Do people assume you are a "better" mother because you have more children?

[mulranno]

Is there kudos or pity for big families...? Do people ask your advice more?...do they think you are a better Mum than them?...Do people "admire" that you "cope" well..? How do you respond?

[gardeningmum05]

i feel under pressure for my kids to look smart always, be very polite all the time and better behaved , just because i have a large family. i feel i am being judged on my abilities as a mother on the behaivour of my children.

[Meglet]

As someone with only 2 dc's (but an obsession with reading the larger families topic!) I have to say I am impressed by how mums with lots of children cope. I can safely say I admire the lot of you .
[Goes back to reading larger familes in secret].

[mulranno]

Its just that I get the jaw dropping stuff -- sometimes feel flattered but mostly feel a fraud...I am most definetly not a better mother...probably worse...dont think that i cope better that others...just that I have to...I never feel that I am on top of stuff...but then I never did when I had no kids...though I have started to say that we live differently...the house will be messy, noisy, busy...the children do a lot of activities...but I think that we should cut back on these

[juuule]

I've always thought the jaw-dropping stuff was associated with people not really knowing how to react.
Suddenly its as though you don't have children in common anymore. It's difficult for some to have the usual moan about their children when you have 2x or 3x more. So you must either be an earth-mother saint who is much better than they are or you might be a person of low intelligence. Either way they think they might not want to associate with you too closely. You are definitely regarded as a bit odd by many.

Of course, most people treat you as they would anybody else

[cherrymonster]

most of them just think i am insane for having four children by the age of 25.

[piximon]

gardeningmum I feel the same as you, under ridiculous pressure because I feel constantly judged in a way I never felt when I only had one or two and as soon as one might let go and act like any other child (tantrum etc) I feel like I'm judged harder for not being such a good parent because of the sheer volume of children.

Just lately I've been trying to let go a bit, recently dts have been playing in the mud while waiting for ds1 to finish school, I often think the other parents must just think I've given up caring, in reality it's just that I've realised I can loosen the rein strap a little and just let them have fun while they're small, there's plenty of time for them to be clean when they're older (please emoticon).

I often feel I get in the way of other mum's moaning as they see me then pipe up "shouldn't moan really" lol.

But I do get asked quite often for advice and never mind stopping for a chat. I just wish there weren't so many negative people around. I think I attract them with my beaming smile .

[mulranno]

Interesting looks like there are 2 faces to this. As I said before I get a lot of "wow" to my face but was at a party the other day and heard someone talk about other big families as "ferral"...so maybe people say this behind my back?

[4andnotout]

cherrymonster i get the same as you, i was 26 when dd4 was born but people mainly wonder how many dads there are
I get asked about cloth nappies and prams mainly as im bit of an addict
I do feel there is a certain amount of pressure from dp's side of the family that all the kids have the latest clothes and shoes as his side think we couldnt possibly afford dd4 and that i should have terminated

[crokky]

I have 2 children. My neighbour one side has 3 children. She talks down to me because I haven't had enough children - always saying "I have brought up 3 children and I KNOW". It is quite irritating and patronising. As long as children are loved and cared for to the best of the mother's ability, there is no "better" mother I think.

[gardeningmum05]

thanks for your reply piximon.
i was really angry yesterday, i was dropping my younger 2 off at nursery as was at work,and had the older 2 with me before dropping at school. my son held the door open for a lady and she said " oh, do you really have 4, and they are all so well behaved too."
why shouldnt they be, did she think i could not control them just because there are 4
maybe i was just being touchy, but i felt she really implied surprise that they had manners and were not running round the carpark bare footed
had my rant, off to peg more washing out

[juuule]

I think you're being a bit touchy gardeningmum
Sounds to me like something someone would say to compliment you on your well-behaved children. Which I think is a lovely acknowledgement.
Would it have upset you so much if you had 1 or 2 children and was complimented in this way?
The fact she mentioned that you had 4 would be a recognition of the fact that 1 child can be difficult at times so 4 must be more so.

[gardeningmum05]

you are probably right juuule, i think i am a little touchy because like i said in my previous post i do feel under pressure to have them looking like the von trapp family all the time

[bigcar]

gardeningmum, do you all sing too

I find for me that it goes both ways. Some people are impressed that I have 4 (5 in a few weeks) others really look down their noses at me in a kind of can't you master contraception, they must all be feral way. Because of course nobody in their right mind could possibly PLAN to have 5 dcs.

For me my family size is my norm, same as for others 1 or 2 or 3 is their norm, I don't feel there should be any kudos or pity for large or small families. We are all different and we all make the decisions that are right for us.

I do get asked for advice and I really don't mind having a good natter with someone about my kids and thiers but sometimes there is an expectation that you must know the answer to everything and really I don't Often it's a case of ooh yes mine do that too, if you find an answer let me know

[Gorionine]

Gardeningmum I could have written your fisrt post! I so understand what you mean!

[Overmydeadbody]

I don't judge how good a woman is as a mum by the number of children she has.

I do usually assume that the more children she has, the more patience she has, and I assume that she probably quite likes being a mum and being around children.

[Gorionine]

Yes, I agree, but if you just have one child and he/she happens to misbehave, people who do not know you will just assume that he/she is having a bad day. If you have 4(just a number that sprung to my mind) and one of them misbehaves in public the comments are more of the "why would someone have 4 kids if they cannot raise them properly and teach them some nice manners" type.
Or maybe I am juast paranoid!

[matildax]

i agree with overmydeadbody. its not about quantity, its about quality of parenting. if a mum wants 23 kids, and feels able to cope, then so be it.
however i have 3 and can quite definitely/maybe, say NO more

[struwellpeter]

Families with four are pretty common around here and I don't think they get any extra kudos, it's just regarded as more work.

Some mums are just better at turning out tidy,polite children, it doesn't have much to do with size of family, more strength of parents' willpower. I doubt very much that anyone would think of our family as anything to aspire to but we 're pretty happy the way we are, even if the children could be tidier and better organised.

[kittywise]

I do find actually that other mums at school seem to think I have all the answers because I have 6.
Their main thrust is that I am always so chilled out, how do I do it etc what they don't realise is that I am too exhausted to give a damn and am comforted by red wine of an evening!

[ChopsTheDuck]

Agree with kittywise!

people seem to think I'm some kind of supermum, cos they could never mange four. Defo a case of cutting corners where possible and copious amount of wine!

[ChopsTheDuck]

'Some mums are just better at turning out tidy,polite children' - not sure about that one. Some mums are jsut lucky enough to have children that are polite and tidy!

I have a couple like that, and I also have a couple that are rude and scruffy! They've all been raised the same.

[mulranno]

I do insist on good manners, eye contact and respect for others...but I quite like them being scruffy...neat for school etc, clean nails...but we iron nothing ... and the untidy, rustic vibe is quite deliberate in our house...bit of an antidote to the consumer monkey nonsense. We went to a family farm outing the other day...my lot looked like the worked there and friend turned up, daughters in matching frilly socks, ribbons, delicate dresses...they were not allowed to jump around on the hay stacks in case they got dirty...they should have stayed at home velcroed to the sofa...not making the sofa look untidy