Since then I haven't used the piece of paper & in fact I have no idea where it's gone (been about 15 years).

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Pencilmein · 14/03/2011 13:44

I have spoken to children's legal advice centre today. I am not elegible for legal aid ( by a whisker) and do not wish to spend money on a solicitor (really can't justify the expense)...

I have been advised to 1) ask for more time to consder my response (2 wks is not enough since I have some major events in the diary over the next 10 days)
2) ask for it to be transferred to my local court as the court he applied to was his local one and is 2 hrs away in a different county

later on when I know who the court/judge is I shouls write a respose stating my reasons why this is not in her best interests and respond hisp reasons for applying... sticking to the facts etc...

this is where I am up to.
pencilemin x

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Ephiny · 14/03/2011 13:49

I think he's being ridiculous - the best thing he could do IMO is to be a good father to his DD and be involved and part of her life. Then when she's older she may well choose of her own accord to add his name to acknowledge that relationship (or she may not, but that's her choice either way). He should definitely not be pressuring you, I agree it seems more about control and wanting to label the child as 'his'.

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