Wedding invitation dilemma - one child invited but not others

[struwellpeter]

My brother is getting married later this year and has rung to find out whether my 3 boys really 'want' to go to his wedding. He wants to invite my daughter as 'she would be devastated not to be invited'.

Up to now I've always been really fond of my little brother and I suppose those feelings will return, but I don't know what to do. I have always said that he must invite whoever he wants but I can't condone splitting my children and saying to one she is invited but to the others they are not.

I am inclined to say that we will none of us go but I really don't want to upset him and I am delighted about this wedding. DH has suggested that he stays at home to look after the boys, because all the other possible babysitters will be at the wedding. I can't really say I will enjoy it without my family.

I know that I have lots of children and I know it is entirely up to those getting married who they invite, but how do I tell my boys that their uncle in effect doesn't want them there, but is keen to invite their sister. I've gone from looking forward to a family occasion to feeling very sad.

[flamingobingo]

I'm not surprised you're feeling sad - how horrid to do that! They're family, aren't they? I can't imagine getting married without all the people I love there whether they're children or adults! I'd be very if I were you. Can you tell him how you feel?

[struwellpeter]

I suppose I should. But I wonder if I still have a hang up about not wanting my big family to be a nuisance.

[Voltaire]

I think it's crazy to not invite your whole family.

[flamingobingo]

But it's not about 'your big family' it's about how he feels about people in his family, and your children are part of his family. Sorry to sound harsh, but either he loves them and wants them to be a part of the shared celebration of his marriage, or he doesn't - it's as simple as that! If he doesn't, then that's really sad and I'd be livid. Children aren't pets, they're people!

[Voltaire]

It's probable that he hasn't really thought it through, rather than willfully excluding them.

[Galava]

I dont think this is on at all.

You've got 4 children not 40 !

I think your brother is just being tight

[Stumblebum]

You are right - how will your boys feel knowing that they have been left out? I think you should explain to your brother that you are a family, and you either all come or none of you do.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Well it's certainly tactless of him but I an see his point. Is it possible that he knows that your DSs would be bored shitless but your DD would love it, and given that wedding caterers charge full price for children, he is trying to keep the costs down by only inviting people who are going to enjoy the occasion?
I don;t think it's necessarily the worst thing in the world to not invite someone to an event that you know they will not actually enjoy.

[flamingobingo]

I think he hasn't thought it through either, which is why you need to speak to him about how you feel - give him a chance to see it another way.

[notwavingjustironing]

Maybe he wasn't trying to upset you, but just thought your dd might like to go and get dressed up and go to a wedding more than your ds's would.

I know that's a massively sweeping statement and a bit discriminatory, but maybe if money is tight and three more people make a big difference, he thought he was doing them a favour.

Although I don't think you are necessarily being unreasonable - but it might be worth a chat regarding his reasons.

[notwavingjustironing]

x-posts with solidgold

[blametheparents]

Surely he can't invite one of your children, but not the others. That is wrong, YANBU

[LoveMyGirls]

People planning weddings can be so ridiculous, maybe he's got caught up in it all and has lost the plot?

[struwellpeter]

Brother's reasoning on the phone yesterday was whether my 15 and 13 year-olds would really find it a drag and that my 7 year old wouldn't think it was much fun, but dd would love the whole thing. There won't be other children there except their own (two boys of hers aged 7 and 10 and a joint effort aged 18 months). He was quick to tell me how their friends with children had already welcomed the idea of a party without the offspring.

I just feel it's different with family. Had really been looking forward to welcoming the boys as cousins for mine.

[notwavingjustironing]

Well that's kind of what I think as well - but I still don't think you are unreasonable to have a different view.

[alarkaspree]

If I understand you rightly, he hasn't in so many words refused to invite them has he? He's just strongly hinted that he'd rather not invite them.

So I think you should phone him back and say, 'I've thought about this and yes, I think the boys would all really love to come and celebrate the marriage of their beloved uncle. See you there, bye!'

He will thank you for it later, imagine how your brother and his financee will look if his sister and niece turn up to his wedding leaving his brother-in-law and nephews at home.

[MerlinsBeard]

why don't you ask your boys? When i first started reading the thread i thought your DSs were about 6 but it seems like your brother is being sensible.

[GrapefruitMoon]

My position on children at weddings is that ones in immediate family (ie nephews and nieces) should be invited (and made to go even if they are reluctant as it is a family occasion) but friends of the bride and groom should make the most of the opportunity to enjoy a child-free day. I might make an exception if a friend/relative was travelling from abroad, say, and didn't have anyone to leave the child with that the child would know.

So in your case I think your ds's should be invited and should go. However, if the wedding is going to go very late I would seriously consider making arrangements for someone to take the kids away once they got bored/tired (say shortly after the meal)

[struwellpeter]

Thanks,all, for your replies. My mum has just rung and the jungle drums must have been beating. She says she didn't bring the topic up but little bro now says that he thinks he might have been misunderstood! We are all to be invited but he is very relaxed about whether we bring the children if they think it's a bore.

Wonder if little bro is a secret MNer?

[FabulousBakerGirl]

All or nothing in my book.

[GColdtimer]

To be honest, I think you have taken what he said out of context. It sounds like he genuiely wondered if (having been a boy himself) they would be bored at the wedding. Just tell him "no they would love to come". That was the question after all. He is being a bit dim but it doesn't sound like it was meant in the way you have taken it.

[struwellpeter]

No, I don't think I did misunderstand him last night; he has obviously had second thoughts since we talked. Tactless but not mean and probably altogether too male in the way he put it.

Agree with GrapefruitMoon that they should go because it is an important family event. 7year-old has already been talking about it lots so I'm very relieved I won't have to leave him at home. The bigger ones are usually great company and particularly good at looking after the new cousins.

DH will be sorry his cast-iron get-out has disappeared! But that's another story ....

[Mowgli1970]

I've been in this position. My dd was asked to be a bridesmaid at dh's niece's wedding, but my son was not invited to the wedding at all! Dh was livid, told them he could not go without ds. All hell broke loose and we were told that ds was being invited because "we are being forced to invite him. How would it look if Dh wasn't there?" Charming! We all went to the wedding, but it was very uncomfortable and now we hardly see them. I just don't feel the same towards them, knowing how they feel about my ds. Your brother seems to have made a genuine error of judgement though. Wedding always bring out the worst in people I find!

[crokky]

I recently went to a wedding with my DH and we took DD but decided not to take DS - we left him with my mum, my brother and SIL. We thought he would not enjoy the wedding and he would have a nice day with his gran, uncle and aunt. Both children were invited, though - I think if you are inviting a child from a family, you have to invite his/her siblings and leave it to the parents to decide what is the most suitable thing to do re the children.

I think your 7yo DS should definately go especially as he is getting a new cousin of the same age. Ditto your DD if she would enjoy it. Your older boys - up to you and them - if they would like to go, they should go.